Adult children, how far away from parents is enough?

[Anonymous]

How far away do you want to live from your parents?

[Anonymous]

This is really going to depend on the parents.

My parents, god love them, do not and never will understand basic boundaries. They are also emotionally immature and prone to manipulation and bullying if they don't get what they want. So for them, I have to live at a minimum, a 3+ hour flight away. It preserves our relationship and is why we are somewhat functional. My sibling who lives a mile from them no longer speaks to them, my siblings who live a 1-2 hour drive are on speaking terms but fight constantly. I have zero problems with my parents, and it's because we have to get on a plane (or drive for multiple days) to see each other.

Meanwhile, we currently live about 5 hours from my ILs and that was okay for a time, but with MIL approaching 80, we're looking to move closer, within a could hours.

[Anonymous]

3.5 + hours away

[Anonymous]

"This is really going to depend on the parents."

This. OP, what is the point of such a vague question.

Pretty sure I could live 30 minutes from my dad and stepmom and it would be fine.

I live a 5 hour drive from my mom, which is fine because she has debilitating anxiety and hasn't traveled more than 90 minutes since 2020. If she were able to travel, I'd have to be like PP and live across the country.

[Anonymous]

Walking distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walking distance.

+1 Half the year my parents live nearby and it’s wonderful. They don’t impose but they are almost always available. My kids adore them and love to stay overnight with them. My husband loves them too which tells you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really going to depend on the parents.

My parents, god love them, do not and never will understand basic boundaries. They are also emotionally immature and prone to manipulation and bullying if they don't get what they want. So for them, I have to live at a minimum, a 3+ hour flight away. It preserves our relationship and is why we are somewhat functional. My sibling who lives a mile from them no longer speaks to them, my siblings who live a 1-2 hour drive are on speaking terms but fight constantly. I have zero problems with my parents, and it's because we have to get on a plane (or drive for multiple days) to see each other.

Meanwhile, we currently live about 5 hours from my ILs and that was okay for a time, but with MIL approaching 80, we're looking to move closer, within a could hours.

I have a hunch your parents are better people than you are.

[Anonymous]

We live 3 miles from my parents and it's perfect for us.

[Anonymous]

As long as you are not intertwined/codependent/enmeshed - all is good.

When you rely on each other so much, no matter why - that is not good or healthy.

[Anonymous]

I agree that generalities are not useful here. The one general bit of wisdom that I do agree with is that if you are a daughter (especially if you do not have children), and if there are sons, you should live at least 1 mile further away that your brother(s).

It is absolutely a matter of kindness, gratitude, and honor to take care of your parents as they age. If you are a woman and live closest, that will rarely be an honor shared with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really going to depend on the parents.

My parents, god love them, do not and never will understand basic boundaries. They are also emotionally immature and prone to manipulation and bullying if they don't get what they want. So for them, I have to live at a minimum, a 3+ hour flight away. It preserves our relationship and is why we are somewhat functional. My sibling who lives a mile from them no longer speaks to them, my siblings who live a 1-2 hour drive are on speaking terms but fight constantly. I have zero problems with my parents, and it's because we have to get on a plane (or drive for multiple days) to see each other.

Meanwhile, we currently live about 5 hours from my ILs and that was okay for a time, but with MIL approaching 80, we're looking to move closer, within a could hours.

I have a hunch your parents are better people than you are.

DP. Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

I moved a 3.5 hour plane ride away and saw them about twice a year. Then I moved a 5.5 hour plane ride away and saw them about once a year. Once a year is plenty. To be honest, a half hour is plenty.

[Anonymous]

In my 20's, I needed to move far away from my parents to put distance between myself and their disfunction. I built a separate life pretending my distant family was normal. When my parents got sick it was difficult because I traveled back into the fray often.

[Anonymous]

We don’t have kids, we live about 4hrs away via car or train. We see my parents maybe 2-3 times a year. I thought that would increase when my sister moved to Baltimore last year, but it did not.

I’m perfectly fine with this set up.

Just saw a friend who’s parents live an hour away, and it would seem that her parents are always over. That would not work for me, and it doesn’t seem like it works too well for her. They were hosting a holiday party for friends and the parents were clearly hurt that they were not invited.

[Anonymous]

Just far enough that they have to drive. But close enough to be there for emergencies