Adult children, how far away from parents is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

It's not dysfunctional to keep distance when people who want to enmesh you are grossly dysfunctional. That's crazy. Choosing distance is the functional part of growing up in those households.

Or are you blaming people for being born into families they had (and have) no control over? That's pretty sick.

I’m not blaming anybody for anything. But cmon - you can’t say that you want to live away from the dysfunctional “people” in your family then claim in the same sentence that your family isn’t dysfunctional.

NP - who is making that claim? Those of us who escaped the dysfunction *know* our families of origin are dysfunctional. That's why we moved away. That does not make us, as adults, dysfunctional - just the opposite, as PP notes.

Yes, the family in which I grew up was deeply dysfunctional. No, my current nuclear family (DH and three kids) is not dysfunctional, in large part because DH and I set firm boundaries with our dysfunctional extended family. If you won't understand that, that's your choice.

[Anonymous]

I wish we lived in the same town! My parents are about 7 hours away. They aren't even the most helpful but just not having to stay in each other's houses for holidays sounds so nice. I would love to have them be able to pop by for the recital/grandparents day at school. Or grab the kids from the bus stop on that random day where I get stuck in traffic and DH cant get there either. Raising kids with no local help is hard!

[Anonymous]

Asian here and I have seven brothers and sisters. We all live within 15 minutes from our parents. Our parents live in McLean and five of us live in Langley and the other two live in great falls. We come by to see our parents every weekend. It is a privilege for all of us to live so close to our parents. It is a cultural thing I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

I think much of this can depend upon where the parents choose to raise their kids. Both my and my wife's parents are actually from the greatest generation and it feels like they moved to where the job was located...qualify of life or their own personal preferences be damned. Our childhoods were fine, but pretty darn un-exciting and we both went to college and never looked back.

Well, these are places where nobody ever visits voluntarily because they basically stink. We get along perfectly fine with the parents, but literally will never again step foot in the places they reside once they move onto a higher calling. There was no way we would live within a 20 minute drive, or even a 90 minute drive...because these are not dynamic, growing places (and you read about these places and others lamenting the brain drain).

We visit once or twice per year...though we do our best to also get together for a week per year at a vacation destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

I think much of this can depend upon where the parents choose to raise their kids. Both my and my wife's parents are actually from the greatest generation and it feels like they moved to where the job was located...qualify of life or their own personal preferences be damned. Our childhoods were fine, but pretty darn un-exciting and we both went to college and never looked back.

Well, these are places where nobody ever visits voluntarily because they basically stink. We get along perfectly fine with the parents, but literally will never again step foot in the places they reside once they move onto a higher calling. There was no way we would live within a 20 minute drive, or even a 90 minute drive...because these are not dynamic, growing places (and you read about these places and others lamenting the brain drain).

We visit once or twice per year...though we do our best to also get together for a week per year at a vacation destination.

Both DH and I are from remote, small towns and we don't live very close to either set of parents because it would be incredibly limiting in so many ways. I think when you choose to settle in a remote, unpopulated area, you should anticipate that at least some of your kids will move far away for career opportunity or just life opportunities.

[Anonymous]

We live and hour away and I wish we were closer. My sister lives in the same town as them and I envy the relationship her kids have with my parents because they see them pretty often.

[Anonymous]

I wish I lived next door to my mom! I’m about an hour away right now.

I wish my in laws were a 12 hour plane ride away so that we didn’t have to see them. They are a 2 hour plane ride away and that’s just not far enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I lived next door to my mom! I’m about an hour away right now.

I wish my in laws were a 12 hour plane ride away so that we didn’t have to see them. They are a 2 hour plane ride away and that’s just not far enough.

Ask your spouse to answer...probably a different response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian here and I have seven brothers and sisters. We all live within 15 minutes from our parents. Our parents live in McLean and five of us live in Langley and the other two live in great falls. We come by to see our parents every weekend. It is a privilege for all of us to live so close to our parents. It is a cultural thing I think.

I have seen many houses with various Asian family members under the same roof and many cars parked. The neighbors don't like it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian here and I have seven brothers and sisters. We all live within 15 minutes from our parents. Our parents live in McLean and five of us live in Langley and the other two live in great falls. We come by to see our parents every weekend. It is a privilege for all of us to live so close to our parents. It is a cultural thing I think.

I have seen many houses with various Asian family members under the same roof and many cars parked. The neighbors don't like it so much.

