Why does my mom make it all about her?

[Anonymous]

OP, and I say this with compassion and solidarity, you are just a crazy as she is because she raised you to be this way. To the outside world, her behavior appears mildy annoying and understandable.

If you can get perspective on her controlling behavior and realize that she cannot help herself AND identify how it is a longstanding pattern that sucks you in, it is very liberating and you can set boundaries and ignore her reaction as just something she cannot help.

I high suggest reading up on adult children of immature parents if you are not familiar with that work.

I see you and why this drives you nuts, do not repeat the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's kind enough to order a special present and bring it to your house. Sounds great.

Give me a break. I'm sure OP knows how to order on Amazon. It is much more of a gift to be kind, empathetic and understanding when it comes to people's time. If she wants to see her grandkids even more, just offer to have them come visit while OP and spouse go on a date. Win-win.

Wait, you mean it's okay for OP to be a "user"?? I thought that was the kiss of death on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

No, this is not normal. “Love” is just sending a gift and knowing it will be enjoyed. Self-centeredness is holding a gift hostage until you can bear witness.

This. I have family members like this and I used to go along to get along. They make every gift into an ordeal whether it's dramatics over strings they never disclosed, the child not even excited enough, a thank you note not being enough or needing there to be grand gift giving with their own special day rather than at an event they are invited to. They still pulled this when my husband was very ill and could no longer cater to everyone. Everything was "me,me,me." That was when we finally decided ENOUGH. A gift is not supposed to drive us bonkers, especially when we had enough stress.When the 2 worst offenders continued to be annoying even with boundaries we made a major one NO GIFTS. They ignored it and still tried to make many demands, but I was too busy with managing Dr. appointments and emergencies to respond. Finally they stopped completely. So much better. They still periodically try to drag us in or drag our kids in and they can't stand the theatrics either so they have no problem saying they don't want anything. Some people can just give a gift, enjoy a "thank you" and let it go, other people use it to try to engage in some big ol dysfunctional dance of crazy.

So stop criticizing and posting stuff like this which just continues to feed into your obsession. They are old. SHOW SOME CHARITY! What is wrong with you? You will be there some day?

+1 If you're enjoying being all alone during your time of trouble, you're the one with the "disorder."

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling there is a strong undercurrent of OP having a bad relationship with her mother here
And maybe it’s not even OPs fault!

[Anonymous]

Why are you fighting her on this? It will take two seconds to appease both your mom and your son.

[Anonymous]

OP I get where you are coming from, ignore the posters saying you should be grateful. There is nothing worse than a gift giver making it about them instead of the recipient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

No, this is not normal. “Love” is just sending a gift and knowing it will be enjoyed. Self-centeredness is holding a gift hostage until you can bear witness.

This. I have family members like this and I used to go along to get along. They make every gift into an ordeal whether it's dramatics over strings they never disclosed, the child not even excited enough, a thank you note not being enough or needing there to be grand gift giving with their own special day rather than at an event they are invited to. They still pulled this when my husband was very ill and could no longer cater to everyone. Everything was "me,me,me." That was when we finally decided ENOUGH. A gift is not supposed to drive us bonkers, especially when we had enough stress.When the 2 worst offenders continued to be annoying even with boundaries we made a major one NO GIFTS. They ignored it and still tried to make many demands, but I was too busy with managing Dr. appointments and emergencies to respond. Finally they stopped completely. So much better. They still periodically try to drag us in or drag our kids in and they can't stand the theatrics either so they have no problem saying they don't want anything. Some people can just give a gift, enjoy a "thank you" and let it go, other people use it to try to engage in some big ol dysfunctional dance of crazy.

So stop criticizing and posting stuff like this which just continues to feed into your obsession. They are old. SHOW SOME CHARITY! What is wrong with you? You will be there some day?

+1. the posters here have NO idea what it is like to age . . . . they just want to judge and criticize

I have an idea on what it is to age since that is my current status. The problem is the OP mom who is nagging about bringing a non-perishable item and as OP wrote, it will be a long visit. We've dropped off stuff asap as requested by adult DC's and spouse/partners. One drop off also included take out request which was quicker than delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to feel relevant. Give her a date and time. Do it for 10am tomorrow. Also schedule something else, like a play date or “practice” that you have to take ds to at 11:30am. Done.

