My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

NP. She may not be jealous, but she is insecure: secure people do not try to belittle others. They are simply too busy enjoying their own life and minding their own business. Only insecurity or jealousy motivates people to be unkind to someone they ALLEGEDLY love and/or have close ties to.

Nope

Not about insecure or secure.

Many “types” of people say comments about staying home or quitting a job.

Op claims MIL said it half jokingly. Somewhat bad form but an attempt to start a convo on what the plan is. I assume no one told her much or there is no plan?
No harm proactively telling your parents or in laws yours taking the year off. Maybe you work in an industry where that doesn’t matter. But saying nothing is odd. Or leaving it as “some time off” is an odd way to out it, I’d assume you’re looking and being picky. Senior job searches take time and good timing. So always be looking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with her. Though I would have kept the actual words to myself.

How should she have asked what your plans are Op?

Sad sack sounds depressed. Is that off the table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

I'm OP. Not planning to work for a while. My DH is fine with it. We can afford it. What do you mean by mooch territory? That's really offensive and in my mind anti-feminist! Wow. But I guess I know that my MIL is not alone in her mindset!

Ok then. For awhile.
Might want to better quantify that.

Have you already told your own parents and in laws this? If so they shouldn’t be calling you a Sad Sack unless you actually look sad or actually plan in bever working full time again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made your feelings known, which is all you can do. What you can’t do is control whether she receives it, considers your perspective, apologizes, etc.

You CAN, going forward (if she repeats this or any similar comment) tell her point-blank that if she’s going to speak to you with disrespect, she’s going to leave your house and not return until she is ready to treat you with basic respect and kindness. (Or if you are at her house or a restaurant or something, you all leave. Together.) You need to be on the same page with DH about this.

It’s actually fine for her to have opinions about work or whatever, but she can keep those opinions to herself and worry about her own life. If she disrespects you, she leaves, or you leave. No contact until she is ready to learn the basic lesson that if you have nothing nice to say, you don’t say anything at all.

but that's not what happened. go back and read. MIL just made a humorous comment about being a "sadsack". that is all. you are all overreacting and going on the "abuse-the-MIL-track"

[Anonymous]

What a conundrum for people here. They won't be able to pick a side. They hate MILs and also hate SAHM moms. Well done, OP!

[Anonymous]

It was not funny and it was critical and disparaging. It was not a convo at a time that was expressing genuine concern about mental health, etc. MIL was way out of line and expressed contempt for OP in OP's own home. I'd never make the mistake of thinking I was emotionally close to or valued by someone who would speak to me that way. MIL's work history and self image are irrelevant, she was rude and crossed bounds of acceptable communication. I would not want my kids picking up on her derision toward you, OP. Distance.

[Anonymous]

In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

[Anonymous]

In no way was this an expression of loving concern for OP

sad sack
noun
US, informal
: a blundering, inept person

sad-sack
adjective informal
UK /ˈsæd.sæk/ US /ˈsæd.sæk/
Add to word list
boring and never likely to be successful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

It was an obnoxious comment, but if you were still working and it was your husband "decompressing" there would be a gazillion women on here telling you that you need to pressure him to come up with a way to earn money again soon.

[Anonymous]

She may have a point
She may be jealous
She may be resentful that her son is supporting you
Whatever she feels, it's not your problem. Just smile and nod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

It was an obnoxious comment, but if you were still working and it was your husband "decompressing" there would be a gazillion women on here telling you that you need to pressure him to come up with a way to earn money again soon.

+1
And its likely OPs mom would be concerned for her, and might make similar comments to her DH as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

And MIL would only say something out loud if there is a reason why she thinks DIL should be working beyond just Women Should Work.

I would bet they can't really afford for her to not work. Or ILs have helped financially in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

And MIL would only say something out loud if there is a reason why she thinks DIL should be working beyond just Women Should Work.

I would bet they can't really afford for her to not work. Or ILs have helped financially in the past.

Or DH is complaining to his mommy but saying different things to OP.