I feel no joy or desire to execute this Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

It's fine to not be in the frame of mind for the usual hoopla.

[Anonymous]

That's fine OP, hopefully they will be able to tell that you are over it and will behave themselves this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

It's fine to not be in the frame of mind for the usual hoopla.

+1. Why is the PP acting like OP has cancelled last minute? She hasn’t; they are hosting, they just aren’t rolling out the red carpet as usual. I see no problem with ordering pizza the night before instead of cooking yet more.

[Anonymous]

I let my husband deal with IL hosting and planning completely. I dropped the rope after MIL asked me to make her a pot of coffee (we have a standard drip) when they were visiting after the baby was born, allegedly to “help,” and I don’t even drink coffee. I told her it’s a standard drip, follow the instructions on the package. She pouted. I told her to ask her son if she couldn’t manage it herself. I was literally feeding the baby at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

Why is it always on the women to do everything? I’m sick of it! I am also tired of inconsiderate and thoughtless guests who don’t offer to help or let the women clear the table and do the dishes! If you are family you help, end of. You don’t sit there while you let two people do everything especially if you don’t or rarely reciprocate. If you reciprocate and this is how it’s done then fine, but I have been to so many family events on both sides and outside my husband no male has helped after! Even the ones who are hosting.

I always try and help. If I don’t know where stuff goes I wash it and leave it to the side it I ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

Why is it always on the women to do everything? I’m sick of it! I am also tired of inconsiderate and thoughtless guests who don’t offer to help or let the women clear the table and do the dishes! If you are family you help, end of. You don’t sit there while you let two people do everything especially if you don’t or rarely reciprocate. If you reciprocate and this is how it’s done then fine, but I have been to so many family events on both sides and outside my husband no male has helped after! Even the ones who are hosting.

I always try and help. If I don’t know where stuff goes I wash it and leave it to the side it I ask.

+1. My sister put an end to this when she had two sons. Once they were capable, they were expected to do the dishes every night after my sister cooked dinner. She also taught them how to cook so now they share cooking with their wives. It's up to us to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

I think you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Your husband is making a turkey and you said you are ok with making a few sides. So - dinner us planned. You seem to be putting the expectation on yourself that you need to be some kind of super host. You do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Your husband is making a turkey and you said you are ok with making a few sides. So - dinner us planned. You seem to be putting the expectation on yourself that you need to be some kind of super host. You do not.

No she’s bracing for the rude comments , judgements toward her not her husband and demands from in laws that what they did wasn’t enough. If in laws were kind, gracious, normal people she wouldn’t be venting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Your husband is making a turkey and you said you are ok with making a few sides. So - dinner us planned. You seem to be putting the expectation on yourself that you need to be some kind of super host. You do not.

No she’s bracing for the rude comments , judgements toward her not her husband and demands from in laws that what they did wasn’t enough. If in laws were kind, gracious, normal people she wouldn’t be venting.

No one can make you feel bad if you feel good about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Your husband is making a turkey and you said you are ok with making a few sides. So - dinner us planned. You seem to be putting the expectation on yourself that you need to be some kind of super host. You do not.

No she’s bracing for the rude comments , judgements toward her not her husband and demands from in laws that what they did wasn’t enough. If in laws were kind, gracious, normal people she wouldn’t be venting.

No one can make you feel bad if you feel good about yourself.

She should tell ILs to get off their lazy arses and stop being annoying, whiny mooches. If they feel bad, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just picking up on your "gathering of 6 with 2 small children" - is your Thanksgiving your family (with kids) and all the guests are adults? This is a hard thing to get excited about IMO. It's a lot of work but at the end of the day kids keep having their own needs and no peers to enjoy it with.

Just venting about some of my own Tgivings!

OP here. Yes, it’s really quiet and boring. My family has tons of cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. We rarely see DH’s sister and her family as they live on the West Coast, but at least things are a little lively when they are part of the mix.

I’m just going to scale back, do only what I’ve committed to doing, and let the rest of them figure it out with takeout menus or whatever. I’ll have plenty of food around so people can make themselves a sandwich whenever. It’s just going to be a little funny because I don’t think appetizers or anything like that have occurred to DH, so we’ll probably end up scrounging around for olives and cheese until the food is ready. I just don’t care this year. As long as my kids are fed, people can go help themselves to whatever. I’m not interested in appetizers and cocktails.

I’m not going to agree with everyone else. I think it is rude to host people and “not care.” If you had issues with the way your in-laws behaved in the past, you should have communicated back then. If you feel overwhelmed cooking people’s traditional dishes, ask them to help. If you aren’t up to hosting, don’t invite people. And finally, whether you like it or not, your in-laws are part of your family. You need to learn how to do the things required to have a relationship.

OP. Well, there will be a clean house and a full holiday meal, so I guess we are hosting.

