Hosting strangers from abroad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm perplexed as to why you don't seem to understand why these people would want to visit you. You say you are from overseas, yet you seem to have very little understanding of how your culture works? I don't know if I come from the same culture as you, but I can completely understand how someone would propose having several people from my hometown come to visit me in the US, even if I didn't know them. In many communities, you are considered an extension of your family or clan, so it would be completely logical for them to want to see you if they happened to be close by visiting.

I can understand that you would not want the burden of hosting these people for a dinner, but you need to see it from their perspective - you are one of their own and they want to see you, as an extension of who THEY are in this place so far away from home. You already agreed. Suck it up, be a good host, and send them on their way. It's one night, you will survive.

I understand your point but to me it is very awkward. I've lived here a long time now, and the only connection is my dad and that I grew up in their town. I don't have a personal connection and have never met them. It makes me feel a bit like an animal in a zoo tbh, and like there will be judging going on.

OP -- you have 2 choices:

1. Suck it up and host like you said you would. Be the judged zoo animal and be done.
2. Tell them no. Deal with the consequences of that.

Which one of these is the most appealing to you? Pick that one. But you won't get out of this without some discomfort -- you set yourself up for that when you initially agreed.

[Anonymous]

If I was available at the time, I would definitely do it. It is important for your parents and really not a big imposition at all.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ 10:33 - you have two options, both of which feel crummy for you. So you have to figure out which is best for you.

1 - grit your teeth and host, and do your level best not to care what they think. They're strangers! If they're rude - screw it, you'll never have to see them again. You know you held up your end of the deal w/ your parents and you learned to not say yes to things in the future without giving yourself time to actually think about it.

2 - grit your teeth and say you're very sorry but it turns out you're not able to do this. You can provide restaurant suggestions if you like, but you can just say no. Without explanation. Or you can make up an excuse for why you're not going to be available after all - no one needs to know if it's a lie or not. Or you just say "I'm sorry - I'm just not able to." You disappoint your father, and you end up feeling proud of yourself for managing to do that.

Really only you can decide OP.

[Anonymous]

You have to be willing to make Mommy & Daddy mad. You aren't a functioning, independent grown-up if you can't risk that - that is an adult relationship.

[Anonymous]

between adults who respect each other

[Anonymous]

A really important point PPs are making is that either way, there will be some gritting of teeth and feeling bad. There is no avoiding that.

At this point, the only question is which is more tolerable to you? Or, more accurately, which is ever-so-slightly less intolerable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Funny, I have social anxiety and the way I talk myself through such situations is by asking: "What's the worse that could happen?" When you think about it... no one's going to die from a possibly disappointing dinner!

Are you afraid they'll see you don't live in luxury in America? Great, they won't ask you for much in the future. Are you afraid they'll be shocked at what you offer? Great, you're a normal person and not a professional chef. Are you afraid you'll need to clean your house beyond your usual standards? A good opportunity to have a nice clean-up, right? Are you afraid they're report all your weaknesses to everyone they know? They won't, but even if they did, allow yourself to bask in your quirky self without shame. No one thinks the worse of you. Are you afraid of making small talk with strangers? Think about their lives. Pretend you care. Make a list of questions and topics you want to broach. Go where the conversation takes you.

All of it to be honest. People are not usually that kind when I have them over. My house is clean and I would say nice (not luxurious, but nice) but I've had people criticize it, same with my cooking, or not eating stuff I made, or telling me after it wasn't a good evening...I think having so very many little comments made over the years as I was already forcing myself to host has made me completely scared of people. I can't take a negative comment anymore in this context of my already trying hard to do something I don't want to do in the first place. I also truly don't care to know people anymore.

This is awful, truly awful of guests (friends, family?) to treat you like this.
It is any wonder you want to get out of this commitment.

[Anonymous]

You do not enjoy hosting people, which is tough. You feel pushed into something you do not want to do. Also tough. But answering the why…

Through several organizations, we used to host international visitors. They wanted to meet and talk with people living here. It makes being a tourist/traveler more interesting when you can learn the experiences and perspectives of people who live where you are visiting.

As an occasional traveler, I’ve enjoyed this the other way round. I am interested in people’s work, daily life, view points if they are willing to share, food their grandmother made, school experiences, etc.

The social anxiety makes all of this more difficult. If you feel like you must follow through, maybe ask in advance what they are interested in, and mentally prepare for light conversation. As long as they are not asking to stay with you, or for you to find them a job, they may just be interested in what it’s been like for you to live here. You do t need to shared personal things. If you have a family, what you all like to do, how the kids’ schools compare to yours growing up. Something you remember fondly from your country.

To further take pressure off of you, have some questions ready to keep them talking.

-person dreading an upcoming party for a friend I truly like

[Anonymous]

Forget all the above. I saw your next comments about not wanting to know people. Can’t imagine people coming and criticizing your cooking and hosting!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

OP here and they still haven't contacted me and the weekend is tomorrow...Am I off the hook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and they still haven't contacted me and the weekend is tomorrow...Am I off the hook?

Don’t exhale yet. But now if they reach out, it’s late enough that you can feign surprise and say, “When I didn’t hear from you, I figured you had other plans, so I didn’t prepare anything. Oh well, maybe I can still grab a tray of lasagne!”

ALL PRESSURE FOR AN IMPRESSIVE DINNER IS OFFICIALLY OFF. No matter what! But I’m crossing my fingers that they don’t reach out!

Rooting for you! Please update us!

[Anonymous]

Miss their call. As many times as you need to. You lost your phone (on Monday you can "find" it under the car seat or buried deep in a stack of folded laundry). Sorry!

[Anonymous]

I think you should do whatever you want!! You can always miss the call, make some excuse, or order pizza.

I do imagine though that your dad is proud of you and loves you and this is why he wants these people to see you. They seem like strangers to you but they may have heard about you for years and their affection for your family envelopes you. I’m pretty antisocial but have entertained parents’ friends at their request and it can be quite kind and lovely. It’s a very old-school skill, to be able to host vague acquaintances, and always makes me feel very 19th century, like they will arrive with letters of introduction.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you think you have covid.