How long did you grieve your parent?

[Anonymous]

It's been almost three years since my mom died from cancer at 60. The grief is not as intense as it was at the beginning, but it is certainly still there. I don't think it ever fully goes away.

[Anonymous]

For a full year it was pretty bad-after the first month or so probably seemed okay to others but really wasn’t myself still for a while. The anniversary was very hard in the years since then honestly I still feel grief at times but it has certainly gotten much,much less painful over time. I’m sorry for your loss!

[Anonymous]

I still do it’s been almost 9 years. Around year 3 I started just talking to him and not crying as much. Grief is very personal and it’s not linear.

[Anonymous]

I lost my first parent as a child. I never stopped grieving them (am mid-40s now), though I have learned to cope with the effects and experiences of losing a parent during your fundamental developmental phases.

I lost my second parent in my early 30s, as an adult. It was MUCH easier, and I probably grieved them for a couple months at most. I loved them, but the pain (for me) of losing a parent as a child vs. adult is incomparable. Also probably because it was not my first major loss.

[Anonymous]

A couple of months for my dad. Years for my mom. Still hurts 14 years later, though rarely cry anymore. Really sad when I think about all that she missed with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry for your loss. Google Elizabeth Kubler Ross for info on stages of grief

That’s been widely misinterpreted. It’s supposed to be for people who are dying. Not people who’ve had relatives die.

[Anonymous]

Mom died suddenly almost 3 years ago. The first 4 months were difficult and a blur. Then it wasn’t as intense. The year mark was a turning point to moving forward. Still grieving, will always grieve. I have a different relationship with her now…

[Anonymous]

Like all things. It depends. A sudden death? Short illness? Long illness? Dementia? The grieving will start at different times depending on death.

[Anonymous]

My dad died at 73 of metastatic lung cancer after a two year battle. The end was so incredibly hard for him that I was so relieved (for him) when it was over. I miss him but never really grieved him because the end was that bad. He was in such pain.

My mom has dementia and a host of physical issues. Dementia makes things so difficult. She’s been begging to die for the last two years whenever she has moments of lucidity. I’m not sure how much I’ll grieve because she herself wants the end to come and the last few years have been so hard for her. And the hits keep coming. It’s so complicated.

[Anonymous]

There is no end to grief, it is a journey you are always on.

I think the ocean shore is a good analogy for grief. Sometimes it is windswept with huge waves, sometimes nearly placid. But always, always there.


It brings to mind a favorite Frost poem, which evokes abiding love and the grief that is part of that:


The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to the ocean-
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition.

[Anonymous]

A couple weeks.

My dad had been diagnosed with Parkinsons 10 years before he passed. The last 3ish years before he passed he'd declined a lot. He died suddenly and unexpectedly and my mom and I got to the hospital 5 min after he died after I helped my mom make the decision not to do any interventions. Long story short he wouldn't have wanted to live with what they would have had to do to save his life.

Here's the thing. I'd already mourned the loss of my dad before he died. I was a daddy's girl growing up. But by the time he passed, he was not the dad I knew. The Parkinsons had already robbed him of so much. So I'd already mourned that. Also, as a nurse, I knew how much more Parkinsons could rob him of and I was thankful he had a quick passing and never got to the advanced Parkinsons stages I've seen.

I was 35.

[Anonymous]

My dad had a long illness (18 months) and by the time he died was greatly deteriorated and miserable. His quality of life had gotten so low and everything was very chaotic trying to care for his quickly changing needs. (He lived alone and his kids aren't nearby.) So the period leading up to his death was just stressful and emotional. I did more grieving in the last 6 months of his life than I probably did after. I would lay in bed and cry and I got panic attacks pretty regularly. Him dying was a relief. For him and us.

I still think about him often and I get a pang of sadness for sure. But me personally I've had nothing as intense as the process of him dying.

[Anonymous]

My mom died 8 1/2 years ago from lung cancer. I was 51 and she was 81. I still grieve her - she was my best friend and even though I didn't physically live close to her, I talked to her on the phone all the time. I didn't physically see her very often, so I had no idea she was sick. She didn't tell me she had cancer until three months before she passed, so it was pretty sudden to me. The first year after her death was rough - crying all the time, not sleeping, eating too much. I do still occasionally burst out crying when I think about her. But I can also smile and laugh thinking about good times.

My dad had dementia and also did not live close to me (my parents were divorced and lived across the country in different states.) As his dementia worsened, I rarely spoke to him. It was too difficult to have any kind of phone conversation with him. I would visit about once a year. So I grieved his "loss" for several years before he actually passed. I would burst out crying every time I said "see you later" to him when I would visit because I never knew if it would be the last time. I was 55 and he was 95 when he passed, almost 5 years ago. I never really experienced the raw grief I did with my mom. I think mainly because he was suffering for so long.

[Anonymous]

My dad died right before Covid. We miss him terribly, probably "grieved" him for 2 years. He was an incredible man, father and grandfather. My mom finally started coming out of her fog about 9 months ago but she still has moments of sadness and loneliness. For my sister and me, we go through our phases where we tear up when we talk about him, less so for my brother but he's just a matter-of-fact kind of person.

[Anonymous]

My dad died 7 years ago. I saw a man on the street yesterday with his posture and mentally filled in Pop’s profile. It brought up a lot of feelings, thankfully one was joy. I miss him every day. The acute steal your breath grief became less overwhelmingly so after about 6 weeks then came in waves, spacing further out over time. Still knocks me down now and again. It gets gentler.