Why do you whine and complain?

[Anonymous]

I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to hear from the people who whine and complain ALL the time. Complain, complain complain.

Why do you do it? Is there some kind of pay off? Does it feel good?

Realizing that felt came off as an attack. I am honestly curious and trying to understand the motivations better. Maybe I was raised in the other extreme, where I was really not "allowed" to complain or have a voice. I either had to accept it or do something about it. So there is a big disconnect for me in understanding when others complain without doing anything to effect change. In fact, there is absolutely zero desire to do so. It's illogical to me.

[Anonymous]

Some people come from cultures where negative feelings are meant to be expressed. It's part of the group bonding process and part of dealing with and getting through disappointment. Just because you come from a culture of repression doesn't mean that it's illogical to express negativity. It just makes you uncomfortable around complainers. By the way, complaining doesn't mean you don't do anything to change your circumstances. For example, Jews traditionally have a high-complaint culture with a tradition of a lot of emotional expression and permission to voice negativity. We also have a tradition of activism. They go hand-in-hand.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading a great book right now that speaks to this- build the life you want. Some people are very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

I'm from the western US and I'm like you. Though I never felt like I fit in there. Though even after moving out east, I still feel like talking about negative things is frowned upon here. I think there's an American imperative to be positive and upbeat that makes people averse to negativity. I have found I get along well with people from Asia and Europe, where I think there is more of an acceptance of negativity.

For me, talking about negative issues is a way of working through them. But I wouldn't even frame it as "complaining" most of the time. More like acknowledging and discussing. I have noticed many people view any mention of a negative issue as an invitation for "fixing" the issue, but often I am talking about something that doesn't need fixing and might not even be "bad" just difficult or hard to accept. But I've learned that many people struggle with the idea of simply accepting negative things in your life.

I do think there is greater acceptance of negativity as you get older, because people are more likely to encounter negative things they cannot change. For instance I've noticed in the last few years that some of my friends have started complaining/venting about elderly parents more, and are more accepting of talking about the challenges of having very old and sometimes sick older parents. This is not something anyone can fix. Our parents will not become younger or healthier if we just work at it. Also many of them have mental health or behavioral issues that are getting worse with age, and once your parents are in their late 70s, you have to kind of accept this is who they are -- they are simply too old to change some of these behaviors and odds are good they'll get worse over time, not better. This is a subject where I find people are increasingly willing to just sit and "whine and complain" about our parents for a bit as a form of catharsis, with the understanding that we are just blowing off steam about something challenging about life that cannot be fixed or perfected. I agree it is a healthy approach to frustrating things over which you have little power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

This really rings true for me, as the opposite type. I'm from the western US and really don't like to be around negative talk. I think positive things are Interesting: a neat building I saw, a good hike, a funny story. I can tell that my negative friends see the negativity as bonding or an invitation to share similar worries. But it often has a cynical or fatalist edge (like, what could you expect?) that grates on me.

[Anonymous]

If you aren’t used to negativity and were raised to be more positive, it’s really demoralizing to be around that type of person or talk. It might also be upbringings raised in church, you focus on uplifting and being positive (at least in theory).

For me, as you get older I have to fight the negative slant bc I think like someone previously said more things go wrong as you age or you can see future problems.

[Anonymous]

I get frustrated around people who are constantly negative. They treat it like an Olympic sport. It’s okay to have negative feelings and it’s okay to express them. But when your whole personality is tied to competition complaining…you’re just going to perpetuate the cycle, you’ll always look for the bad things before you see the good.

[Anonymous]

I’m planning on running for president.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

Thanks, this is enlightening for me. -op

[Anonymous]

I also think it matters WHAT people are complaining about. If a friend has what seems like legitimate things they need to discuss, and they are negative things, I’m happy to hear them and talk about them. Like a job loss or sick parent or crisis of some kind. But the constant drip drip drip of complaining about little everyday hassles is just TOO MUCH. My therapist says people are just trying to connect and share their day. I don’t feel connected to people when they “share” their frustration at having to cancel a dentist appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

I'm from the western US and I'm like you. Though I never felt like I fit in there. Though even after moving out east, I still feel like talking about negative things is frowned upon here. I think there's an American imperative to be positive and upbeat that makes people averse to negativity. I have found I get along well with people from Asia and Europe, where I think there is more of an acceptance of negativity.

For me, talking about negative issues is a way of working through them. But I wouldn't even frame it as "complaining" most of the time. More like acknowledging and discussing. I have noticed many people view any mention of a negative issue as an invitation for "fixing" the issue, but often I am talking about something that doesn't need fixing and might not even be "bad" just difficult or hard to accept. But I've learned that many people struggle with the idea of simply accepting negative things in your life.

I do think there is greater acceptance of negativity as you get older, because people are more likely to encounter negative things they cannot change. For instance I've noticed in the last few years that some of my friends have started complaining/venting about elderly parents more, and are more accepting of talking about the challenges of having very old and sometimes sick older parents. This is not something anyone can fix. Our parents will not become younger or healthier if we just work at it. Also many of them have mental health or behavioral issues that are getting worse with age, and once your parents are in their late 70s, you have to kind of accept this is who they are -- they are simply too old to change some of these behaviors and odds are good they'll get worse over time, not better. This is a subject where I find people are increasingly willing to just sit and "whine and complain" about our parents for a bit as a form of catharsis, with the understanding that we are just blowing off steam about something challenging about life that cannot be fixed or perfected. I agree it is a healthy approach to frustrating things over which you have little power.

Thanks for sharing this perspective. I’m realizing I probably do complain about things like my parents- and I commiserate, but I also use that to give me better patience, and maybe change my approach and attitude.

That feels very different though. Can’t fully articulate why. But there are those who only complain, never say a good thing. And it feels like a vicious circle of half truths they keep spinning to keep their anger going. And these types of communicators inevitably find each other, so they can complain to each other and it grows and feeds on itself and they feel justified and then have this very distorted view that everyone feels the same way that they feel.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are only happy when they are unhappy. When they don’t have something to complain about, they are TRULY unhappy.