Why do the neighbors care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian here and I have seven brothers and sisters. We all live within 15 minutes from our parents. Our parents live in McLean and five of us live in Langley and the other two live in great falls. We come by to see our parents every weekend. It is a privilege for all of us to live so close to our parents. It is a cultural thing I think.

I have seen many houses with various Asian family members under the same roof and many cars parked. The neighbors don't like it so much.

Why do the neighbors care?

It looks trashy anywhere not just in Mclean. Too many cars, too many people living in a house. Most counties have limits on too many unrelated people living in one house because it brings down the neighborhood and overloads the schools. It's the same impact - related or not related. That's why neighbors don't like it.

[Anonymous]

If you’re choosing to live away from your parents and family because of job opportunities, etc but wish it didn’t have to be that way, that’s normal. If you’re choosing to live away from them because you don’t want to be close to family, that means you have a dysfunctional family. There’s no middle ground.

[Anonymous]

It's more about healthy boundaries than proximity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re choosing to live away from your parents and family because of job opportunities, etc but wish it didn’t have to be that way, that’s normal. If you’re choosing to live away from them because you don’t want to be close to family, that means you have a dysfunctional family. There’s no middle ground.

I mean, your black and white thinking is dysfunctional, but I'm guessing you will reject that.

Something you don't seem to understand is that sometimes living further away from family can make your relationships more functional. A lot of families struggle with the transition from having minor kids who are dependent on parents, to having adult kids who are independent and may even have dependents of their own. For families that struggle with this, some distance can actually help to avoid a situation where either the parents or the adult children (or sometimes both) try to retain the same dependencies as existed when the children were actually children. Sometimes parents don't know how to move into more of an emotional support and advisory role, and insist on maintaining control over their children's adult lives. Sometimes the adult kids fear independence and try to retain financial or emotional reliance on their parents when they need to develop more independence. Moving to another city or state can force both parties to acknowledge the change in status since childhood, and it can prompt functional relationships.

Sometimes people also move away because they see dysfunctional patterns emerging between other family members, and they want to distance from those dynamics. For instance a parent who is an addict and one who enables the addiction. Or a sibling who is enmeshed with parents in a way that can impact everyone else's relationships. In these situations, moving physically further away can enable you to maintain an emotional relationship with the family members without getting drawn into their dysfunction. it can also be a way to protect your own family unit from being impacted by that dysfunction. So while the reason for the move is dysfunction, the person making the move is often making a functional, healthy choice.

So yes, actually there is a middle ground. A family might be dysfunctional but the choice to live further a way might promote great function and harmony. It might also enable the creation of a functional family unit when the adult child has their own children, as they will need to create new patterns in their relationships and it may be easier to do this away from the dysfunctional patterns of their family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re choosing to live away from your parents and family because of job opportunities, etc but wish it didn’t have to be that way, that’s normal. If you’re choosing to live away from them because you don’t want to be close to family, that means you have a dysfunctional family. There’s no middle ground.

I mean, your black and white thinking is dysfunctional, but I'm guessing you will reject that.

Something you don't seem to understand is that sometimes living further away from family can make your relationships more functional. A lot of families struggle with the transition from having minor kids who are dependent on parents, to having adult kids who are independent and may even have dependents of their own. For families that struggle with this, some distance can actually help to avoid a situation where either the parents or the adult children (or sometimes both) try to retain the same dependencies as existed when the children were actually children. Sometimes parents don't know how to move into more of an emotional support and advisory role, and insist on maintaining control over their children's adult lives. Sometimes the adult kids fear independence and try to retain financial or emotional reliance on their parents when they need to develop more independence. Moving to another city or state can force both parties to acknowledge the change in status since childhood, and it can prompt functional relationships.

Sometimes people also move away because they see dysfunctional patterns emerging between other family members, and they want to distance from those dynamics. For instance a parent who is an addict and one who enables the addiction. Or a sibling who is enmeshed with parents in a way that can impact everyone else's relationships. In these situations, moving physically further away can enable you to maintain an emotional relationship with the family members without getting drawn into their dysfunction. it can also be a way to protect your own family unit from being impacted by that dysfunction. So while the reason for the move is dysfunction, the person making the move is often making a functional, healthy choice.

So yes, actually there is a middle ground. A family might be dysfunctional but the choice to live further a way might promote great function and harmony. It might also enable the creation of a functional family unit when the adult child has their own children, as they will need to create new patterns in their relationships and it may be easier to do this away from the dysfunctional patterns of their family of origin.

Nope. If all of that thinking and analysis has to go into the decision to move away from your family, it means that your family is dysfunctional. It shouldn’t have to be so complicated.