Why do you whine and complain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

I'm the same. I recently have made a point of not doing that. Age I think is a big part of it. I bite my tongue. I'm trying to be more optimistic and bite my sarcastic, pessimistic tongue.

I really made great strides this year. I think in part, stress is lifting as my kids approach college--almost to empty nest. It's just a good time. I actively re-frame my mindset. My husband is naturally more optimistic and I try to feed off that instead of bringing him to my side.

^ one more thing. I have always hated people that complain about the same things, but do not attempt to make any change. There are a bunch of dads at my kids' former sports club that relentlessly complain to toxic levels, yet they keep their kids there. We left and all of us our so much happier...and not listening to toxicity on the sidelines helped.

I also don't want my negativity to become my kids' go-to as well. When they have faced failure and rejection, I always have said another door will open and we have seen this happen over and over in their childhood. Get cut from team/team politics, they move and grind somewhere else and succeed. It's having a growth-mindset. I think I've been good about that with them. Not dwell on the slights/unjust which I have a hard time doing myself. My kids don't do this. They move on quickly and they don't hold onto bitterness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

This. Also habit and untreated depression. I swear it’s a dopamine hit for my mother.

[Anonymous]

I steer away from habitual complainers. Talking about life and issues is totally fine. But there is a segment of the population who always has to complain about something. I'm not interested in that segment.

Why do they complain so much? I have no idea. It's boring, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

This!

On side note I'm not annoyed by complaining. I get very annoyed by people who complain and don't act - like if you don't vote don't F#*$ing complain about the elected officials. It's your fault they got in. If you did vote for them and don't like them now, then yeah, fair to complain they weren't who they said they were going to be. Same for everything else. Don't like your house? What steps do you take to move or make it better. If none, just keep your pie hole shut.

See, I think this attitude is super controlling and judgmental. If someone wants to complain about their house, whatever. I'm not standing there with a checklist all "well have you tried painting? why don't you just replace the dishwasher? are you putting money away every month for a bathroom reno? why not!?" Like I don't know the situation and something like a house is not a super easy think to fix. Sometimes the thing a person hates about their house is the new neighbors who moved in next door or the fact that their HOA just doubled fees but decreased services. Those are not quick fixes. If someone wants to complain about that stuff, I am cool with it and I don't need them to prove to me that they have done everything they possibly could to fix the situation before complaining. I mean, maybe if they complain for 5 years and never do anything. But otherwise, whatever, let them complain.

This attitude is not "controlling". Wierd that you think so. I actually don't say much at all. I smile, nod, and will say something positive to try to get out of the negative death spiral and free my ears the the complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

This!

On side note I'm not annoyed by complaining. I get very annoyed by people who complain and don't act - like if you don't vote don't F#*$ing complain about the elected officials. It's your fault they got in. If you did vote for them and don't like them now, then yeah, fair to complain they weren't who they said they were going to be. Same for everything else. Don't like your house? What steps do you take to move or make it better. If none, just keep your pie hole shut.

See, I think this attitude is super controlling and judgmental. If someone wants to complain about their house, whatever. I'm not standing there with a checklist all "well have you tried painting? why don't you just replace the dishwasher? are you putting money away every month for a bathroom reno? why not!?" Like I don't know the situation and something like a house is not a super easy think to fix. Sometimes the thing a person hates about their house is the new neighbors who moved in next door or the fact that their HOA just doubled fees but decreased services. Those are not quick fixes. If someone wants to complain about that stuff, I am cool with it and I don't need them to prove to me that they have done everything they possibly could to fix the situation before complaining. I mean, maybe if they complain for 5 years and never do anything. But otherwise, whatever, let them complain.

This attitude is not "controlling". Wierd that you think so. I actually don't say much at all. I smile, nod, and will say something positive to try to get out of the negative death spiral and free my ears the the complaints.

It's just weird to me that if someone had a *valid* complaint about their house, of all things, you'd be like "well why haven't you fixed it yet." Because obviously there are lots of reasons someone might not have been able to fix an annoying issue with their home -- expense, lack of knowledge, the problem is due to location or neighbors, etc.

I understand some of the other examples in the thread more. Like the PP who was frustrated with all the dads at a kid activity who kept complaining about every aspect of the activity but also kept their kids in it. Something where the solution to your complaint is obvious and doesn't cost you much. But it can be hard to fix house issues and moving is kind of a big deal, so if someone had a valid complain about their house, I think it's weird to always think "ugh, just fix it." It's to always that easy.

Obviously if the complaint is not valid none of this applies. Some people really will just look for anything to complain about.

