At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?

[Anonymous]

I waited until I was divorced to date (keeping in mind I didn't want to ever have my kids know I was dating before being legally divorced, so I waited) and then not until I was dating one person exclusively for a year, with marriage as a mutual goal.

[Anonymous]

Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.

I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.

[Anonymous]

At least a year after formal separation/divorce (though I disagree with the all caps MUST DIVORCE FIRST posters). After that, it would depend on a few things:

1) How old are your kids? Are they old enough to have honest conversations about the subject? Or too young for that to be appropriate. Mine are nearly graduated from HS, and well aware that their parents are separated and divorcing. They could handle an honest talk; we have open communication about all kinds of topics. If they were preschool/early elementary, it would be different.

2) Have you talked to newpartner about whether or not they want to be involved with your family? If they do, that's going to encourage me to see if my kids are open to the idea. If my new partner isn't interested in the family aspect of my life (why are they my new partner?), I don't see a need to introduce them to my children at all. I wouldn't introduce until I'd had several conversations with my new partner, including having them meet my adult friends for further vetting, just to be sure I wasn't loveblind to obvious issues.

I'm of the mindset that kids do better when you're honest. There's not really a hard and fast timeline; a lot depends on your child(ren) and how you relate to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.

I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.

I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.

Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.

Don’t rotate people through your life.

Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.

[Anonymous]

Unless you plan to have a single household or get engaged I don't see a reason to introduce kids at all. Dating is dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.

I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.

My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.

I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.

My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.

If they're teenagers, "eventually" is after they move out.

Why don't you focus on getting divorced before you bring more change into your children's lives.

I notice you haven't answered the questions about why you want to do this, and what if it goes badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.

I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.

Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.

Don’t rotate people through your life.

Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.

Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.

[Anonymous]

I think a year of dating (if it's even been a year) is nowhere near enough to justify the disruption to your children. They'll act like it's no big deal, but it is a big deal.

Why you would want to invite conflict, stress, and tension into your last years with them at home is a mystery to me. Let your children have a secure home base without you pushing your agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.

I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.

Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.

Don’t rotate people through your life.

Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.

Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.

Where does OP live, on her own? Where the BF is living, and why is he needed to be involved in driving her kids around? They can't afford hired held/want to share the kids' logistics between themselves?

[Anonymous]

Ask your kids and respect what they say: I’ve been seeing someone amazing, would you want to meet them? I have seen situations where the new partner is a huge add-on to the family dynamic and those where the new partner makes life miserable for the kids. Teenagers are old enough to decide if they want to meet this person or have their parent keep that part of their life separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One year POST DIVORCE minimum

Oh c’mon. This is not a hard and fast rule. But definitely after divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I waited until I was divorced to date (keeping in mind I didn't want to ever have my kids know I was dating before being legally divorced, so I waited) and then not until I was dating one person exclusively for a year, with marriage as a mutual goal.

PP here and this sounds right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.

I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.

My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.

And if I were the kids, I would tell him to kick rocks.