How to handle my cousin asking me to host her 13yo for part of the summer?

[Anonymous]

No, you are not horrible. It is a lot. I had my nephew for a summer, it turned out well but I was so stressed out. Never mind the extra physical work. I was surprised at my low grade paranoia about him getting into an accident, getting lost while out of the house.. Or the extra communications stemming from 2 households with different expectations. I would not do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an expat, and my cousin (we are not close) told my parents she wants to send her 13yo DS to us for part of the summer so he can work on his English. My parents hinted it might be tough as DH and I work full time, our kids (sophomore and junior) will likely work too, and we also have travel plans for some of the summer. She did not get the hint, and instead of emailing me to ask me if he could stay with us as I thought she might, she wrote to me just alluding to "needing to ask me a quick question on the phone" in the first email I got from her in years. I feel like she will try to pressure me if we talk, tell me he wouldn't mind just being home during the day, or other sorts of reasons why a visit could still work, and I will have trouble formulating a clear response on the spot for fear of sounding rude...The truth is I just do not want the stress and responsibility of hosting him at all. Am I horrible for not wanting to host him? How would you handle the situation?

Why can't people just say what you want? No, I'm sorry that's not going to work for us. We are very busy this summer and will not be able to host anyone. If she complains, just keep saying no.
The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk, I would at least hear her out. Either in email or phone. But if it is a phone call don’t commit. Have a scripted answer like “let me discuss with DH and let you know”. And then formulate a response. You never know, your parents could have misunderstood.

+1. Also, “part of the summer” is vague. Maybe your cousin means could you host him for a week or two. That is not the same as the entire summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a post here months ago where some foreign cousin wanted to send their kids to the US, leave them with family, and have them attend public school. Maybe that is the grand plan.

Since you already know what this is about, email her back and say "Hi! Haven't heard from you in so long! Hope all is well. Is this regarding Larlo staying here? My mom mentioned that to me. I think she already explained it to you, but that is not possible with our schedules. I hope we can catch up soon, and maybe you guys will come visit this year."

This is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an expat, and my cousin (we are not close) told my parents she wants to send her 13yo DS to us for part of the summer so he can work on his English. My parents hinted it might be tough as DH and I work full time, our kids (sophomore and junior) will likely work too, and we also have travel plans for some of the summer. She did not get the hint, and instead of emailing me to ask me if he could stay with us as I thought she might, she wrote to me just alluding to "needing to ask me a quick question on the phone" in the first email I got from her in years. I feel like she will try to pressure me if we talk, tell me he wouldn't mind just being home during the day, or other sorts of reasons why a visit could still work, and I will have trouble formulating a clear response on the spot for fear of sounding rude...The truth is I just do not want the stress and responsibility of hosting him at all. Am I horrible for not wanting to host him? How would you handle the situation?

Why can't people just say what you want? No, I'm sorry that's not going to work for us. We are very busy this summer and will not be able to host anyone. If she complains, just keep saying no.
The end.

This. Seriously, if she asks you tell her you cannot host her son for the summer. No hemming and hawing, no wiggle room, no wish washy excuses about your schedule, etc. A simple, firm no we cannot host him for the summer.

[Anonymous]

DH has a sib in Europe and we have hosted half the teens in their small town for the summer. Some went to stay with my family in other places around the US. Now, when we go back to visit, everyone hosts us.
Go with your gut. We always plays the limit of three weeks on the visitors.

[Anonymous]

This is what family does. Think of the message this sends your kids if you don't offer to host. Think of what it means to you if you aren't generous and you need help from that part of your family in the future.

We have cousins stay with us probably once a year and I almost always dread it but when they actually arrive, it's a good time. The kids bond, you go out and sightsee in your own city, you model social connections, etc.

Unless you have an actual crisis on your hand this is a thing you should probably try to make happen.

[Anonymous]

Have a family meeting before hand to discuss how it might work. Maybe your teens would be really excited about it and see the possible option of a trip for themselves in the future.

When you have the call - tell your cousin thanks for asking and that you need to discuss it with your family given that everyone will be impacted. You can not commit to anything right now.
Get as many specifics as reasonable from your cousin and state that you can not say yes right now.
I have family that will take sharing a plan as a YES. If this is your family, do not even engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a post here months ago where some foreign cousin wanted to send their kids to the US, leave them with family, and have them attend public school. Maybe that is the grand plan.

Since you already know what this is about, email her back and say "Hi! Haven't heard from you in so long! Hope all is well. Is this regarding Larlo staying here? My mom mentioned that to me. I think she already explained it to you, but that is not possible with our schedules. I hope we can catch up soon, and maybe you guys will come visit this year."

This is perfect. Send it now. Do not wait for a phone call. The key here is to be proactive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not say yes? This is part of what being an expat means. And this is family, rather than old college roommates or high school buds.

My parents are immigrants and we always had people staying with us when I was growing up. I hated it. It was always disruptive. I do not blame the op for saying it won’t work for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what family does. Think of the message this sends your kids if you don't offer to host. Think of what it means to you if you aren't generous and you need help from that part of your family in the future.

We have cousins stay with us probably once a year and I almost always dread it but when they actually arrive, it's a good time. The kids bond, you go out and sightsee in your own city, you model social connections, etc.

Unless you have an actual crisis on your hand this is a thing you should probably try to make happen.

OP made it clear that she doesn’t want to do this. She didn’t come here asking IF she should do it. She wants to know how to communicate with the cousin.

You and other posters that are shaming her for not taking in this kid that she doesn’t know are being ridiculous. Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it’s what OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she asks you, I would have a neutral response in mind. Something like "Oh wow, that would be so fun! Unfortunately that wont work this summer, but I'd love to see you guys. I've been thinking of planning a trip back, it's been so long! Is that old XYZ shop still open down the block?"

Basically say no, dont give an excuse as she will find a way around it, and change the subject.

If she brings it up again, you just rinse and repeat. "But why wont it work? He wont be any trouble" "I'm sure thats true, but we really cannot host your son for 3 months this summer. Lets change the topic, what have you been up to? Hows DH's work?"

Yep. If it's a no, then the last thing you want to do (with someone who would make an ask like this) is to give reasons. Reasons are handles to argue with you. reasons won't be convincing to her. She will just see them as cracks to hammer at.

It would be great if it would work. If it doesn't, then be clear and firm, and be nice -- but don't give reasons.

[Anonymous]

It is considered normal for expats to host family and friends, too. It also alleviates the expat issues, so the benefit goes both ways. Not sure why OP is objecting.

We have my parents stay with us for a month every year, and various relatives for a weekend to a few days, but they are adults or families. This is a 13yo I don't know, on his own, during the summer when I work and my kids won't be home much. To me it's very different and a huge imposition.

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame you. I’d be willing to host for a 1-2 week visit or to be a relative on call if he was going to sleep away camp in my state or something. Or maybe if he was in some planned/organized cultural program that would keep him busy. This doesn’t sound anything like those. He would be bored and this plan doesn’t seem in his best interest at all- what would he do, watch tv all day? The rest of the family would be working.

[Anonymous]

It's understandable not to want to leave a 13 year old unattended. Tell her in the US, that's frowned upon, and since you are working all summer, you cant do it.

(TBH I think it might be a good idea to try to make it work for two weeks or even a week. But that's not what you asked.)