Parents are judgy and awkward because we're successful and independent

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have done well for ourselves. We live states away from family, have raised our kids on our own and they're thriving. We make good money and have taken some vacations and have some nice things in our house - and my parents are so judgy for it. My mom, in particular, gives the silent treatment whenever we mention taking a vacation, or for instance when we bought a car a few years ago (nothing ostentatious, but a nicer model than they would opt for). It's so messed up. My parents aren't poor by any means, they've done well, but they are so uncomfortable with the level we're at. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't done as well career wise or family wise, yet she benefits from childcare and money from our parents (by way of a week at the beach, an old car, etc). I think my parents love being needed in that way and they hate that we're not dependent. It's so screwed up. You can't win.

[Anonymous]

If you are so independent, just stop spending as much time around them. Or just ignore the silent treatment. “Are you OK mom, you haven’t said anything for the past 2 hours”?

For someone who claims to be so independent, you sound very dependent on your parents approval.

[Anonymous]

Well, how about start with: not expecting more from your parents than you do from your friends. Make sure you're not judging them more harshly. They are entitled to have any relationship, at all, with whomever they want. Because it works for them. Make sure you aren't expecting accolades. Make sure you aren't giving too much information re: your spending --- that if done with a friend, would seem bragging and impolite.

What you can insist on - is that your parents not be rude. You do not have to accept rude behavior. Call them out on it. Silent treatment is beyond rude.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can empathize. My MIL and SFIL are like this. They are very close with BIL and SIL and their kids but don’t take an interest in our family because we don’t offer financial assistance or ask for financial assistance. They like to be financially enmeshed with relatives to an extreme degree and since we don’t participate in that, they aren’t interested in us. We just accept it. It’s their loss. One of our kids is going to college this year and the other is in high school. We did have to explain to them at one point that we have declined a few large financial asks from them that were out of proportion to our resources and that is probably why they cut all of us off, but otherwise, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

We don't even see them in person more than twice a year. The silent treatment happens via text or phone. It's so weird. We would never brag or anything, nor would we expect accolades. It's just hard, I can't imagine acting this way with my own children when they are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are so independent, just stop spending as much time around them. Or just ignore the silent treatment. “Are you OK mom, you haven’t said anything for the past 2 hours”?

For someone who claims to be so independent, you sound very dependent on your parents approval.

I had the same thought.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand that your parents would help out the needier sibling, OP. Wouldn't you do that for whichever one of your children needed more help?

As for the silent treatment or perceived jealousy, I agree it's a little pathetic. But are you sure you aren't reading too much into it?

My mother struggles with how different my life is to hers. If it's not exactly how she lives, then it's wrong, apparently. Thank goodness we live a continent away and manage our own affairs. I curate what I share...

[Anonymous]

One thing that i have noticed when a family member is doing better than others is a low vibe of superiority. (In some people it is in your face.) For the family member who is not intentionally trying to be superior, the vibe is due to relief that they are doing so well. But it comes off as I was smarter than you about how I have lived my life.

And the people on the receiving end of the low vibe of superiority are overly sensitive to it because they hate not being as successful.

OP, I definitely get the vibe from you as you clearly judge your sister and judge your parents for helping her and not giving you major strokes for succeeding.

[Anonymous]

OP, I definitely get the vibe from you as you clearly judge your sister and judge your parents for helping her and not giving you major strokes for succeeding.


OP here. Yeah, no. I'm not superior or would we ever act that way. I don't need strokes for succeeding, but the silent treatment when we mention we're taking a trip during spring break is just so weird. And, we don't hang out with them often, this attitude is all via text and phone for the most part as we live far apart.

[Anonymous]

Grey rock. Stop sharing information with your parent. Keep everything superficial and speak and text with them less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have done well for ourselves. We live states away from family, have raised our kids on our own and they're thriving. We make good money and have taken some vacations and have some nice things in our house - and my parents are so judgy for it. My mom, in particular, gives the silent treatment whenever we mention taking a vacation, or for instance when we bought a car a few years ago (nothing ostentatious, but a nicer model than they would opt for). It's so messed up. My parents aren't poor by any means, they've done well, but they are so uncomfortable with the level we're at. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't done as well career wise or family wise, yet she benefits from childcare and money from our parents (by way of a week at the beach, an old car, etc). I think my parents love being needed in that way and they hate that we're not dependent. It's so screwed up. You can't win.

Compare to "Yeah, no. I'm not superior and would never act that way"

Sis, you are acting superior to your sister, and also jealous of her getting anything from your mom that you didn't get in equal measure. Of course the kid that doesn't live "states away from family" benefits from childcare and you don't, get over it. You want your mom to thank you for not needing her, or congratulate you on being the successful one, and it's weird. Pat yourself on the back. Say some affirmations in the mirror in the morning. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I definitely get the vibe from you as you clearly judge your sister and judge your parents for helping her and not giving you major strokes for succeeding.

OP here. Yeah, no. I'm not superior or would we ever act that way. I don't need strokes for succeeding, but the silent treatment when we mention we're taking a trip during spring break is just so weird. And, we don't hang out with them often, this attitude is all via text and phone for the most part as we live far apart.

Who cares? The fact that this is via text / phone is even more pathetic. So he/she doesn’t reply to a text. So what? Just say something like “hey dad, I didn’t hear back from you, checking to make sure everything is OK. Call me when you want to talk! Xoxo” and then forget about it until they reach out.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the vibe that OP acts superior towards her family. She made statements here to us, just so we'd understand the situation.

You'll just have to restrict info even more, and try not to get irritated during the inevitable times when something slips through and they act all shocked.

[Anonymous]

When you’re on the phone with them, stick to asking about them and telling them about stuff that’s not expensive.

[Anonymous]

My late father was shunned, mocked and ignored by his family of origin for: leaving his hometown, graduating from college (no one attended his graduation ceremony), intentionally working on his speech and vocabulary (lost his accent), and carefully studied how to be financially successful.