This.

Clearly there are bigger things here, like a visit from your mom is a bigger issue or she expects to be catered to.

If by some chance not, and you are just totally overwhelmed (that is, you wouldn't want a visit from your best friend right now, either), take a moment, breathe, and give her time in a week to come by of this sort - it's faster to just set it up so she stops bugging you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get where you are coming from, ignore the posters saying you should be grateful. There is nothing worse than a gift giver making it about them instead of the recipient.

Um, yes, there are a lot of things worse. That's the point many people are trying to make. Get over yourself, what the grandmother wants is not that big of a deal. Yes, there are WAY worse things. Or do you think all relationships are supposed to be perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- does your son's joy bring you joy? Is it joy to be a mother? You are her baby. Never forget that. And you give her very little attention now. In order to have someone to show love, she would like to love her grandson. Can't you let that happen. Don't you, at least now, understand a mother's love?

NP. This brought a tear to my eye.

OP, maybe you are stressed from the week and your mother is just hitting a nerve. Or maybe there’s some long history here we don’t know about. But I’m with the majority of posters who are saying you are off base and overreacting. A special gift is something most people naturally want to see a child open. PPs have given you the good idea of going to your mom’s house so you can control how long you’re there. Take a deep breath and get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because she loves him. Because it would bring her joy to see him open it. Because it’s normal if you live close for these little interactions to happen without them being a big deal.

This, for G8d's sake, OP, stop criticizing!

LOVE is not stressful. You can love your grandkid and not be a PITA about gift-giving.

The problem here is OP doesn’t love her mother, if she did such a simple request wouldn’t be so difficult.

And sadly OP is choosing to make this all about herself and her own misguided emotions.

[Anonymous]

OP - ignore the haters. I’m guessing your mother is generally selfish and this is one of many things she has done. If not and she’s usually wonderful, then that’s one thing. But if I’m right, then… Yes, it’s annoying for her to make everything be about her instead of actually showing compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- does your son's joy bring you joy? Is it joy to be a mother? You are her baby. Never forget that. And you give her very little attention now. In order to have someone to show love, she would like to love her grandson. Can't you let that happen. Don't you, at least now, understand a mother's love?

NP. This brought a tear to my eye.

OP, maybe you are stressed from the week and your mother is just hitting a nerve. Or maybe there’s some long history here we don’t know about. But I’m with the majority of posters who are saying you are off base and overreacting. A special gift is something most people naturally want to see a child open. PPs have given you the good idea of going to your mom’s house so you can control how long you’re there. Take a deep breath and get some perspective.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's kind enough to order a special present and bring it to your house. Sounds great.

Somehow I think that this person's mother can't win for losing. If she brings the present over, she's an energy vampire. If she doesn't, she'll be distant and uncaring.

Seriously, she sounds great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- does your son's joy bring you joy? Is it joy to be a mother? You are her baby. Never forget that. And you give her very little attention now. In order to have someone to show love, she would like to love her grandson. Can't you let that happen. Don't you, at least now, understand a mother's love?

NP. This brought a tear to my eye.

OP, maybe you are stressed from the week and your mother is just hitting a nerve. Or maybe there’s some long history here we don’t know about. But I’m with the majority of posters who are saying you are off base and overreacting. A special gift is something most people naturally want to see a child open. PPs have given you the good idea of going to your mom’s house so you can control how long you’re there. Take a deep breath and get some perspective.

Oh please. These posters are being manipulative trying to give OP a guilt trip. Get out the violins.Grandma needs to have a life outside all this so she isn't obsessing about how to get things her way and she needs to be empathetic toward OP's chaotic life. If you give a gift, you bring it to the party and then you let it go, otherwise you are being manipulative and people have a right to decline. It's not a gift if it comes with requirements. If you want to see your grandchildren more and you see your child is overwhelmed, you offer to do it in a way that makes life EASIER. Give OP a break.