Why do you whine and complain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are only happy when they are unhappy. When they don’t have something to complain about, they are TRULY unhappy.

Huh, I never thought about it that way, but I think you are exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get frustrated around people who are constantly negative. They treat it like an Olympic sport. It’s okay to have negative feelings and it’s okay to express them. But when your whole personality is tied to competition complaining…you’re just going to perpetuate the cycle, you’ll always look for the bad things before you see the good.

Well that's something different. I am completely fine with complaining from people but I can't stand competition complaining. But I dislike one-upping in any form, whether it's bragging or complaining. People who do this are impossible to talk to because any conversation only has one destination -- them. But it's not the complaining, per se, that bugs me. It's the one-upping, especially when it takes the form of "you should be GRATEFUL you don't have it as BAD as ME."

But if someone just wants to kvetch about stuff in their life, I am great with that. I'm a pretty naturally empathetic person and good at just listening and validating. I also think I'm good at not being infected by someone else's negativity. I can listen to someone complain about their job or family or neighbor and it doesn't bring me down. If I have the same problem, I'll feel good like "oh, I'm not the only one." And if I don't have the same problem, I will feel grateful not to be going through something hard like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

This really rings true for me, as the opposite type. I'm from the western US and really don't like to be around negative talk. I think positive things are Interesting: a neat building I saw, a good hike, a funny story. I can tell that my negative friends see the negativity as bonding or an invitation to share similar worries. But it often has a cynical or fatalist edge (like, what could you expect?) that grates on me.

This is absolutely true. The ILs are from the mid west part of the U.S., and it was beat into them (figuratively, of course) not to complain, or speak their mind, that all is rainbows and sunshine (again, figuratively, of course - but that is another difference). I feel bad for them, because it internalizes and they have many physical ailments because of it.

If you come from a repressed, dour, flat affect background, you think it is normal. If one voices one's opinion, it is seen as "complaining" - even though it is not complaining, in real life. It seems that some people hear certain things as complaints, even though it is not. OP, your behavior can be seen as over scrutinizing what others are saying, to the point of being hypercritical, and looking for fault. So, you are in fact complaining, OP. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

op here and thanks for all the responses. Really eye opening, especially the cultural part of it.

I have lived on the west coast and also the east coast, and I agree there is a vast difference in complaining culture. And making a massive generalization here, but I felt that on the west coast, there was this laid back vibe that everything was groovy, all positive and love and light, and yet you could always sense this undercurrent of unhappiness/loneliness/shallowness. And on the east coast, you get a much more prickly and negative vibe on the surface, but in general there was a lot more substance underneath that, which had a more holistic acceptance of their unhappiness, but allowed for a much deeper connection with others.

Having come from a repressive household where I was not allowed a voice to complain, and then marrying someone who really loves to complain, almost treating it like a favorite past time, and comes from a family of complainers has been hard to reconcile at times.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago we very briefly lived in Boca Raton FL. I swear the people there turned complaining into an art form. I always felt sorry for the people working retail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

Realizing that felt came off as an attack. I am honestly curious and trying to understand the motivations better. Maybe I was raised in the other extreme, where I was really not "allowed" to complain or have a voice. I either had to accept it or do something about it. So there is a big disconnect for me in understanding when others complain without doing anything to effect change. In fact, there is absolutely zero desire to do so. It's illogical to me.

That's really sad, it goes to show this little window of treatment can set a kid on a path to be an intolerant impatient adult (not saying that op is but to some degree we mold the future's behavior)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

Realizing that felt came off as an attack. I am honestly curious and trying to understand the motivations better. Maybe I was raised in the other extreme, where I was really not "allowed" to complain or have a voice. I either had to accept it or do something about it. So there is a big disconnect for me in understanding when others complain without doing anything to effect change. In fact, there is absolutely zero desire to do so. It's illogical to me.

That's really sad, it goes to show this little window of treatment can set a kid on a path to be an intolerant impatient adult (not saying that op is but to some degree we mold the future's behavior)

PP here. Worse. It breeds adult anger issues, and lack of coping mechanisms, at best. DH's mom used to let loose on him over nothing, because all her anger was pushed down inside her, eating her away.

[Anonymous]

My mom would complain and complain and was the most negative person ever. She did this from when I was younger than 10 and I got into the habit of complaining along with her (in solidarity I guess?). Then at some point later, she’d turn on me and point out all the things going wrong with my life to discourage me from making my own decisions or taking chances in life.

I get how being overly positive is annoying but having seen the opposite I feel like it’s better to be positive leaning than negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

Realizing that felt came off as an attack. I am honestly curious and trying to understand the motivations better. Maybe I was raised in the other extreme, where I was really not "allowed" to complain or have a voice. I either had to accept it or do something about it. So there is a big disconnect for me in understanding when others complain without doing anything to effect change. In fact, there is absolutely zero desire to do so. It's illogical to me.

That's really sad, it goes to show this little window of treatment can set a kid on a path to be an intolerant impatient adult (not saying that op is but to some degree we mold the future's behavior)

PP here. Worse. It breeds adult anger issues, and lack of coping mechanisms, at best. DH's mom used to let loose on him over nothing, because all her anger was pushed down inside her, eating her away.

To add, you can only imagine how this left DH without coping mechanisms, or proper expression of anger, or any emotion, really - which only worsens with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom would complain and complain and was the most negative person ever. She did this from when I was younger than 10 and I got into the habit of complaining along with her (in solidarity I guess?). Then at some point later, she’d turn on me and point out all the things going wrong with my life to discourage me from making my own decisions or taking chances in life.

I get how being overly positive is annoying but having seen the opposite I feel like it’s better to be positive leaning than negative.

Same, but it lets you see both sides. My mom was like yours, and I deciphered what was a "her issue" and what was a legitimate issue, very young. When a parent is the opposite, and stuffs everything down, to eat away at you, that is a much larger issue, in the long run.

[Anonymous]

The older I get, the less I complain because I have the perspective and experience to realize most things are not that big of a deal. I am good at assuming positive intent, letting things go, and moving on. It helps me maintain a positive disposition.

Other people seem to grow more bitter with age and just complain more as the slights and offenses pile up. They see themselves as a victim and everyone out to take advantage or slight them. That’s a really sad way to live but I see so many people stuck there. Once they get in that rut, it’s like they attract more problems to complain about

[Anonymous]

Most people want to feel seen and heard. Complaining is a way to do that.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes when you've been treated so egregiously but never given a chance to speak up, every word comes out as a complaint when you're asked. At least that's me with one particular manager. I'm also speaking up and complaining for my employees under me- they REALLY don't get a voice and they are leaving like crazy.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy sitting back and hearing older people complain. It's just relaxing to simply listen and let someone be heard. It's always knees, hips, uncaring relatives, temperature/comfort stuff and feeling unheard (90s+)
so I feel it's a basic duty to hear older people out and kids are similar. I've volunteered with both and a little one who knows you're listening will tell you all their problems and I bet speaking it out loud will help them create that solution you want them to intuitively have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy sitting back and hearing older people complain. It's just relaxing to simply listen and let someone be heard. It's always knees, hips, uncaring relatives, temperature/comfort stuff and feeling unheard (90s+)
so I feel it's a basic duty to hear older people out and kids are similar. I've volunteered with both and a little one who knows you're listening will tell you all their problems and I bet speaking it out loud will help them create that solution you want them to intuitively have.

That’s a very compassionate view on complaining. Thanks for sharing.
-op