Hosting strangers from abroad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one meal and you already agreed to it, so I think you should just go through with it. 6 people isn't anything crazy. I would insist that you need to know what day they will be there at least a week in advance though.

I guess there is no way out of it. I am very upset about this. I feel like it's a bad dynamic in my family. I don't want to say no to my parents and then I feel put in an awkward situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is totally reasonable for you to say no to hosting anyone!!

Why do you feel pressured to say yes?

This! why is this difficult!?

I guess I find it difficult because it's my parents and it came in such a roundabout way. I should have said no when first mentioned, but tbh I have a feeling my dad would have insisted because these people for some weird reason really want to see me.

They want to see you b/c they want to see how you're living in America.

You don't owe them, or your parent, anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it hard for you to pay for dinner for 10 people? Maybe your parents think that you are capable of throwing together a lasagna, salad and garlic bread for these people and you won't be broke.

OP is saying they don't want to pay to take the group to a restaurant, like someone suggested. It was a suggestion offered so OP doesn't have to host in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would I deal this request.

I would say no in a manner that clearly expressed their request was batshit crazy! I have zero anxiety.

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally think it is fine to say “no” to this. You just have to stand firm and not care if your dad is mad.

That said, I’m having a hard time understanding what is going on. Will your parents be there too? Could you throw money at this problem and just treat them all at a restaurant? Is it the fact it is in your home? Or do you just not like having dinner with strangers?

My parents will not be here. This is a friend of my dad's, but roughly my age. He is visiting a relative of his who lives about 2 hours from me and they want to stop on their way to/from some tourist stuff they are doing. Why would they want to do this? I don't know! I think maybe they are all super extroverts and think this is normal and fun. I do not feel that way. I am not into any aspect of it at all and don't really want to pay for a dinner out for 10 people total.

this is some $hit my mother would craft and it makes zero sense. She is always coming up with random stuff like this that makes zero sense. Just say no and don't give it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one meal and you already agreed to it, so I think you should just go through with it. 6 people isn't anything crazy. I would insist that you need to know what day they will be there at least a week in advance though.

I guess there is no way out of it. I am very upset about this. I feel like it's a bad dynamic in my family. I don't want to say no to my parents and then I feel put in an awkward situation.

You're the problem here. I know it seems unfair to say that, since your parents are pressuring you to do stuff you don't want to do, but you're a grown-up. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. You've got to learn not to set yourself up like this: saying yes to vague plans because you're so anxious it's just easier to acquiesce in the moment, then wanting to desperately back track later. There is hard work to be done, and only you can do it, because people around you will not change. You say no right at the start. You absorb their displeasure and disappointment. In the final analysis, you've got to be comfortable being the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

You say, "no". You learn to say no in life. Maybe you wouldn't have so much "social anxiety" if you did what others consider reasonable -- and said no sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I think at this point, you probably should just suck it up and do it. You should have said no when your father first asked. As difficult as it would have been at that time, it seems like you find it nearly impossible at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one meal and you already agreed to it, so I think you should just go through with it. 6 people isn't anything crazy. I would insist that you need to know what day they will be there at least a week in advance though.

I guess there is no way out of it. I am very upset about this. I feel like it's a bad dynamic in my family. I don't want to say no to my parents and then I feel put in an awkward situation.

You're the problem here. I know it seems unfair to say that, since your parents are pressuring you to do stuff you don't want to do, but you're a grown-up. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. You've got to learn not to set yourself up like this: saying yes to vague plans because you're so anxious it's just easier to acquiesce in the moment, then wanting to desperately back track later. There is hard work to be done, and only you can do it, because people around you will not change. You say no right at the start. You absorb their displeasure and disappointment. In the final analysis, you've got to be comfortable being the bad guy.

I know I should have said no. I find it easy to have boundaries in general because I don't care so much what people think and I don't want to be social anyway, but with my parents I care so it is tough. I keep replaying it in my head and I guess I should have felt ok with my dad having a tough convo with his friend and not cared about that part and let him deal.

[Anonymous]

given that it's one meal i really dont think it's a big deal if it's important to your dad and it's a one off request.

[Anonymous]

This will be a great chance to meet new people. Maybe you'll make life long friends and get to visit them if you ever go to their country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my social anxiety and my parents asking me to host 6 people I don't know: one couple from my hometown my dad knows well, plus two other couples (one from hometown and one relatives of first couple) Several people said they don't have social anxiety and still would not want to do this. How would you deal with the request? They have not contacted me yet but likely will and propose two dates, for them to come to my house. My dad will not understand my saying no with no reason as he cannot relate at all.

My dad wouldn't have imposed and I wouldn't have oblige though we were very close.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have gotten myself into situations like this so many times before — I vaguely agree to something theoretical and far away bc it seems not-quite-real (and maybe I’ll have an excuse when the time comes!). And then I feel stuck.

But I have gotten a lot better at saying no. In part bc I got sooooo tired of this feeling!

Here are some options.

1. You make up an excuse. You didn’t realize that was the weekend you’re headed out of town, something like that. “Whoops, sorry.”

2. You call your dad, and you say, “I’m sorry. I know I agreed to this when it was theoretical, but I’m not going to be able to do it. At this point in my life it feels like too much. I know you don’t understand this. That’s okay, you don’t have to understand. I love you.”

3. You do it, but in the very lowest key way possible (lasagne, premade salad). I suggest if you go this route you also invite a very fun friend to be there and to help you, so it takes some pressure off.

4. You do a lower key version: invite them for a glass of wine instead of dinner. “Sorry, dinner won’t work, but I’d love to have you for a glass of wine.”

I don’t recommend going out to dinner, that also feels like pressure. Maybe there are other options. But do any of the above options make you feel free?

Here’s the thing to remember: You don’t need a reason for what you do, or don’t, and no one has to understand. There is no standard to meet. None.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if dietary things are part of "from abroad" like no meat, Kosher, whatever. If it's simple order pizza or get frozen pizzas and bake them maybe throw some extra shredded cheese on. Serve with wine or beer or sparkling water..if they are passing thru they don't need lots of alcohol or staying late. Serve whatever you can almost ungrudgingly afford. Dessert can be ice cream, sauce, whipped cream, spring for sprinkles and cherries. Real American!

This is good advice, and honestly they might really enjoy having pizza (assuming they are not coming from Italy!) and ice cream sundaes or brownies or something like that. Costco has good stuff too - just put it on a nice platter.

I totally understand your irritation and anxiety, and I can also see that you’re not really feeling like you can get out of it. I have social anxiety too, and I find that I almost always work things up to be way worse than they turn out to be. If you go through with it, it might end up being a fun evening, or at least not a terrible one. Maybe they are lovely people with funny stories. Coming to a “real American” home might be the highlight of their trip. I do hope you will keep us posted on whatever you decide to do.

I’m reminded of a question I always ask myself when I find I’m thinking about all the worst-case scenarios: “What if it’s awesome?” It might be!