Is 4 years too much of an age gap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first two were exactly 4 years apart and it was amazing. Oldest completely understood that baby's needs are greater, no jealousy or acting out towards baby. My middle and youngest were 2 years apart and OH MY it was much more difficult. Now that they're older the oldest two do fight more, but honestly that's to be expected. Would repeat a 4 year gap again in a second.

This is funny--we have kids with the same spacing, and I thought the 2 year gap was easier. It probably just depends on the personalities of the kids and parents involved.

That being said I don't think a 4 year gap is too big at all. My oldest and youngest (freshman in college and freshman in HS) are super close--they always have been actually, but in the last couple of years I'm seeing more and more geniune friendship between them, not just the sibling bond. It's really cool.

[Anonymous]

5.5 years here and its GREAT. The baby stage flies by and DD1 adores DD2. They are already BFF’s at 7.5 and 2. Seriously it wasnt the plan but worked out much better than expected. DD1 can even “watch” or play w DD2 for 5-10 mins at a time unassisted and it helps so much to get quick tasks done like throwing in a load of laundry or emptying the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

2 kids. 7 yr apart. Fantastic because there is zero sibling rivalry. Both love each other to bits. Very close to each other. Helped with college payment too.

[Anonymous]

We have three, with a big gap between the second and third. There are honestly pros and cons, as there is to most arrangements. So much will depend on personalities and genders too, so it's impossible to predict. Outside of two kids with an exactly 3 year age gap, which I think is the easiest, you will hear all different things from the large age gap. Seeing the oldests take care of the little one is great, and they have a different type of relationship.

Pros: Can focus on the baby with older at school, older can actually be helpful, play independently, you don't have two "babies" at once. You may be less exhausted.

Cons: Harder to do activities together, especially if there is a gender difference on top of the age gap. For us, we were ready to do more exciting travel with older two, but it was harder with the third. Now we are out of that, but the third (a boy), does not want to do the same thing as two older girls. They also have less in common with their little brother. But this could have been different with same gender.

[Anonymous]

The parents with young kids don’t fully understand yet. It’s harder when you have a 5th grader and a 9th grader than when you have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and still control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents with young kids don’t fully understand yet. It’s harder when you have a 5th grader and a 9th grader than when you have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and still control everything.

Big gaps with older kids are perfectly manageable and frankly preferable to many people including me. I love the fact that I never had to deal with two babies at once. I do not particularly like babies, and I am not alone.

[Anonymous]

Not too much if you are the parents, yes too much if you are the kids, although it won't matter when they are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents with young kids don’t fully understand yet. It’s harder when you have a 5th grader and a 9th grader than when you have a 2 year old and a 6 year old and still control everything.

Like having 9th and 11th graders is easier.

[Anonymous]

I am expecting my fifth and if all goes well the age gaps are 2 years, then 3 years, then 4 years, then 4 years again this time. In my opinion 4 years is the best. Everybody gets a fair crack at being a baby and the older one is more capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience over many years of parenting, in the families who do this, its easier on the parents and the kids "get along" but are not really close. They are just in different phases of life.

+1. I think it depends on the kids and parents. I have a four year gap between my two kids and was the youngest of three with a four year gap and found it challenging as a sibling and now as a parent.

My oldest is five so it’s been a little over a year but she does not enjoy being a big sister. She liked being an only and the chaos and attention that a baby brings is hard on her. She got used to having everything to herself so every incremental adjustment since the baby has been born has been hard. Intellectually she knows that she should be nice to the baby and love the baby but in the moment she doesn’t care. I expect as they grow up they will find their own dynamic but I can’t see them being close - like friends- until my younger child is in their teens or twenties.

I was the youngest of three with a four year gap and felt very much like an afterthought growing up. My older siblings are two years apart and they’re very close so I could never break into their relationship. They had four years to connect before I arrived and were in elementary, middle, and high school together. My oldest sibling really helped my middle sibling socially freshman year at a new school in a way that my middle sibling could not help me when I went because they were a freshman in college when I was a freshman in high school. Also, you can’t put your middle schooler on autopilot when your eldest applies to college as some have suggested. My good friend’s eighth grader has a bad ED and was in outpatient treatment while her eldest was applying to college. Middle school is a stressful time for many kids and mental health challenges become more apparent so if you’re not on top of that you’ll be triaging in high school and college.

Every gap has challenges and having kids brings challenges so to me there isn’t a bad/good/perfect gap. I’m adding my experience because it’s not all amazing and there isn’t one scenario that will play out for any age gap. It’s very kid and parent and situation dependent.