Reply to Is 4 years too much of an age gap?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In my experience over many years of parenting, in the families who do this, its easier on the parents and the kids "get along" but are not really close. They are just in different phases of life. [/quote]

+1. I think it depends on the kids and parents. I have a four year gap between my two kids and was the youngest of three with a four year gap and found it challenging as a sibling and now as a parent.

My oldest is five so it’s been a little over a year but she does not enjoy being a big sister. She liked being an only and the chaos and attention that a baby brings is hard on her. She got used to having everything to herself so every incremental adjustment since the baby has been born has been hard. Intellectually she knows that she should be nice to the baby and love the baby but in the moment she doesn’t care. I expect as they grow up they will find their own dynamic but I can’t see them being close - like friends- until my younger child is in their teens or twenties.

I was the youngest of three with a four year gap and felt very much like an afterthought growing up. My older siblings are two years apart and they’re very close so I could never break into their relationship. They had four years to connect before I arrived and were in elementary, middle, and high school together. My oldest sibling really helped my middle sibling socially freshman year at a new school in a way that my middle sibling could not help me when I went because they were a freshman in college when I was a freshman in high school. Also, you can’t put your middle schooler on autopilot when your eldest applies to college as some have suggested. My good friend’s eighth grader has a bad ED and was in outpatient treatment while her eldest was applying to college. Middle school is a stressful time for many kids and mental health challenges become more apparent so if you’re not on top of that you’ll be triaging in high school and college.

Every gap has challenges and having kids brings challenges so to me there isn’t a bad/good/perfect gap. I’m adding my experience because it’s not all amazing and there isn’t one scenario that will play out for any age gap. It’s very kid and parent and situation dependent. [/quote]

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