Parents are judgy and awkward because we're successful and independent

[Anonymous]

Parents are only people, with their own built in ideas, preferences and limitations. We expect a lot of them when we forget to just realize, they're people with their own biases.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I think you might conflating a whole bunch of issues. For me, my parents are absolutely thrilled that I have a career that has given me great financial success. However, they are absolutely appalled that I spend that money on things that are not absolute bare-bones necessities. In their view, why buy the bigger house, when you can manage in the smaller house? Why take a vacation when staying at home or accumulating days is fine? What's the point of trying out an extracurricular when home is good enough? Etc. Etc. They don't hesitate to let me know that I am spendthrift (in their eyes). It also shows that my values are different than theirs, and that causes a bridge between us. I hide things so I don't have to hear their judgment. At this point, they are old, so I don't think about it much. But I hear what you are saying, and I wonder why you keeping talking to your parents about these financial things. You don't think it's a big deal vacation, but they clearly do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might not necessarily hate that you're independent, as much as they just relate to and understand your sibling more easily.

NP here, and I disagree. OP, sometimes people think that you are as judgy as they are. Avoid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They might not necessarily hate that you're independent, as much as they just relate to and understand your sibling more easily.

NP here, and I disagree. OP, sometimes people think that you are as judgy as they are. Avoid!

*judgy and inaccurate

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be so sure it's envy. My husband and I take a lot of exotic vacations, and when we mention them my MIL always gets very quiet, but it's not out of envy, it's just that she lives her life so differently she doesn't know what to say about it. She spends a ton of money on home decor--that's what she's into. I am quiet when she talks about window treatments because I don't really have an opinion or interest in it. But I'm glad it makes her happy!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a similar dynamic in my family. Additionally, I try to do nice things for my parents, and my mom tries to find ways to direct my acts of kindness toward a sibling or an aunt rather than accept them from me. For example, I buy her tickets to see her favorite performer and the whole time; she talks about how much her sister would like it and wishes she could take her. Or, when I share with her some success my kids are having, she mentions how nice it would be if my nieces and nephews had the same opportunities. Or, I'll buy her tickets to see me and make her comfortable in my guest room, then she'll take off literally all day until bed time to spend time with my sibling who lives in the same state, only coming back to my house because I have a guest room for her. It makes me sad. I go through cycles where I disengage, then something comes up and I want to do something nice for my parents, then they inevitably remind me why I was previously disengaged.

[Anonymous]

We don't even see them in person more than twice a year.

So, you basically ignore them. Get on a d*mn plane. Go solo. Go see them, and over time build a decent relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

They only know what you tell them.

My husband and I were the "poor" in our families. Very looked down on but that's okay. Fast forward and now we are the comfortable ones. No one in either families know this about us because we too live in a different state and never ever discuss what we have. When my mother passed I saw my sister drowning in financial hell. Since then I have quietly made sure she has what she needs because she does need and I can do that for her. I also told her no one needs to know because it's between us.

My mother would be shocked to know it's my husband and I taking care of my sister. The others don't give a damn.

Don't create drama for the sake of creating drama. If it bothers you that much then don't bring up anything related to finances/purchases and just make sure everyone is happy and loved. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We don't even see them in person more than twice a year.

So, you basically ignore them. Get on a d*mn plane. Go solo. Go see them, and over time build a decent relationship with them.

If they’re not going to treat her right, why should she waste her time trying to build a relationship? These kids if relationships are often just a useless time suck.

[Anonymous]

It feels like bragging to talk about your promotion with your parents. Why do they need to know about that?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you’re gloating in your parents company and they’re put off by it? I bet you’re tone deaf & can’t read the room. I wouldn’t want to talk to you either!

[Anonymous]

You live far away and see them a couple times a year (probably around holidays). Meanwhile, your sister lives nearby and they interact almost on a daily basis. Who sounds like family and who sounds like an acquaintance?

They probably are proud of your success and simultaneously they probably don’t understand your life. You live in a different world from them. I’m in the same boat: I know my father is extremely proud of my professional successes, but he also doesn’t understand the lifestyle my children are raised in.

He bites his tongue for 99% of it, but occasionally a word will slip out.

Perhaps it isn’t judgment but just lack of understanding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have done well for ourselves. We live states away from family, have raised our kids on our own and they're thriving. We make good money and have taken some vacations and have some nice things in our house - and my parents are so judgy for it. My mom, in particular, gives the silent treatment whenever we mention taking a vacation, or for instance when we bought a car a few years ago (nothing ostentatious, but a nicer model than they would opt for). It's so messed up. My parents aren't poor by any means, they've done well, but they are so uncomfortable with the level we're at. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't done as well career wise or family wise, yet she benefits from childcare and money from our parents (by way of a week at the beach, an old car, etc). I think my parents love being needed in that way and they hate that we're not dependent. It's so screwed up. You can't win.

Yeah, I can't imagine your family's behavior toward you; you guys sound so down to earth and pleasant.

/s

DP. Op, nothing in your post suggests that you’re not a down to earth and pleasant person. I disagree with this poster’s characterization.

My parents don’t understand my life at all but they show me and tell me they’re proud of me. I wish your parents did the same, OP. I’m sure it hurts that they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like bragging to talk about your promotion with your parents. Why do they need to know about that?

DP
I will always be my kids' cheerleader. I hope they know they can always share their good news with me. Your views that a kid discussing a promotion to their parents is gloating is just sad. Parents are often the only ones we can share good news with. Even spouses and/or therapists can fall to those base reactions of jealousy and spite but a *good* parent should want the best for their kid.