How to handle my cousin asking me to host her 13yo for part of the summer?

[Anonymous]

I would agree to host cousin for 2 weeks. Why not? It’s family and your kids are still young enough to learn and appreciate having family over.
I am also an expat (from Europe) and I would totally host my niece when she is a little older. It’s enriching for our “American” kids to get to know family, language, costumes, culture, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what family does. Think of the message this sends your kids if you don't offer to host. Think of what it means to you if you aren't generous and you need help from that part of your family in the future.

We have cousins stay with us probably once a year and I almost always dread it but when they actually arrive, it's a good time. The kids bond, you go out and sightsee in your own city, you model social connections, etc.

Unless you have an actual crisis on your hand this is a thing you should probably try to make happen.

This was true for us in late elementary and middle school. My niece always came to stay and it was great. Now that my DCs are older and we're cramming in long, 'just us' vacations, plus the usual extended family vacations, there's not any time. It's a weird phase of trying to maintain the same vacations with grandparents and make our own memories before college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

This. Take the 13 year old on your travels. Your sophomore and junior are both going to be working while you and your husband are traveling?

[Anonymous]

Host the 13 year old for 4-6 weeks. It will be enriching for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Host the 13 year old for 4-6 weeks. It will be enriching for all.

We will all be working the whole time. Dh and I are using vacation time to go visit my family already, and my kids have summer jobs. I don't see how it would be enriching because he would just sit at home all day alone.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what they expect the 13yo to do all day if the whole family is working. Unless you live in a very safe and walkable area (with realistic things nearby he could do), you have extended family help or there are organized programs he would attend- what do they expect you to do with him all day? In the typical suburban setting- and not having friends or knowing anyone, he’d just end up sitting on his phone all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

This. Take the 13 year old on your travels. Your sophomore and junior are both going to be working while you and your husband are traveling?

No: the four of us are going to my home country for two weeks (where my cousin also lives). Then we are all working the rest of the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand what they expect the 13yo to do all day if the whole family is working. Unless you live in a very safe and walkable area (with realistic things nearby he could do), you have extended family help or there are organized programs he would attend- what do they expect you to do with him all day? In the typical suburban setting- and not having friends or knowing anyone, he’d just end up sitting on his phone all day.

It is a suburban setting. I don't think they are grasping that at all, and he is expecting a big city vacation. He is too young to do anything on his own in a foreign country not speaking the language, too young to drive, and we won't be around.

[Anonymous]

All these people pressuring you to agree are insane. If your cousin had kept in contact or you had a super close relationship, then it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. Or if you were a stay at home mom with similar aged kids, then you could easily work him into the routine. This kid is a stranger to you, it would not be good for him to sit at home alone all day! It doesn’t sound like there’s much to lose in the way of a relationship with his parents either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Host the 13 year old for 4-6 weeks. It will be enriching for all.

We will all be working the whole time. Dh and I are using vacation time to go visit my family already, and my kids have summer jobs. I don't see how it would be enriching because he would just sit at home all day alone.

OP, stop arguing with posters. You’ve made up your mind. You don’t need anyone’s blessing. Use the language provided earlier and email the cousin tonight. Then get off DCUM and away from this thread.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to, were never close to this cousin, don’t really know the kid, and this isn’t something that your family’s culture would find extremely offense to refuse then I don’t think there’s any reason to accept taking this on. And there’s no reason to feel bad to not want to.

[Anonymous]

The way you handle this is by NOT GIVING REASONS WHY YOU"RE SAYING NO. You just keep repeating "Sorry, we can't host Jacob." "Unfortunately, that doesn't work for us." And you just keep saying those two over and over until she stops. Never give a reason why. If she asks, "Why?" The answer is that unfortunately that doesn't work for you.

If you give reasons why, then she'll counter them. That's where people get stuck. When I'm close with someone, and I know they respect me and my boundaries, THEN I will tell them why I'm saying no. But if we're not close, or there's any history of them pushing, I give zero reasons, and zero f**ks. Works every time.

[Anonymous]

I’d say no, but consider inviting your cousin to visit in a few years WITH her kid. Plan another round of guests (perhaps a weekend with your college besties), so your guest room is busy a week after she leaves. If even that’s too much, then just say no.

[Anonymous]

I would suck it up and host the kid for a little while. It would mean so much for your cousin's kid. Moreover, think of the benefit to your kids if she could return the favor. That would be an amazing cultural opportunity for them.

[Anonymous]

I learned a great lesson from dcum. You don’t have to give reasons or explain yourself.

Be direct and assertive. You can’t host. If they keep asking, you can say it doesn’t work with your family plans. Worse case scenario- they give lots of pressure and won’t let it go. Quickly say you need to go and hang up.

I have a 13 yo. I would not host another for an extended time, family or not family.