Parents are judgy and awkward because we're successful and independent

[Anonymous]

Seems like there’s many older posters on here who empathize with OP’s mom. OP, I get it. I’m very careful with what I share with my mom but even the barest of details divulged gets jealousy from her and especially my sister. My sister is jealous and hateful of every single thing I have, including my house, kids, husband, etc. She admitted it to me once and now I don’t have any relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I think you are reading into it OP.

Silent treatment for text and phone calls could mean they are busy living their lives. Not everything revolves around you.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the same way, OP. My mom gave me the silent treatment around a recent promotion. Vacations are met with snide remarks. She is constantly lecturing my kids about how they need to be saving their money for college tuition although realistically she should know that we can afford to send them to college. And like the pp above, my parents skipped attending my graduations. I chalk it up to everyone wants their kids to succeed but its probably hard to see adult children living a life that they can't relate to.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same boat, I stopped mentioning our vacations, purchases, let alone promotions. It's met with silence and occasional snide remarks, "aren't you the rich one now?", "ugh, another trip? can't stay at home, can you".

[Anonymous]

People who don't have money tend to live frugally and look down on those who spend money frivolously (or what would be frivolous to them). It's a class difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same boat, I stopped mentioning our vacations, purchases, let alone promotions. It's met with silence and occasional snide remarks, "aren't you the rich one now?", "ugh, another trip? can't stay at home, can you".

OP has not shared any snarky comments and instead relies on vague accusations of ghosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that i have noticed when a family member is doing better than others is a low vibe of superiority. (In some people it is in your face.) For the family member who is not intentionally trying to be superior, the vibe is due to relief that they are doing so well. But it comes off as I was smarter than you about how I have lived my life.

And the people on the receiving end of the low vibe of superiority are overly sensitive to it because they hate not being as successful.

OP, I definitely get the vibe from you as you clearly judge your sister and judge your parents for helping her and not giving you major strokes for succeeding.

DP

Vibe? I think this most only exist in toxic families. Truly the parents should be openly proud of OPs success AND should help the less successful child. The less successful child should be valued for her genuine gifts (kindness, openness, humor, creativity, intelligence, whatever she brings to the family). Everyone should have an equal position in the family and be valued as such.

I also understand OPs need for parental approval. Isn't that biologically ingrained in us?

Weirdos here might think you can forego evolution and biology, but I think the cost of not recognizing this might be mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who don't have money tend to live frugally and look down on those who spend money frivolously (or what would be frivolous to them). It's a class difference.

My parents are rich and frugal. They also look down on those who spend money differently. Definitely not a class thing. I think it's an insecurity thing - they are descendants of farmers and bankers in the Midwest. You can imagine the intergenerational trauma from the depression - stock market crash and dust bowl. They survived and remained wealthy, perhaps frugality is how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like there’s many older posters on here who empathize with OP’s mom. OP, I get it. I’m very careful with what I share with my mom but even the barest of details divulged gets jealousy from her and especially my sister. My sister is jealous and hateful of every single thing I have, including my house, kids, husband, etc. She admitted it to me once and now I don’t have any relationship with her.

Not at all. I'm the most financially/professionally successful kid in my family by far, my mom helps both my brother and sister financially, and I live states away from everyone else. But I don't look down on my siblings or parents and in turn, they don't give me the "text cold shoulder" that is sending OP into such a tizzy.

[Anonymous]

They probably are upset you aren’t going to see them for spring break instead of taking a trip. Your sis spends her vacations with them and they are sad you don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have done well for ourselves. We live states away from family, have raised our kids on our own and they're thriving. We make good money and have taken some vacations and have some nice things in our house - and my parents are so judgy for it. My mom, in particular, gives the silent treatment whenever we mention taking a vacation, or for instance when we bought a car a few years ago (nothing ostentatious, but a nicer model than they would opt for). It's so messed up. My parents aren't poor by any means, they've done well, but they are so uncomfortable with the level we're at. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't done as well career wise or family wise, yet she benefits from childcare and money from our parents (by way of a week at the beach, an old car, etc). I think my parents love being needed in that way and they hate that we're not dependent. It's so screwed up. You can't win.

Yeah, I can't imagine your family's behavior toward you; you guys sound so down to earth and pleasant.

/s

[Anonymous]

You are still dwelling on how your mom acted when you bought a car a few years ago? narcs raising narcs.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised no one identified control as the reason for the pissy behavior. Your parents can control your sister by giving her money. Anytime you go on your own vacation that you can do because you’re independent, your mom sees it as a visit or vacation not taken with her on her terms with your rules. She’s mad she can’t attach strings and doesn’t know what to do.

People who want to be needed for money are always looking for control and to perpetuate the parent child relationship without transitioning into a respectful adult and adult child relationship.

[Anonymous]

Parents, being human beings like all of us, tend to feel more favorably toward their adult children who they see more often and who overlap with them more in areas of values, ideas, etc. Once I heard this I understood my parents more and it helped me take their favoritism of my older sister less personally. It's a common dynamic op. But that doesn't make it easy, I get it. But it doesn't have to be very personal either.

[Anonymous]

They might not necessarily hate that you're independent, as much as they just relate to and understand your sibling more easily.