why do so many people think all kids are easy / as easy as theirs?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

You also can't evaluate with that much exposure. I have a hard kid with mild ASD and a lot of challenges -- extreme picky eating (ARFID), a major phobia, and some ADHD tendencies. I love her but parenting her takes a ton of work.

But now and again I'll take her somewhere and she'll get absorbed in a book or activity and just be a dream for an hour and people will tell me how great and easy she is. I love it, those days are gifts and I'll take the win and bask vicariously in the compliments about her. But I also know the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

You also can't evaluate with that much exposure. I have a hard kid with mild ASD and a lot of challenges -- extreme picky eating (ARFID), a major phobia, and some ADHD tendencies. I love her but parenting her takes a ton of work.

But now and again I'll take her somewhere and she'll get absorbed in a book or activity and just be a dream for an hour and people will tell me how great and easy she is. I love it, those days are gifts and I'll take the win and bask vicariously in the compliments about her. But I also know the truth.

Agree. My child with ADHD could do that at 2. He can hyperfocus, but he still needs a lot of “stimulation” and repetition for behavioral challenges. People who casually know him might see his hyperfocus or inattentive moments and think he’s easy, but anyone who has ever cared for him (sitter, teachers, family) would never describe him as easy.

[Anonymous]

Said very well, OP! Could not agree more. I hate that parents think they understand what it's like to parent another child just because they have a kid that age.

One of my kids has SN and is in a SN school, where I have seen other kids do really outlandish things (saying totally inappropriate things, etc.). Their parents are the nicest people who I'm certain would never condone this or encourage it. It often comes from videos they have seen or other kids' behavior they have copied. I have learned very quickly not to assume or judge it has anything to do with the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

I have 2 kids and my firstborn takes much more time, effort, patience than our second- at least at the moment. I know plenty of parents with 2 who have one difficult child.

Yup, it was my first one who was crazy hard from the get-go. I couldn't believe it when the 2nd came along a few years later and the textbook advice actually worked with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former difficult child here—and my first is exactly like me. It helps that I know the things that are frustrating about parenting him are also the things that have made me a highly successful person. My easier siblings are doing fine, and we have good relationships with each other, but I’m the family success story in the end.

How do you parent differently than your parents did, given your experience as the difficult child? Very curious how you made the transition to the parent in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I mean this kindly - if you are that affected by people’s opinion of you, you need to stop engaging online. Online forums, especially anonymous ones, bring out the cranks and the quick-judgers. And if people IRL are making you feel like this, stop engaging with them too. Spend more time with the parents from your class, who will be supportive. If you truly think you are doing your best, then stop caring what other people think.

[Anonymous]

People never think their child is easy (unless they have multiples and a hard one is among them). People think they are superior parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People never think their child is easy (unless they have multiples and a hard one is among them). People think they are superior parents.

Some people do have better temperaments to be parents. Are more informed, are better able to hold a boundary, are more patient, etc. Some have more time, or more energy or both. Just as not all kids are the same, not all parents are and some are really really terrible. Some are abusive and some are just plain lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly - if you are that affected by people’s opinion of you, you need to stop engaging online./quote]

This isn’t an online issue - it’s an IRL issue. For example, it was my own parents who couldn’t understand (until years down the road) - because my sibling and I were easy kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People never think their child is easy (unless they have multiples and a hard one is among them). People think they are superior parents.

1000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

You and your beleaguered cohort are absolutely projecting based on very limited information. It’s right there in what you’ve written.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.

You and your beleaguered cohort are absolutely projecting based on very limited information. It’s right there in what you’ve written.

Ok fine - every child is equally hard / difficult to parent. If every parent would just apply 1-2-3 magic exactly as you do (or whatever you do) all the children would act exactly as yours does. There is no innate difference in energy levels, stubbornness, drive to please, self control, or over stimulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

Are you new here? There are SO many posts where people have done none of that and have no interest in doing it. Also, people post advice from their own viewpoint, which is likely all they know. Sorry you have a tough kid, but if you're going to get upset about the advice random internet people give on here...perhaps this isn't the place for you.

[Anonymous]

I think you truly don’t know unless you have experienced it. Perhaps some observant, empathetic people may be able to put themselves in other people’s shoes, but it’s hard because it really takes a lot of time to understand the personality and quirks of other people’s kids.

I had a coworker who complained that when she came back from maternity leave with her 4th she was exhausted because the baby didn’t sleep through the night. I commiserated because one of mine took 10 months and the other one didn’t sleep all night for over 2 years. She looked at me like I had 2 heads. She literally had No Idea that was possible. Her first 3 kids slept through the night by 8-10 weeks!

[Anonymous]

Some people get sheep kids, others get lions