Divorce - delaying the inevitable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

This is spot on.

The divorces I know had AWOL husbands who 12-15 years in to having kids he totally ignored except for photo ops, up and started behaving mean and nasty at home. He was angry he had no relationship or connection with his wife or kids. He quickly blamed the wife and asked for the divorce. All three were too lazy to file and harassed and verbally abused the wife until she did.

And he turned around and told everyone they “grew apart.”

Gosh. I wonder how and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Is it possible he is threatening divorce to try to get you to change? You don't need to "participate" for him to move forward with divorce. When he brings it up, can you just say, well, if that's what you want, I can't stop you? Is he really going to take the initiative to move out, find a lawyer, provide all the info the lawyer requires, etc.? If I were you I would not "help" him and would not engage in his musings about finding his own apartment, etc. I would, however, without letting him know, find my own lawyer and be ready to respond if he does file. His own inertia may delay things until the kids are older.

This is a good point. My DH threatened me all year and harassed me. I know he retained a lawyer. I quietly retained my own and have not helped him in anyway. He now seems to be over the peak of whatever midlife crisis he was in. I am over him, and am just waiting to see whether he shapes up. In the meantime I’m carving out a separate life and making my preparations. I’m not in a hurry to make any sudden moves as the kids are young.

My DH is incredibly lazy and selfish, I don’t think he wants to go through all the work of the divorce. He just wants to point fingers and blame others for his unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the man the best strategy is usually a quick divorce. This limits financial exposure especially to alimony.

No it does not “limit financial exposure” except in that moving quickly reduces attorneys fees. This is already a long marriage with kids and OP is not working. Somehow making it drag out is not going to net OP anything additional and will just increase fees. And since her stbx apparently values getting it over with she can use that to her advantage.

+1 It reduces attorney fees on both sides. That is it. No other motive. There is no "limiting financial exposure." There is zero point on either side to dragging out a divorce. It just costs more.

Moving quickly is always best financially. The only ones who win otherwise are the lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

This is spot on.

The divorces I know had AWOL husbands who 12-15 years in to having kids he totally ignored except for photo ops, up and started behaving mean and nasty at home. He was angry he had no relationship or connection with his wife or kids. He quickly blamed the wife and asked for the divorce. All three were too lazy to file and harassed and verbally abused the wife until she did.

And he turned around and told everyone they “grew apart.”

Gosh. I wonder how and why.

Your narrative sounds biased. If all three wanted to get divorced then they would have filed for it. Blaming them for the divorce occurring and then gaslighting by turning around and calling them lazy for not filing for divorces they apparently didn't want as much as the wives who filed for it must be a comfort to you.

Conversely if the wives didn't want to be divorced than obviously they wouldn't have filed.

That you think you know anything about decades of other people's marriages based on listening to the women who filed for divorce but don't want to take responsibility for it says more about your bias than about the marriages or why they ended.

It is far more likely that all these women who filed for divorce took their marriages and husbands for granted based on listening to "friends" like you without realizing the inherently biased nature of their self imposed echo chamber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Is it possible he is threatening divorce to try to get you to change? You don't need to "participate" for him to move forward with divorce. When he brings it up, can you just say, well, if that's what you want, I can't stop you? