Hosting strangers from abroad

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what the big deal is. One meal and off they go to some touristy spot. Keep the meal very simple. For example, lasagna, salad and bread and pickup a cake. If you are so stressed by this, either tell your father no or ask an extraverted friend to help you with the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

I think this is partly what I dread. There is always someone who is not pleased with the food, won't eat X, Y or Z, and I know this group will be "foodies" so lasagna or pizza would seem insane to them, like serving a kid's meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Thank you. I used to force myself pre covid thinking maybe it'd be fine or good. Every time I am left with "omg I am so glad this is over, let me try and forget it happened" Idk what it is with me but it is never a good time, more like a terribly awful chore that's finally done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

I think this is partly what I dread. There is always someone who is not pleased with the food, won't eat X, Y or Z, and I know this group will be "foodies" so lasagna or pizza would seem insane to them, like serving a kid's meal.

But you don’t have to please them. You don’t have to perform for them. You don’t.

OP, what is it you feel you most need right now? Do you long to be told it’s okay to do it in a scaled down way even if you might — might!— be judged by foodies? Do you want a kind of psychological permission slip to not do it at all, or to do a glass of wine instead? Do you want recipes for an easy make-ahead that will look more impressive than it is? Do you want to be reassured that the evening will be better than you fear?

This dinner is causing a lot of anxiety for you. It doesn’t matter what “should” be. That’s what *is.* This situation is causing you real distress. Sit with that, let it in: You are in distress over this dinner. There will be time to unravel all the “why” of your distress later — maybe you need to see someone, to do gradual exposure therapy, to consider anti-anxiety medication. But right now, you need to figure out what will ease your distress about this particular situation. How can people help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

I think this is partly what I dread. There is always someone who is not pleased with the food, won't eat X, Y or Z, and I know this group will be "foodies" so lasagna or pizza would seem insane to them, like serving a kid's meal.

But you don’t have to please them. You don’t have to perform for them. You don’t.

OP, what is it you feel you most need right now? Do you long to be told it’s okay to do it in a scaled down way even if you might — might!— be judged by foodies? Do you want a kind of psychological permission slip to not do it at all, or to do a glass of wine instead? Do you want recipes for an easy make-ahead that will look more impressive than it is? Do you want to be reassured that the evening will be better than you fear?

This dinner is causing a lot of anxiety for you. It doesn’t matter what “should” be. That’s what *is.* This situation is causing you real distress. Sit with that, let it in: You are in distress over this dinner. There will be time to unravel all the “why” of your distress later — maybe you need to see someone, to do gradual exposure therapy, to consider anti-anxiety medication. But right now, you need to figure out what will ease your distress about this particular situation. How can people help?

I think what would help me is for these people to realize it's not ok to ask me this? I would never ever ask this of someone personally, impose on strangers, so it makes me feel like they will not be nice guests and easy to please because they are already demanding I host them in a rude way. I think I am a little angry about it and venting more than anything because I don't have anyone irl I can talk to this about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Funny, I have social anxiety and the way I talk myself through such situations is by asking: "What's the worse that could happen?" When you think about it... no one's going to die from a possibly disappointing dinner!

Are you afraid they'll see you don't live in luxury in America? Great, they won't ask you for much in the future. Are you afraid they'll be shocked at what you offer? Great, you're a normal person and not a professional chef. Are you afraid you'll need to clean your house beyond your usual standards? A good opportunity to have a nice clean-up, right? Are you afraid they're report all your weaknesses to everyone they know? They won't, but even if they did, allow yourself to bask in your quirky self without shame. No one thinks the worse of you. Are you afraid of making small talk with strangers? Think about their lives. Pretend you care. Make a list of questions and topics you want to broach. Go where the conversation takes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Funny, I have social anxiety and the way I talk myself through such situations is by asking: "What's the worse that could happen?" When you think about it... no one's going to die from a possibly disappointing dinner!

Are you afraid they'll see you don't live in luxury in America? Great, they won't ask you for much in the future. Are you afraid they'll be shocked at what you offer? Great, you're a normal person and not a professional chef. Are you afraid you'll need to clean your house beyond your usual standards? A good opportunity to have a nice clean-up, right? Are you afraid they're report all your weaknesses to everyone they know? They won't, but even if they did, allow yourself to bask in your quirky self without shame. No one thinks the worse of you. Are you afraid of making small talk with strangers? Think about their lives. Pretend you care. Make a list of questions and topics you want to broach. Go where the conversation takes you.

All of it to be honest. People are not usually that kind when I have them over. My house is clean and I would say nice (not luxurious, but nice) but I've had people criticize it, same with my cooking, or not eating stuff I made, or telling me after it wasn't a good evening...I think having so very many little comments made over the years as I was already forcing myself to host has made me completely scared of people. I can't take a negative comment anymore in this context of my already trying hard to do something I don't want to do in the first place. I also truly don't care to know people anymore.

