Adult children, how far away from parents is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

I posted early in the thread about how I choose to live pretty far from my parents in order to preserve our relationship. I'd be the first to tell you my family is dysfunctional. Generations of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Enmeshment. Poor communication. Lots of emotional projection. Few healthy coping mechanisms for stress or conflict.

Why would I want to live close to that? Some families are dysfunctional and that is precisely why some adult children choose distance. I want to protect my DC from that dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

I would like to live at a walking or <15 min driving distance after they've kids to make it easier for them. Young couples with children, jobs and house can benefit greatly from having someone they can rely on.

[Anonymous]

My kids say they would love for us to move near them but they are single so can't say if this changes after getting married. Personally, I think young couples need some distance until they work out all the kinks of living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

I think that is weird. None of the offspring have ventured out into the world? Sounds like people are stuck in a small town and don't know how to outgrow it. Sad.

Get defensive much?

This is a Washington DC. It’s not a small town. Our kids settled here after college and grad school and after exploring the world (living, studying, traveling and volunteering abroad, for example). And we all continue to travel. It’s not an either/or proposition. I’m pretty sure we are more “worldly” than you lol. We also just happen to like each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

I posted early in the thread about how I choose to live pretty far from my parents in order to preserve our relationship. I'd be the first to tell you my family is dysfunctional. Generations of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Enmeshment. Poor communication. Lots of emotional projection. Few healthy coping mechanisms for stress or conflict.

Why would I want to live close to that? Some families are dysfunctional and that is precisely why some adult children choose distance. I want to protect my DC from that dysfunction.

Right. I get it. You’re not in denial, you’re not being defensive, and you’re not making your decision out to be something that it isn’t. Refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

No, you misread. We're the lucky ones -- apparently your parents raised you to pass judgment with limited information and feel empowered to state it without nuance. Go you, bossbabe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

It's not dysfunctional to keep distance when people who want to enmesh you are grossly dysfunctional. That's crazy. Choosing distance is the functional part of growing up in those households.

Or are you blaming people for being born into families they had (and have) no control over? That's pretty sick.

[Anonymous]

Parents are in California, we are in DC. It was fine pre kids, but I wished so much they were closer once kids were in the picture. I’d love to be within an hour of them, but we can’t afford to live where they are and they have no interest in moving here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

No, you misread. We're the lucky ones -- apparently your parents raised you to pass judgment with limited information and feel empowered to state it without nuance. Go you, bossbabe.

There’s no nuance to posts saying that they affirmatively WANT to live away from parents or family. If you WANT to do that, it by definition means your family relationship is dysfunctional. Captain Obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

It's not dysfunctional to keep distance when people who want to enmesh you are grossly dysfunctional. That's crazy. Choosing distance is the functional part of growing up in those households.

Or are you blaming people for being born into families they had (and have) no control over? That's pretty sick.

I’m not blaming anybody for anything. But cmon - you can’t say that you want to live away from the dysfunctional “people” in your family then claim in the same sentence that your family isn’t dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

No, you misread. We're the lucky ones -- apparently your parents raised you to pass judgment with limited information and feel empowered to state it without nuance. Go you, bossbabe.

There’s no nuance to posts saying that they affirmatively WANT to live away from parents or family. If you WANT to do that, it by definition means your family relationship is dysfunctional. Captain Obvious.

You know what's obvious? If people are willing to move far away to minimize contact in a relationship, then it's not a pleasant, helpful, and functional relationship that brings them joy.

Come on. You need people to say this explicitly? That's the obliviousness here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

It's not dysfunctional to keep distance when people who want to enmesh you are grossly dysfunctional. That's crazy. Choosing distance is the functional part of growing up in those households.

Or are you blaming people for being born into families they had (and have) no control over? That's pretty sick.

I’m not blaming anybody for anything. But cmon - you can’t say that you want to live away from the dysfunctional “people” in your family then claim in the same sentence that your family isn’t dysfunctional.

Yes, that's what it means to say people are dysfunctional. You can't have a functional relationship with them. How dense are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

You'll have to accept that "different from me" does not equal "dysfunctional". It's hard, I know.
The reality is that you're in the DC area, capital of the world. There are MANY transplants from all over the planet who work here because their expertise is needed, and paid for. Their parents are far away. Sometimes they feel sad, sometimes they're fine with it.

But the mere fact that families live scattered across the globe is not dysfunctional. We are an international family, with parents who also didn't live close to their parents, and we know many families like ours. At one point, I have close relatives settled or working on every continent except Antarctica. This is the modern world, OP. I would never prevent my kids from following their heart's desire to the opposite side of the world, because of some strange notion that a "functional" family lives 20 minutes away from each other.

Just STFU. This thread is full of posts where posters are taking shots against their parents and affirmatively saying that it’s good to be as far away from family as humanely possible. And that is crazy dysfunctional bullshit. As I said in my post, we do have some family who don’t live near their parents - but they’re not happy about it. THAT is normal. Being happy about being away from your family is the definition of dysfunction.

DP. Well, how lucky we are to have you here to model how someone raised in an idyllic family communicates with others the appropriate judgment on their lives.

Sure I’m lucky. I’m also calling a spade a spade. To suggest that it’s not dysfunctional to actually WANT to live far away from your parents is nonsense. That’s all.

No, you misread. We're the lucky ones -- apparently your parents raised you to pass judgment with limited information and feel empowered to state it without nuance. Go you, bossbabe.

There’s no nuance to posts saying that they affirmatively WANT to live away from parents or family. If you WANT to do that, it by definition means your family relationship is dysfunctional. Captain Obvious.

You know what's obvious? If people are willing to move far away to minimize contact in a relationship, then it's not a pleasant, helpful, and functional relationship that brings them joy.

Come on. You need people to say this explicitly? That's the obliviousness here.

Right. Meaning it’s dysfunctional. We agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone in our family - and there are a lot of us - whose adult kids don’t want to live as close to their parents as they can. All of our adult kids (four) live within a 20 minute drive, and two of the four are within walking distance. Most kids of my brothers’ and sister’s kid live just as close to their parents too (in other cities), and the ones who don’t are sad that they can’t.

So many dysfunctional families on DCUM. I wonder if it’s just a DMV regional thing.

I think that is weird. None of the offspring have ventured out into the world? Sounds like people are stuck in a small town and don't know how to outgrow it. Sad.

Not necessarily everyone comes from small towns. We are immigrants who settled in DMV. All our kids with very different careers have also settled in DMV.