I never said they weren’t a part of my family. I don’t think my family of origin is perfect and my husband’s isn’t. But yeah, when people complain but aren’t helpful, it’s not as easy to host them. We do stand up for ourselves in the moment, so it’s not like I’m capitulating to making 26 sides and then complaining about it. We have asked them to help, by the way—they don’t. They make excuses. I wouldn’t mind at all about doing everything if they weren’t rude about what they think we “should be” doing.

My husband’s late grandmother couldn’t help, but all she ever said was thank you and was a lovely guest. It’s not about needing help, it’s about disliking the ungrateful attitude. And no, at this point in the game, I don’t “need to do” any more to have a relationship with people who are ungrateful, immature and unhelpful. I will accept their presence in my home, I will serve them a meal, and the house will be clean. If they want more, they can go to a restaurant or a resort.

If you spent half the amount of time that you spend complaining about them on this anonymous website cooking and preparing a nice meal there wouldn’t be any problem at all. This is all on you and your attitude.

This response is totally inappropriate

PP, you sound like a lovely host. I hope you have a great holiday despite your ungrateful, critical in-laws. Ignore this poster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so ridiculous. There are millions of American families for whom hosting Thanksgiving is drudgery because some of the guests don’t rank among their favorite people on the planet. They don’t all write a novel about it. I don’t understand this thread at all.

Then why are you here, making it longer, and pushing it to the top of Recent Topics?

OP said she is usually an enthusiastic host who does a lot. There is clearly a marked difference between how she has felt in past years, and how she feels now. She’s asking if people can relate and if they have any advice.

As it turns out, many of us CAN relate to feeling like scaling back for unhelpful, ungrateful relatives—in my case, it is my parents who act like they should be waited on hand and foot during visits. ILs do not have a monopoly on being ungrateful, unhelpful and demanding houseguests. That’s just how it happens to be for OP.

What is it that you feel personally offended or threatened by, PP? Are you an ungrateful guest, an IL no one likes, or someone who wants to host but can’t?

Of course many of you can relate. That’s not surprising. You’re all miserable, and you know what they say about misery and company.

You sound bored. You sound like you don’t have much going on in your life. If this thread isn’t something that interests you, then move on. That’s what happy people do. I hope you feel better soon. Happy Holidays. You sound lonely, angry and left behind. That seems awful, and I truly hope things improve for you.

LOL! The ones who can’t do anything but complain about Thanksgiving are the ones with “not much going on in their lives.” You really can’t grasp how miserable of a thread this is? Hilarious that you think that the one poster who spots this is the “lonely” one.

Happy people don’t spend their time in threads that don’t resonate with them, looking to ridicule others. I sincerely hope you find something better to do with your time. I’m sorry that whatever you are going through has made you such a miserable person that even getting negative attention online is satisfying to you. If your family isn’t willing to have you for Thanksgiving, maybe you can find someone from a community organization who needs volunteers or something. Good luck.

Lol yea this thread is fully of happy, well adjusted and giving people. 😂

If you have to explain yourself this much on an anonymous msg board, the problem is YOU!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point, I think it's okay to just have the meal catered by someone else in the long run. It's cheaper than a trip to the therapist afterwards... I'm glad your husband is stepping up. Just remind yourself. It's one day you can get through it

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually look forward to the holidays. I have provided my Thanksgiving written-out/timed-out plan on DCUM in the past, and many posters were impressed that I had it all thought through and prepared. DH and I always share the work, but I always do the heavy lifting, with planning and execution.

We’re hosting his parents for Thanksgiving, and my parents for Christmas. I’m really looking forward to Christmas. Honestly, after the last few holidays and visits with my ILs—where they offer unsolicited advice, get in the way without helping at all, nitpick and question every little thing, and generally act ungrateful for my efforts (wondering why I don’t make all 26 possible side dishes for a gathering of 6 people, two of them small children)—I just feel no desire to “pull off” this Thanksgiving at all.

ILs have hosted twice in 12 years. I have plenty of “I’d rather do it this way” observations about how they host, but all I’ve ever said is thank you and offered to help. They actively want us to host because they’re both tired/infirm, which is fine, but they complain and always say we should do this not that, where is the [insert name of side dish that is completely extraneous and frankly gross], blah blah.

DH has stepped up and is doing the turkey, two pies, gravy, and cranberry sauce. I’m planning on making several side dishes. But that’s it. I can’t even be bothered to think about what we’ll have for dinner the night before. I just honestly don’t care. They’ll be looking to me and I just feel like I’ll shrug and say, “Ask Kevin. Not sure what he has planned.” I don’t care about houseguests, breakfast, appetizers, anything. I’m basically looking forward to making dressing, and eating one plate of dinner, and that’s it.

Usually I do so much and this year I just don’t care. The house cleaners are scheduled, I’ll pull off the cooking I have committed to. But I just. Don’t. Care. This. Year. All I care about are my kids having a good time. Can anyone relate? How did you get over your “blah”?

I quit doing it altogether. But it was a little easier for me because my DH can't cook a darn thing, so the burden was 100% on me. So when I said "no more," it was truly no more.

As far as the night before? Pizza.