How to handle my cousin asking me to host her 13yo for part of the summer?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, dont do it, OP. These requests will never end. I am Indian, though born here, and get these kind of requests from time to time. My father died in May, and for the first time I met a second cousin on his side. She grew up in India and has a top job at… Google in the Bay Area! Anyway, we’re meeting for the first time, and she mentions that there was resentment in her family that my dad did not bring her father over to the US decades ago. Mind you, my father had 3 siblings, none of whom ever won the visa lottery. And he had 12 cousin “brothers and sisters.” Her dad was a cousin brother… i just couldnt believe she brought it up to me after my dad died.
Meanwhile, I have helped nonrelatives who truly needed a hand up to settle here as they came to this country, but they were admitted to university here and earned their visas. They were also extremely grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, dont do it, OP. These requests will never end. I am Indian, though born here, and get these kind of requests from time to time. My father died in May, and for the first time I met a second cousin on his side. She grew up in India and has a top job at… Google in the Bay Area! Anyway, we’re meeting for the first time, and she mentions that there was resentment in her family that my dad did not bring her father over to the US decades ago. Mind you, my father had 3 siblings, none of whom ever won the visa lottery. And he had 12 cousin “brothers and sisters.” Her dad was a cousin brother… i just couldnt believe she brought it up to me after my dad died.
Meanwhile, I have helped nonrelatives who truly needed a hand up to settle here as they came to this country, but they were admitted to university here and earned their visas. They were also extremely grateful.

+1 I think a lot of these responses are framed around being an American with 1 or 2 siblings that produced 3 or 4 cousins. Not the dozens and dozens of cousins that some foreign families have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a post here months ago where some foreign cousin wanted to send their kids to the US, leave them with family, and have them attend public school. Maybe that is the grand plan.

Since you already know what this is about, email her back and say "Hi! Haven't heard from you in so long! Hope all is well. Is this regarding Larlo staying here? My mom mentioned that to me. I think she already explained it to you, but that is not possible with our schedules. I hope we can catch up soon, and maybe you guys will come visit this year."

This is the approach I would take. I would not be interested in having a phone conversation. Email and bio it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Say no.

Or say “no, maybe when he is older I don’t do tweens”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suck it up and host the kid for a little while. It would mean so much for your cousin's kid. Moreover, think of the benefit to your kids if she could return the favor. That would be an amazing cultural opportunity for them.

+1

I’d consider it- despite the inconvenience- if I thought cousin might return the favor for my DCs. Could be nice and a good experience, and never know when my own DC might interested in the reverse. However, I’d insist on the kid having some planned activities while all are at work and would really look hard to find. Ideally when my teens could drive him, as surely they aren’t working all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say no.

Or say “no, maybe when he is older I don’t do tweens”

No: she never wants to do it so she shouldn’t leave the door open to do it. “We are very busy and I just don’t have the capacity to put your son in the mix. Here’s some ways my kids worked on their English you could try: ____.” And leave it there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

+1. I think iou should do this but perhaps limit the visit to 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I would agree if he attends a summer school (language school) with a very strict timetable and a leisure program supervised by the school. If not: No

[Anonymous]

Reply to the email saying something like this, “hi cousin! It’s great to hear from you. How have you been? How is Ds? My parents mentioned that you were hoping to send DS for a visit but unfortunately that won’t work for us. Have you looked into X exchange program?”

Talk soon!

[Anonymous]

“We won’t be able to host X.”

[Anonymous]

I’d say yes personally, my kid is 11 but I think it would be cool for her to spend a few weeks with family in another country. ( I’m from another country) I would totally host family in a situation like this but I’d be clear about limitations.

If you are a hard no, then just put it back in your email like PPs have suggested.

[Anonymous]

So many on DCUM complain about the lack of connection with their families, and then, this. We would do it in a heartbeat. We have great ties/connections with our family, and help/support each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many on DCUM complain about the lack of connection with their families, and then, this. We would do it in a heartbeat. We have great ties/connections with our family, and help/support each other.

I am an introvert and having people over for more than three days is draining for me. I also would never ask people to stay with them, other than my own parents who want us to, have all the time in the world and a spacious house. I don't think asking someone to do something out of their comfort zone and not taking no for an answer is ever okay, or indicative of good family ties. I also would not feel comfortable hosting a kid that age for weeks when I am not even available to provide a good time and supervision.

[Anonymous]

OP - you just have to say, "no"
It's not complicated