[Anonymous]

I didn't realize that it was 6 people. Thought it was 2. No just tell him Dad, I love you, I'm sorry but my anxiety will not allow me to do this. Maybe take them to eat at a local restaurant and pay if you can do that?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm perplexed as to why you don't seem to understand why these people would want to visit you. You say you are from overseas, yet you seem to have very little understanding of how your culture works? I don't know if I come from the same culture as you, but I can completely understand how someone would propose having several people from my hometown come to visit me in the US, even if I didn't know them. In many communities, you are considered an extension of your family or clan, so it would be completely logical for them to want to see you if they happened to be close by visiting.

I can understand that you would not want the burden of hosting these people for a dinner, but you need to see it from their perspective - you are one of their own and they want to see you, as an extension of who THEY are in this place so far away from home. You already agreed. Suck it up, be a good host, and send them on their way. It's one night, you will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Funny, I have social anxiety and the way I talk myself through such situations is by asking: "What's the worse that could happen?" When you think about it... no one's going to die from a possibly disappointing dinner!

Are you afraid they'll see you don't live in luxury in America? Great, they won't ask you for much in the future. Are you afraid they'll be shocked at what you offer? Great, you're a normal person and not a professional chef. Are you afraid you'll need to clean your house beyond your usual standards? A good opportunity to have a nice clean-up, right? Are you afraid they're report all your weaknesses to everyone they know? They won't, but even if they did, allow yourself to bask in your quirky self without shame. No one thinks the worse of you. Are you afraid of making small talk with strangers? Think about their lives. Pretend you care. Make a list of questions and topics you want to broach. Go where the conversation takes you.

All of it to be honest. People are not usually that kind when I have them over. My house is clean and I would say nice (not luxurious, but nice) but I've had people criticize it, same with my cooking, or not eating stuff I made, or telling me after it wasn't a good evening...I think having so very many little comments made over the years as I was already forcing myself to host has made me completely scared of people. I can't take a negative comment anymore in this context of my already trying hard to do something I don't want to do in the first place. I also truly don't care to know people anymore.

Really? I've had some pretty hilarious kitchen fails, my house is small and cluttered, and no one has ever said anything untoward, except one friend who pops in and says "oh you tidied up today!" when it's a little less cluttered. I like her. She tells it like it is, with no intent to hurt.

Also, to respond to an earlier comment of yours about how people should know not to invite themselves, that's not going to happen. It's because we're all different that humanity works. There are people who ask for favors, there are people who would never ask. Usually the people who ask for favors are also ready to return them, so bear that in mind.

I'm not pushing you to host. Just trying to tell you a lot of people wouldn't blink at this situation - they'd host, not take things personally, laugh at their own mistakes, get along with everyone. If you're not comfortable with that, you don't need to give a reason. You just say no. After all, given what you just described, people are going to criticize anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

I think this is partly what I dread. There is always someone who is not pleased with the food, won't eat X, Y or Z, and I know this group will be "foodies" so lasagna or pizza would seem insane to them, like serving a kid's meal.

But you don’t have to please them. You don’t have to perform for them. You don’t.

OP, what is it you feel you most need right now? Do you long to be told it’s okay to do it in a scaled down way even if you might — might!— be judged by foodies? Do you want a kind of psychological permission slip to not do it at all, or to do a glass of wine instead? Do you want recipes for an easy make-ahead that will look more impressive than it is? Do you want to be reassured that the evening will be better than you fear?

This dinner is causing a lot of anxiety for you. It doesn’t matter what “should” be. That’s what *is.* This situation is causing you real distress. Sit with that, let it in: You are in distress over this dinner. There will be time to unravel all the “why” of your distress later — maybe you need to see someone, to do gradual exposure therapy, to consider anti-anxiety medication. But right now, you need to figure out what will ease your distress about this particular situation. How can people help?

I think what would help me is for these people to realize it's not ok to ask me this? I would never ever ask this of someone personally, impose on strangers, so it makes me feel like they will not be nice guests and easy to please because they are already demanding I host them in a rude way. I think I am a little angry about it and venting more than anything because I don't have anyone irl I can talk to this about.

OP, they will not realize anything, and you can’t make them realize anything. I know you know this, but the only one you have control over in this situation is you. This is a situation that requires your being proactive. You will have to meet your own needs.

Personally, I think this dinner is not worth your distress. I understand what PPs are saying when they tell you to suck it up and get through it, but I also see that you are in deep distress. The distress may or may not be proportional to the situation at hand, but that doesn’t matter, bc it’s real.

