why do so many people think all kids are easy / as easy as theirs?!

[Anonymous]

So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

Both can be true. There are difficult kids. There are also super lazy and/or indulgent parents. I’m a teacher - the amount of problem kids cannot be explained by SN/difficult kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

No

[Anonymous]

Because I put no effort into my parenting and DC is easy.
Since you put effort into the easy kid and probably a lot more into the other ones, I expect the similar result.
DC eats, goes to school, showers, sleeps, plays games and spends time with friends. Where do I even fit it? What is there to parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

Both can be true. There are difficult kids. There are also super lazy and/or indulgent parents. I’m a teacher - the amount of problem kids cannot be explained by SN/difficult kids alone.

Yes of course there are lazy parents. My point is that a parenting posting on here "I'm struggling with xyz behavior, i've tried A and b and c and am still struggling" is likely NOT a lazy parent and someone saying "you're an awful lazy parent who is ruining their child" is either a trollish answer or someone that has no perspective on how different kids can be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of the responses on here act like just the parents / parenting are the problem. If only the parent was better at parenting, the kid would always do as told / behave appropriately / listen / comply / have manners etc etc

I have 3 kids - one is super easy - all the basic parenting tools work like a charm. One is medium - requires me to put more work into holding consistent boundaries and discipline, requires some picking battles b/c i can't focus on all behavior at once, but in general if I put in the work, I get good returns. And one is just super difficult to parent. I've done in person parenting classes, read the books, talked to therapists, done the Dr. Becky etc parenting forums...and we've made good progress but he is still substantially less well behaved than my other two. The parenting class I did called him (and all the kids like him whose parents were also in the class) strong willed kids - ones who are often very smart so they're on alert for being manipulated, very motivated to try to control their world, very strategic thinkers etc (this fits my kid to a T and was the description used by the class teachers - not just my preening over my child). For the most part, they're neurotypical (many of us had done neuropsych evals bc parenting these kids takes so much work), they're just a certain personality and that personality may serve them very well in the future but is not docile and compliant now.

This is just a rant and perhaps PSA I guess, when you have a knee jerk reaction on here to a parents Q that they're just a bad or lazy parent, that they have no spine, that they need to learn some basic tools - trust that if they're bothering to post on here they are likely a parent who is trying very hard, using all the tools you've had to use for your easier child and then some, putting tremendous work into behavior charts and antecedent planning and when/then parenting and consequences and everything else. There is nothing "wrong" with these kids or these parents, they're just kids that take a lot more work and energy and creativity and thought partnership to raise. It is no more to my credit that one of my kids is so easy and compliant than it is to my fault that one is much more difficult.

Both can be true. There are difficult kids. There are also super lazy and/or indulgent parents. I’m a teacher - the amount of problem kids cannot be explained by SN/difficult kids alone.

This, and the idea that if they make a post on DCUM, they must be trying? Hardly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

No, it’s that parents of 3 of more kids understand that you can parent a group of kids the same way and the results still be highly variable.

[Anonymous]

We didn’t know my teen daughter had anxiety and ADHD until she was in high school. Looking back, it’s hard to understand how we missed all the signs, but apparently this isn’t unusual for females who are underdiagnosed. Once she was medicated, things became SO much easier in terms of her emotional reactivity, responses to requests for things she didn’t want to do, etc. All the classic difficulties of ADHD. I now understand why her dad and I struggled the way we did parenting her - even when she was a baby, it was a struggle. It’s kind of frustrating because both DH’s parents and mine couldn’t understand why we couldn’t “control” our child but we learned over time that she was not neurotypical and it was always a losing game to try…I wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself as a new mom blaming myself.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear you. I had a friend with a super easy newborn, and she was always telling new parents with kids who weren't sleeping well, "Oh, just put them down when they're drowsy!" It drove me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

No, it’s that parents of 3 of more kids understand that you can parent a group of kids the same way and the results still be highly variable.

This is sooooo true. When I just had one, I credited my parenting wisdom with everything good about him. I'd solved the trick to getting a kid to sleep well, to eliminating picky eating, to avoiding tantrums. Adn then I had my second and.....oh. All kids have their easier and harder parts and phases, it is not magical parenting wisdom that made your kid have the easy parts they have. We can wreck kids and we can improve them on the margins - but its 95% just the way they're born (abuse and major trauma excluded)

[Anonymous]

I was shocked to find out how difficult parenting is for some people. It was a slow realization. In all honesty, I think some people lean into complaining, but also some genuinely had harder times than I did. At every stage my kids and I sail through and I'm always surprised that everyone else isn't right there with us.

Like, we had a great holiday season - one kid got a little upset once and was fine in three minutes - DH and I enjoyed hosting, being hosted, our kids shared well, ate new foods, played with lots of different kids, it was wonderful! And this morning the venting started in my friend group which made me wonder why everyone else is having such a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

No, it’s that parents of 3 of more kids understand that you can parent a group of kids the same way and the results still be highly variable.

I have kids with uncommon special needs. Ime, parents with more kids, even parents with 4 or 5, and people with lots of experience like nannies and teachers are more likely to *say* this, but are just as likely as parents of one to understand or not understand.

[Anonymous]

Kids are individuals, people forget that. Don't worry, the worm turns when kids become teens.

The most important thing you can do is to provide freedom within structure and never openly compare your children against each other. "Why can't you be more like your sibling?" Don't say it out loud, don't telegraph it. It is the most damaging message a parent can send their child. You must be Switzerland in that sense.

Your job is to help each of your kids get into their own track and find what they're good at in life. They won't be good at the same things, they won't have the same interests, they won't have the same personality. And that's GREAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are individuals, people forget that. Don't worry, the worm turns when kids become teens.

Or vice versa, spirited/challenging kids can calm down as teens (less common, admittedly, but it can happen).