Why does my mom make it all about her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's kind enough to order a special present and bring it to your house. Sounds great.

Somehow I think that this person's mother can't win for losing. If she brings the present over, she's an energy vampire. If she doesn't, she'll be distant and uncaring.

Seriously, she sounds great.

+1

Here's hoping OP gets a handle on what's stressing herself out so much and gains some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does some variation of this at least once a year and I’d love to know WHY?

This year, for a Christmas, she got DS a specialty Harry Potter book (I knew, he didn’t), it was back ordered, but she told him “a surprise would be coming”, arriving in January. We were visiting, he opened in her presence many other nice gifts, and was excited for the surprise to arrive in January.

For over a week she’s been contacting me, asking when she can drop it off. I had assumed she would just have it delivered here, but no, of course not, she wants to watch him open it. Wants to know when she can drive over and watch him open it. I know this will turn into a long visit, and it’s been a crazy week so I’ve been putting her off. Now she’s mad and frantic and wants him to have the gift ASAP. I want to scream at her that if she hadn’t made the gift about HER, he would already be enjoying it.

Why does she do this?

Because she wants it to be a gift not an obligation of a gift. The relationship here is important. She's not Amazon,
she is his grandmother. Why are you making IT ALL ABOUT YOU!?

[Anonymous]

Team Grandma here, and already just want to give this poor woman a hug. What she has to deal with ....her daughter, such a B!+@#.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

No, this is not normal. “Love” is just sending a gift and knowing it will be enjoyed. Self-centeredness is holding a gift hostage until you can bear witness.

This. I have family members like this and I used to go along to get along. They make every gift into an ordeal whether it's dramatics over strings they never disclosed, the child not even excited enough, a thank you note not being enough or needing there to be grand gift giving with their own special day rather than at an event they are invited to. They still pulled this when my husband was very ill and could no longer cater to everyone. Everything was "me,me,me." That was when we finally decided ENOUGH. A gift is not supposed to drive us bonkers, especially when we had enough stress.When the 2 worst offenders continued to be annoying even with boundaries we made a major one NO GIFTS. They ignored it and still tried to make many demands, but I was too busy with managing Dr. appointments and emergencies to respond. Finally they stopped completely. So much better. They still periodically try to drag us in or drag our kids in and they can't stand the theatrics either so they have no problem saying they don't want anything. Some people can just give a gift, enjoy a "thank you" and let it go, other people use it to try to engage in some big ol dysfunctional dance of crazy.

So stop criticizing and posting stuff like this which just continues to feed into your obsession. They are old. SHOW SOME CHARITY! What is wrong with you? You will be there some day?

+1. the posters here have NO idea what it is like to age . . . . they just want to judge and criticize

Don't thing Grandma is elderly. Just stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey, Mom! I can bring Larlo over tomorrow at 11am to open his present. See you then.”

This isn’t that hard, OP. Stop being dramatic.

Exactly. 100%

[Anonymous]

Wow interesting that so many are defending OP's mother. I think people who aren't in these types of relationships with a parent don't get it. It's the cumulative effect of a lifetime of command performances that are completely on the parent's terms and if the parent's terms are not met and they are not properly adored (which is a bottomless pit), there is anger and manipulation and attention-seeking tactics.

A normal parent would say...I'd love to see you and Billy and give him his book. Is there a good time in the next couple of weeks? If not, I'll pop the book in the mail to you and let me know when I can see you all next.

And then stop. Wait. Listen. Respond to what comes next and don't bully your way into getting what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow interesting that so many are defending OP's mother. I think people who aren't in these types of relationships with a parent don't get it. It's the cumulative effect of a lifetime of command performances that are completely on the parent's terms and if the parent's terms are not met and they are not properly adored (which is a bottomless pit), there is anger and manipulation and attention-seeking tactics.

A normal parent would say...I'd love to see you and Billy and give him his book. Is there a good time in the next couple of weeks? If not, I'll pop the book in the mail to you and let me know when I can see you all next.

And then stop. Wait. Listen. Respond to what comes next and don't bully your way into getting what you want.

I think there are a lot of a board and difficult older ladies on her defending the mom's poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

bored not board...oops

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow interesting that so many are defending OP's mother. I think people who aren't in these types of relationships with a parent don't get it. It's the cumulative effect of a lifetime of command performances that are completely on the parent's terms and if the parent's terms are not met and they are not properly adored (which is a bottomless pit), there is anger and manipulation and attention-seeking tactics.

A normal parent would say...I'd love to see you and Billy and give him his book. Is there a good time in the next couple of weeks? If not, I'll pop the book in the mail to you and let me know when I can see you all next.

And then stop. Wait. Listen. Respond to what comes next and don't bully your way into getting what you want.

I think there are a lot of a board and difficult older ladies on her defending the mom's poor behavior.

I think a lot of people lack self-awareness and think this kind of thing is normal and when they are young they get away with it more. They're often matriarchs who dominate their family and have children who can't get away from them and don't know any better and a cowed spouse. Then one day their children are adults and they are over it and hence the OP posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

This. Gees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

It's normal to be mad and frantic about not being able to deliver a gift when you want and to ignore signals another person is busy and can't accept visitors at the moment?

It's not normal.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. She ordered a gift she knew would not be there on Christmas when everyone was together to open presents. Now she has the gist, instead of sending it directly to your son -which is what a person who wants the kid to have the gift would do — she is making it about her giving the gift. Which also may be fine, but she wants it to be now and is blaming the OP for it taking too long. When if she wanted her grandkid to have the book, she would have just sent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's kind enough to order a special present and bring it to your house. Sounds great.

Somehow I think that this person's mother can't win for losing. If she brings the present over, she's an energy vampire. If she doesn't, she'll be distant and uncaring.

Seriously, she sounds great.

+1

Here's hoping OP gets a handle on what's stressing herself out so much and gains some perspective.

OP’s mother is what is stressing her out. It’s not a mystery. Both the kid and the mother said it’s fine if the gift comes later. It was n big deal to them. Kid would be fine with it being delivered. Everyone needing to stop what their doing so attention addict mother gets her clap clap while kid opens it in front of her and then everyone celebrates her is really pathetic, pushy behavior. Let her fuss and stamp her feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. She ordered a gift she knew would not be there on Christmas when everyone was together to open presents. Now she has the gist, instead of sending it directly to your son -which is what a person who wants the kid to have the gift would do — she is making it about her giving the gift. Which also may be fine, but she wants it to be now and is blaming the OP for it taking too long. When if she wanted her grandkid to have the book, she would have just sent it.

This. Serious main character syndrome on Grandma’s part.

[Anonymous]

Here I thought grandma was a horrific narcissist, but she just wants to watch grandson open the present.

All grandma's want the same, to give gfits and "buy" grandkids love. Also ice cream, they buy ice cream, no doubt op doesn't allow kids any sugar. I think OP is the narc here, it is all about her.