[Anonymous]

DP here. I agree with PP, it sounds like OP is very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people come from cultures where negative feelings are meant to be expressed. It's part of the group bonding process and part of dealing with and getting through disappointment. Just because you come from a culture of repression doesn't mean that it's illogical to express negativity. It just makes you uncomfortable around complainers. By the way, complaining doesn't mean you don't do anything to change your circumstances. For example, Jews traditionally have a high-complaint culture with a tradition of a lot of emotional expression and permission to voice negativity. We also have a tradition of activism. They go hand-in-hand.

THIS
Don’t complain without action.
Don’t repress negative emotions

2 ingredients for healthy emotions and financial success. Also 2 rules I live by and I have achieved the second for sure. I think I would achieve the first if I hadn’t married a gentile who views complaining as a negative thing - and I don’t have hour a day free for therapy (maybe I should!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here and thanks for all the responses. Really eye opening, especially the cultural part of it.

I have lived on the west coast and also the east coast, and I agree there is a vast difference in complaining culture. And making a massive generalization here, but I felt that on the west coast, there was this laid back vibe that everything was groovy, all positive and love and light, and yet you could always sense this undercurrent of unhappiness/loneliness/shallowness. And on the east coast, you get a much more prickly and negative vibe on the surface, but in general there was a lot more substance underneath that, which had a more holistic acceptance of their unhappiness, but allowed for a much deeper connection with others.

Having come from a repressive household where I was not allowed a voice to complain, and then marrying someone who really loves to complain, almost treating it like a favorite past time, and comes from a family of complainers has been hard to reconcile at times.

In defense of west coast positivity -- it's not fake. It is profoundly shaped by activist culture and self-help culture, both of which say that if something isn't good, you should act to change it. Either get angry and fix it, or find peace and accept it, but don't stew in negativity.

Also, outdoorsy people (who are not exclusive to the west, but prevalent there) have a culture of vocal appreciation for small things -- a great view, a favorite tree -- and of shrugging off disappointment, since you can't fight weather. All the most negative people I know are people who have zero exposure to outdoorsy culture.

That said, the tech boom has changed the west very rapidly and there are a lot of tensions between the culture of people who grew up there in actual "love and light" culture, and the fact you can't afford housing anymore: I'm not surprised you found unhappy people, as I moved away myself. But it's also very simplistic to pretend that happy people are shallow and negative people are deep.

Oh shut up.

[Anonymous]

The serenity prayer acknowledges being at peace with what is beyond our control. Why complain about the weather?

I like the strong silent type when it comes to men. I do not like whiny and complaining men. I like the stoicism movement and philosophy.

It's good to recognize toxic positivity. We grieve loss. That is healthy to have emotions.

The movie "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio is an excellent take on how a group reacts to and treats a complainer, even if the person is in real pain. People don't want to hear it or be around it.

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor who loves to complain. I try not to talk to her because she is so negative. I also wonder how her nice laid back husband puts up with her. Found out the other day that he moved out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

OP do you lack empathy? Maybe its you. Is it that you around all these people who complain, or is it that you think everyday chatter is complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I steer away from habitual complainers. Talking about life and issues is totally fine. But there is a segment of the population who always has to complain about something. I'm not interested in that segment.

Why do they complain so much? I have no idea. It's boring, though.

Complaining is healthy and normal esp situations you can't control or chose.

I can't stand the complaining when mostly:

1) You do it to yourself (ie keeping up with the Jones then complain you didn't save up for college; choose to be a less stress Uber driver and complain you can't afford a vacation) - you made the choice, own it and don't complain or make a different choice

2) You really have a good life but only see the negative (afford not to work, go on luxury vacations then complain house/kids chores just too much; when the most of us have to juggle both and make do with less) - true Debbie Downer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I steer away from habitual complainers. Talking about life and issues is totally fine. But there is a segment of the population who always has to complain about something. I'm not interested in that segment.

Why do they complain so much? I have no idea. It's boring, though.

Complaining is healthy and normal esp situations you can't control or chose.

I can't stand the complaining when mostly:

1) You do it to yourself (ie keeping up with the Jones then complain you didn't save up for college; choose to be a less stress Uber driver and complain you can't afford a vacation) - you made the choice, own it and don't complain or make a different choice

2) You really have a good life but only see the negative (afford not to work, go on luxury vacations then complain house/kids chores just too much; when the most of us have to juggle both and make do with less) - true Debbie Downer

+1. Agree. DP here. But I also think that some people look to find fault with people (whether they actually verbalize that or not - most do not) - so their way of criticizing someone (no matter if true or not, or to what degree) is to say they are "too this or too that".

In other words, they are the ones who are actually complaining, however passive aggressively. The irony!