Parents are judgy and awkward because we're successful and independent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who don't have money tend to live frugally and look down on those who spend money frivolously (or what would be frivolous to them). It's a class difference.

My parents are rich and frugal. They also look down on those who spend money differently. Definitely not a class thing. I think it's an insecurity thing - they are descendants of farmers and bankers in the Midwest. You can imagine the intergenerational trauma from the depression - stock market crash and dust bowl. They survived and remained wealthy, perhaps frugality is how.

Yes, but that's my point exactly. If you grew up without money, then you can develop that mindset, and it doesn't go away just because you finally got some. I grew up poor, and I think we are at least middle class now (I feel rich, but according to DCUM, I'm definitely not). The result is that I still live like a poor person, very frugally, and although I could buy an expensive handbag if I wanted one, the idea of it fills me not only with anxiety (as spending a lot of money always does), but also with a kind of disgust at the frivolity of such a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't get the vibe that OP acts superior towards her family. She made statements here to us, just so we'd understand the situation.

You'll just have to restrict info even more, and try not to get irritated during the inevitable times when something slips through and they act all shocked.

Typical dcum response.

Op I experience the same from my mom but a lot has to do with her attitudes towards women. It's also that she has a mentality of supporting the underdog and in doing so feels it's necessary to put down anyone who is successful. A normal parent would be proud but it makes my mother angry that spouse and I have done well. I have never discussed salaries, costs of things etc. Her favorite struggled academically and never made it through college. He lives in a low col area and makes enough to do well but his spending is insane and has caused 2 divorces. He bought a second, large expensive boat as they were close to bankruptcy without consulting spouse. She rescues him every time. I keep my distance from all of them because of the resentment and dysfunction. There is nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+ 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might not necessarily hate that you're independent, as much as they just relate to and understand your sibling more easily.

This is the dynamic in my DH's family. His sister has always been...sloppy. Her personal emergencies and issues became family emergencies and issues. My DH just dealt with this own issues without involving the entire family. So the same sort of things happen around successes too. My SIL's success have become family things to celebrate. My DH's are ignored or brushed aside. It used to bother me because it felt like they were always ragging on him. When in reality, he was, he just wasn't involving them in the minutia of his life the way his sister was. Without knowing every nitty gritty detail of every day they felt left out, and thus lashed out more at him. But it was just never his style to share like that. So he does a kind of grey rock with his family, only telling them what they really need to know and giving generalizations about everything else. It's a dynamic I don't really want to be a part of, so I mostly just keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who don't have money tend to live frugally and look down on those who spend money frivolously (or what would be frivolous to them). It's a class difference.

Np. I disagree. Plenty of those who don't have money are not frugal.

My spouse and I did without for a long time to save for a home and a nest egg. We don't spend frivolously. I have 2 siblings who are awful with money and they've spent more than spouse and I ever have, excluding cost of homes, without having the salaries to support their spending. My brother who my mom favors has owned multiple boats, very expensive cars which he buys constantly despite going through bankruptcy once and being bailed out by mom multiple times. This isn't unusual. Mom doesn't look down on these two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like there’s many older posters on here who empathize with OP’s mom. OP, I get it. I’m very careful with what I share with my mom but even the barest of details divulged gets jealousy from her and especially my sister. My sister is jealous and hateful of every single thing I have, including my house, kids, husband, etc. She admitted it to me once and now I don’t have any relationship with her.

Not at all. I'm the most financially/professionally successful kid in my family by far, my mom helps both my brother and sister financially, and I live states away from everyone else. But I don't look down on my siblings or parents and in turn, they don't give me the "text cold shoulder" that is sending OP into such a tizzy.

That last bit was childish. You know this is about more than op being upset by the lack of response to a text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like bragging to talk about your promotion with your parents. Why do they need to know about that?

What a ridiculous statement. Can you imagine not being able to share your successes with your parents. If that's true you know you are looking at a dysfunctional family. I can not imagine being that way toward my kids.

Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like bragging to talk about your promotion with your parents. Why do they need to know about that?

What a ridiculous statement. Can you imagine not being able to share your successes with your parents. If that's true you know you are looking at a dysfunctional family. I can not imagine being that way toward my kids.

Crazy.

+1. I guess PP sees her parents as competitors, not well wishers.