Platonic boy girl friendships in high school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has many very good platonic female friends and there is 0% chance they will try to date.

+1. Also, are you sure they’re both straight?

[Anonymous]

Dad here. I was a shy kid with zero game but was a red blooded straight teenage guy (with all the hormones and thoughts that come with that). I had a number of female platonic friends in high school. It fell into the following categories:
1. Girls I was friends with since childhood. Some of whom were/are objectively attractive. These were true platonic friendships—they were like a sister. A couple of them I’m still friends with to this day, get together with spouses and families.

2. Girls I wasn’t attracted to or more often told myself they weren’t attractive because I was worried about what people would say if we got together. Thinking back, some of these I would have totally ended up hooking up with if we met after I was 21 or so and had more confidence and cared less about what people thought. A couple in this category also wanted more from me, but being young women, were waiting for me to make the move (not being arrogant, just stating a fact).

3. Girls I did want to hook up with but was too scared to make a move and thought over time the friendship would naturally grow into more without having to put myself out there. Most guys learn eventually this is the worst way to get together with a girl you like—it just took me a little while.

So I don’t know where this leaves OP other than to realize that it’s possible but it depends. Unless you’re talking about a childhood friend, where the dynamics are pre-established and it’s just different, it’s probably usually the case that one party or another wants more. That doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t real or meaningful, or that the unrequited party is being exploited.

But kids do need to be careful—as a parent I’ll teach my kids when they get older (I have boys but the advice applies to girls too) that they shouldn’t create a deep friendship while standing by and hoping that it morphs into more. It doesn’t make the friendship meaningless but it can cause pain and lead to weirdness.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in 10th and has a BF of a year that she knew for a while. She also has a male friend that she has had for about the same time. She adores her BF and by all accounts he feels the same. But whenever BF isn’t around the other boy is right there. She has set him up with other girls repeatedly but I am convinced he goes along with it just so he can have a reason to talk to her and double date. No way he wants to be just friends but he will take it over having no contact w her. Kids call it being “in line” - waiting for the relationship to break-up so you are next. I’m not sure I like it but am not getting involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:100% guarantee he wants to be more than friends. Maybe he will make a move, maybe not. Maybe she will. Men and women aren’t meant to be “best friends.” One always wants more. Either they will get together or find other mates and their friendship will shift. But you have no control over this. Why even think about it?

NP here but I'm wondering if it's your life experience that makes you think this, or if you have actual experience raising children?

My teen has a boy best friend- who she has been best friends with since K. So you are saying he wants more than friendship? And if he didn't, he would have ditched the friendship by now? Sorry, this makes no sense.

I agree with this PP. My DS has a best friend since K that is a girl. She is like a sister to him. I can't see them ever dating. I always had male friends that were just friends. Some of us can do this.

Me too!!! Who are these people who think women and men can't be friends? It's sad really. I'd have missed a lot of great friendships in my life if I thought like that.

Some people aren't attracted to each other. That's it. It's not that complicated.

Do you live under a rock? Or are in denial? You are clearly a woman.

The main thing driving men outside of puberty to stay in a close friendship with a woman is sexual tension/attraction. You are only BFFs as long as he is single. Once he has a girlfriend, and if it isn’t the BFF, the constant texting and frequent hang outs with girl BFF will drastically reduce. Women love male friends because they give them more attention and are nicer than female friends. They are not the same with their male friends. There are reasons for this.

Except all the women here have had a different experience. I'm the poster whose friend was in usher in my wedding. I also gave a speech at his wedding. I don't think that's an exceptional situation. I know a lot of people like this.

You can add me to the list. I had a male BFF in college. We never dated. I was very happy to attend his wedding. I also became BFFs with one of my exes. We both know we are compatible as friends but drove each other completely nuts while we were in a relationship.

As boys mature, they can hold platonic friendships. The women on this thread are talking about adult platonic relationships.

OP's situation is about a teenage boy. Unless the boy is homosexual or the girl is not very attractive, it's highly unusual for the boy to not have hormone-caused sexual attraction.

Says who? You

Plenty of platonic friends. It happens all the time every day at every school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 16 has been friends with a boy for about a year. Over the past few months they have become very close. This weekend they went ice skating on Saturday (other friends were there too) but when I picked her up it was just the two of them left at the rink. Then on Sunday they went and played basketball together (just the two of them). They are constantly texting and communicating through Snapchat. All day long it seems.
My question is, what is the chance that this will remain platonic?
I worry that if they start dating and then break up, DD will lose one of her best friends, and she doesn’t have many friends.

I met my husband when we were both 15. We were casual friends then got to be closer friends her a period of about six months. Everyone kept saying stuff to us about dating and I rolled my eyes every time and said boys and girls could just be friends.

Well we started dating. And are still together 25 years later.

I don't see how fretting about any of this will help on your end.

Similar story here, except we were 16/17. We were best friends for a while, “just friends,” then started dating… that was 26 years ago; still together.

[Anonymous]

Leave your teens alone. This is such toxic over-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Just say no to dating. No drama then.

[Anonymous]

I am also married to a "best friend" for almost 30 years. Sometimes you need to make the leap.

[Anonymous]

My son has quite a few platonic girls who are friends, including one of his best friends.

He did date a girl in their wider circle and when he broke up with her it was awkward for a short while but now that’s over. I think he learned that dating a friend could have bigger consequences after the fact so not sure he’ll do that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I was a shy kid with zero game but was a red blooded straight teenage guy (with all the hormones and thoughts that come with that). I had a number of female platonic friends in high school. It fell into the following categories:
1. Girls I was friends with since childhood. Some of whom were/are objectively attractive. These were true platonic friendships—they were like a sister. A couple of them I’m still friends with to this day, get together with spouses and families.

2. Girls I wasn’t attracted to or more often told myself they weren’t attractive because I was worried about what people would say if we got together. Thinking back, some of these I would have totally ended up hooking up with if we met after I was 21 or so and had more confidence and cared less about what people thought. A couple in this category also wanted more from me, but being young women, were waiting for me to make the move (not being arrogant, just stating a fact).

3. Girls I did want to hook up with but was too scared to make a move and thought over time the friendship would naturally grow into more without having to put myself out there. Most guys learn eventually this is the worst way to get together with a girl you like—it just took me a little while.

So I don’t know where this leaves OP other than to realize that it’s possible but it depends. Unless you’re talking about a childhood friend, where the dynamics are pre-established and it’s just different, it’s probably usually the case that one party or another wants more. That doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t real or meaningful, or that the unrequited party is being exploited.

But kids do need to be careful—as a parent I’ll teach my kids when they get older (I have boys but the advice applies to girls too) that they shouldn’t create a deep friendship while standing by and hoping that it morphs into more. It doesn’t make the friendship meaningless but it can cause pain and lead to weirdness.

DP:

Three possibilities today:

1) they end up dating/ having sex.

2) she “friend-zones” him; he gets blue balls and is miserable. Or

3) he’s gay or she’s gay, and they stay friends.

[Anonymous]

^ or he friend zones her

OR

they stay platonic friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure there's anything you can be involved with here.

There isn’t.