How long did you grieve your parent?

[Anonymous]

About a year, it was a complex relationship which wasn't always good. There is still some grieving off and on, especially at holidays.

[Anonymous]

I miss my Dad every day. He had been sick for a while though and the quality of the last 5 or so years of his life wasn’t great, so in that respect I’m glad he’s free from that. I get angry at times that he was robbed of being the grandfather he always wanted to be. He would have been the most out of control fun grandfather, and I mean that in the best way, but by the time the kids were toddlers he wasn’t doing well. I love telling my kids stories about him and how he would have been their biggest cheerleader at their sporting events.

[Anonymous]

My father died suddenly and in a tragic way 2 years ago that left me with severe trauma. Despite my supporting my DH for 3+ years while my MIL was dying of a terminal illness (raising the kids while he left for weeks at a time to travel to MIL to take care of her, helped clean up her apartment quickly per the orders of my SIL once she died in hospice, found my DH a grief counselor bc he was devastated even though he knew her death was imminent, etc), my DH did not provide much support, grace or space for me to grieve when my father passed 5 years after my MIL's passing. I am still very angry about it, and I am not sure I can forgive him. We have talked about separating because he admits he should have done better, he just wants me to move on (even though he was given all the opportunity to grieve on his own schedule).

I am crying right now as I type this. My father's birthday was 3 days ago. I miss him terribly. He actually passed the first week of a new job and my boss was so understanding and supportive of my needing to take immediate time off for which I am so grateful (and signaled to me this would be a great place to work and it has been). So it hasn't affected my job in the long term.

One last thing: I started to notice that when people found out my father had suddenly died, very, very few people asked me how I was doing, the overwhelming number immediately asked how my mother was doing. It was surprising to me the few people that did check in on me, and how I was doing, and it really meant a lot to me the people that did.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom 12 years ago. I still miss her all the time. The grief comes in waves. She was the best.

[Anonymous]

In my 60s now. All parents and inlaws died within these past 14 years. My miss my parents terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with good, excellent to ordinary relationships with their parents grieve their whole lives. I don't really understand the question.

No they don’t, unless you have some other definition of “grieve” in mind that isn’t the normal one. In that case you are just changing the question to “what is the definition of grieving”. My dad died 7 years ago from cancer. I was very sad for a few days / weeks, and then occasionally sad for a longer, maybe a few months. Now 7 years later sure I miss my dad from time to time but most of the time when I think of him the memories are happy, about things we did, and the good times we had.

[Anonymous]

The first year was the hardest. My dad’s passing was sudden and traumatic for a lot of reasons. Most of my grief took the form as anger as a result. Anger and sadness spilled over into all areas of my life for 2-3 months. it became more manageable and has healed with time. I miss him and grief is in a healthy place now. Grief is different for everyone and working through it is not always linear.

[Anonymous]

+1 almost 5 years put (I can’t even believe it) and still have moments of great sadness but have learned to live with the grief. The first year was awful and all the “firsts” without my dad (first Christmas, birthday etc). Still hard to see my mom alone and how sad she is, though she puts on a brave face. Will add my perfectly healthy and relatively young dad passed away suddenly making the grief complicated and hard to her closure.0

quote=Anonymous]It's been over two years and I am still grieving but the grief has changed a lot in that time.
The first 3-4 months I was beside myself, had ongoing sleep disturbance, could be set off crying by the smallest thing, thought all the time of various aspects of death: the circumstances surrounding the actual death, what I miss most, what I had hoped for that will not be, who my parent was, how I remember them and how this impacts my identity, how the death and loss of relationship impacts my children, how it's different for my siblings, how to help my surviving parent who is deep in grief, and on and on. There was so much to process.
I will never stop missing my parent but the grief is just a companion I've learned to live with and it doesn't feel all-consuming or disrespectful to not pay attention to it if my current life needs my attention. I can reminisce without being overcome.e with emotion. I still have the briefest thougts of "I need to tell my parent xyz" or "the next time I see them". It's like a millisecond of forgetting they are permanently gone. It still seems like there must be some possibility...

[Anonymous]

Sudden death almost two years ago right after turning 70, and I still miss him terribly every single day. The first stage was shock as he was so active and healthy seeming, so I never imagined he’d literally just drop dead with no warning. Eventually I went through a phase of anger, and now I’m at acceptance. I just so wish he was still in my life, and I feel so sad for my children who got so little time with their grandpa. I still think about him daily.

[Anonymous]

I was very close with my dad (and so we're my
Kids) when he suddenly passed away at 67. The first month was terrible and hard to do much more than cry. I struggled to sleep and eat. I'd say it took a year maybe even two after getting through all the firsts without him to start to feel like myself again and learn to live with the grief.

I look back and I can’t believe I went back to work after only 2 weeks. I could barely concentrate or handle much. In some ways it was a good distraction, but I know I was not a very productive employee at that time.

[Anonymous]

About 3 years

[Anonymous]

My dad passed when I was 26, and I'm 44 now. I still grieve his death and think about him almost every day. I cry every time I watch a video about heartwarming father/daughter moments. I talk about him often to my daughters who never got a chance to meet him.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I ever really did. They divorced late in life, had ugly declines separately, and each had so many tasks to manage with their deaths that there was no time for sadness. Only sh*t that had to be done. I think about them frequently in terms of my childhood but also feel tremendous relief that that part of my life is over. It is a miracle that we siblings were able to emerge from the trauma of it all with our relationship intact.

[Anonymous]

Five years and I still grieve my dad, who loved all his children equally. One year for my mom and it is a complicated grief since my brother took her to a lawyer and convinced her to disinherit the rest of us. My grief for her is mixed with anger for my brother, who was her favorite.

[Anonymous]

I grieved my father over the many years of his decline. By the time he passed he was very ill and unable to do anything independently and in pain so I was relieved. I miss him, but I am glad he is not suffering. We still have a relationship. I feel like sends me signs and I share things with him in my head. I prefer this to seeing him suffering. I was close with him and saw him very often throughout my life so I feel fortunate.

With my mother, she is still living and I have mourned the woman I could have a relationship with already. For the past maybe 6 years she has gotten progressively more hostile, even with medication. I am finally at the point I forgot what it was like to have a nice relationship, but she always had this side just not so pronounced. So mainly I just try to manage things she I don't deal with a tirade of insults.

I get waves of sadness more with the loss of my brother because I didn't get to go through the whole lifecycle with him, but I am glad he no longer suffers. I talk to him too and he sends me signs, but it is different than with my dad and I miss the friendship. Not sure about phases, but I did feel relief at first because he was so ill and it was torture to see him suffer for so long.