why do so many people think all kids are easy / as easy as theirs?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

[Anonymous]

Former difficult child here—and my first is exactly like me. It helps that I know the things that are frustrating about parenting him are also the things that have made me a highly successful person. My easier siblings are doing fine, and we have good relationships with each other, but I’m the family success story in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former difficult child here—and my first is exactly like me. It helps that I know the things that are frustrating about parenting him are also the things that have made me a highly successful person. My easier siblings are doing fine, and we have good relationships with each other, but I’m the family success story in the end.

Yeah, the relationships must be amazing.

[Anonymous]

Parenting coach here - all of the above is true!

It’s so exhausting parenting a strong willed child, or a neurodiverse child, that it can be hard to maintain some of the strategies that work well.

And also there are things that make it worse, and it’s almost impossible to be objective and see that in your own parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

I have 2 kids and my firstborn takes much more time, effort, patience than our second- at least at the moment. I know plenty of parents with 2 who have one difficult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I put no effort into my parenting and DC is easy.
Since you put effort into the easy kid and probably a lot more into the other ones, I expect the similar result.
DC eats, goes to school, showers, sleeps, plays games and spends time with friends. Where do I even fit it? What is there to parent?

Right, but some of us put a lot of effort in and some of those things (like showering, having friends, going to school, eating when hungry) are genuinely hard for our kids.

Not all kids are easy. That's OP's point. Your kid is easy. My kid is not. But if I come on DCUM and say "I'm really struggling because my kid only eats 10 foods" or "my child sometimes just cannot fall asleep and there is no clear reason why," often the comments will be full of people like you who are like "it's not hard, just feed your kid and put them to bed." And it's annoying because, duh, obviously I tried that first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

[Anonymous]

I feel this deeply. I have had to distance myself from some friends with only easy children because it is so frustrating to see them be unknowingly smug about their parenting. And also so unbelievably clueless about how much energy DH and I spend on our difficult kid. Its especially bad because we only have 1 so the assumption is that life is easier. I have a friend with 2 perfect kids and I just cant be as close to her as we were pre kids because she doesn't understand what im going through. It is somewhat freeing to realize that its fruitless to compare yourself, but I still crave empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this deeply. I have had to distance myself from some friends with only easy children because it is so frustrating to see them be unknowingly smug about their parenting. And also so unbelievably clueless about how much energy DH and I spend on our difficult kid. Its especially bad because we only have 1 so the assumption is that life is easier. I have a friend with 2 perfect kids and I just cant be as close to her as we were pre kids because she doesn't understand what im going through. It is somewhat freeing to realize that its fruitless to compare yourself, but I still crave empathy.

Totally relate to this. Honestly now that I have a second child it's so freeing. My second baby had terrible reflux but was still so, so much easier than our first (and still is) and it was sad how much relief I felt. Of course people who have never experienced it say things about how much more relaxed you are /know what you're doing more with second children so they SEEM easier. Uh, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I mean, I agree they are working hard at it. But it is kind of like parents listening to people in their 20s complaining about how busy life is. Life only gets crazier and you are forced to increase your capacity. Doesn't mean objectively everyone or every parent is dealing with the same level of stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

Both can be true. There are difficult kids. There are also super lazy and/or indulgent parents. I’m a teacher - the amount of problem kids cannot be explained by SN/difficult kids alone.

Yes of course there are lazy parents. My point is that a parenting posting on here "I'm struggling with xyz behavior, i've tried A and b and c and am still struggling" is likely NOT a lazy parent and someone saying "you're an awful lazy parent who is ruining their child" is either a trollish answer or someone that has no perspective on how different kids can be

I get you OP. I have one easy and one very hard. To the poster above - hard kid gets way more attention because he is hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

Yes. Agree. But it is like those us with hard kids are starting from way behind and we work harder just break even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Actually, I think the point is that not all parents have to give equal effort. Compliant/easy children are very forgiving in terms of parenting styles and techniques. Most will work decently with these kids. The more difficult kids are extremely unforgiving of different parenting techniques. Parents have to find the exact right one and be disciplined enough to be consistent 100% of the time. It is just not the same level of effort.

This. The problem on DCUM is that people with easy kids who don't have to work very hard at it will respond to threads posted by parents who are genuinely struggling and who want feedback and advice, who know that what they are doing isn't working and would like a gut check or a different perspective.

But too often the offered perspective is "just do X" because that's what people with easy kids do and it works, and they don't understand that the OP in those threads not only has already tried that, but also probably 6 other things, and consulted their pediatrician and talked to the teacher and read three books on the subject.

Some kids are just hard.

Who are these people? Pretty much every parent I know is working their a** off, even those with so-called “easy” kids. Parents of good, well behaved kids are probably working quite hard at it.

I was at my oldest’s soccer practice the other day and a mom sat next to me with her 2 and 4 year old calmly doing sticker books on a blanket the entire hour! Just sitting there happily! If I’d had my 2 and 4yo there it would have been hard work the whole time trying to keep them off the field, occupied with anything for more than 3 minutes etc etc. No amount of planning, good parenting, preparation, reward charts etc would make my kids do what those kids did.

I’m sure that parent is working hard in lots of ways, there’s endless things to worry about when parenting, but there are easy kids out there and I don’t have them.

I think often people who have sticker book children are oblivious to those of us whose children need significantly more activity/stimulation/less sleep than theirs.