By extension, it is also likely true that the value of the dinner to these people, and even to your dad, is disproportionately small relative to the magnitude of distress it is causing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm perplexed as to why you don't seem to understand why these people would want to visit you. You say you are from overseas, yet you seem to have very little understanding of how your culture works? I don't know if I come from the same culture as you, but I can completely understand how someone would propose having several people from my hometown come to visit me in the US, even if I didn't know them. In many communities, you are considered an extension of your family or clan, so it would be completely logical for them to want to see you if they happened to be close by visiting.

I can understand that you would not want the burden of hosting these people for a dinner, but you need to see it from their perspective - you are one of their own and they want to see you, as an extension of who THEY are in this place so far away from home. You already agreed. Suck it up, be a good host, and send them on their way. It's one night, you will survive.

I understand your point but to me it is very awkward. I've lived here a long time now, and the only connection is my dad and that I grew up in their town. I don't have a personal connection and have never met them. It makes me feel a bit like an animal in a zoo tbh, and like there will be judging going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!

Funny, I have social anxiety and the way I talk myself through such situations is by asking: "What's the worse that could happen?" When you think about it... no one's going to die from a possibly disappointing dinner!

Are you afraid they'll see you don't live in luxury in America? Great, they won't ask you for much in the future. Are you afraid they'll be shocked at what you offer? Great, you're a normal person and not a professional chef. Are you afraid you'll need to clean your house beyond your usual standards? A good opportunity to have a nice clean-up, right? Are you afraid they're report all your weaknesses to everyone they know? They won't, but even if they did, allow yourself to bask in your quirky self without shame. No one thinks the worse of you. Are you afraid of making small talk with strangers? Think about their lives. Pretend you care. Make a list of questions and topics you want to broach. Go where the conversation takes you.

All of it to be honest. People are not usually that kind when I have them over. My house is clean and I would say nice (not luxurious, but nice) but I've had people criticize it, same with my cooking, or not eating stuff I made, or telling me after it wasn't a good evening...I think having so very many little comments made over the years as I was already forcing myself to host has made me completely scared of people. I can't take a negative comment anymore in this context of my already trying hard to do something I don't want to do in the first place. I also truly don't care to know people anymore.

Really? I've had some pretty hilarious kitchen fails, my house is small and cluttered, and no one has ever said anything untoward, except one friend who pops in and says "oh you tidied up today!" when it's a little less cluttered. I like her. She tells it like it is, with no intent to hurt.

Also, to respond to an earlier comment of yours about how people should know not to invite themselves, that's not going to happen. It's because we're all different that humanity works. There are people who ask for favors, there are people who would never ask. Usually the people who ask for favors are also ready to return them, so bear that in mind.

I'm not pushing you to host. Just trying to tell you a lot of people wouldn't blink at this situation - they'd host, not take things personally, laugh at their own mistakes, get along with everyone. If you're not comfortable with that, you don't need to give a reason. You just say no. After all, given what you just described, people are going to criticize anyway!

I am just not the person you describe. It would be really nice if I were, but I am not. I will never like having visitors, I will always be upset about hosting. I do favors for people all the time btw (especially with people's kids, animals...), but I would never ever ask for one. That is just not me, and I feel like how I am is just not accepted, and that on top of not being accepted I still have to bend to the other personality types because they don't care how I might feel, like my parents who by now must know I am a total introvert with anxiety, and still don't care and volunteered this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm perplexed as to why you don't seem to understand why these people would want to visit you. You say you are from overseas, yet you seem to have very little understanding of how your culture works? I don't know if I come from the same culture as you, but I can completely understand how someone would propose having several people from my hometown come to visit me in the US, even if I didn't know them. In many communities, you are considered an extension of your family or clan, so it would be completely logical for them to want to see you if they happened to be close by visiting.

I can understand that you would not want the burden of hosting these people for a dinner, but you need to see it from their perspective - you are one of their own and they want to see you, as an extension of who THEY are in this place so far away from home. You already agreed. Suck it up, be a good host, and send them on their way. It's one night, you will survive.

I understand your point but to me it is very awkward. I've lived here a long time now, and the only connection is my dad and that I grew up in their town. I don't have a personal connection and have never met them. It makes me feel a bit like an animal in a zoo tbh, and like there will be judging going on.

The judging may well be (probably is?) a story you are telling to yourself. That expectation — that others are judging and finding you lacking — is something to unravel with time. It is probably making your life much harder than it needs to be. Therapy or coaching can help. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Two alternatives: you don't do it and then have anxiety over your father's reactions, loss of face, etc. Sure your boundaries were crossed but you froze and let them be.

Do it by providing a "sampler of popular American fast food." Get bucket o chicken, pizza, pollo loco, whatever. Serve buffet style with beer and soft drinks. Think of itvas an immersive museum piece. They will be charmed or horrified but will move on.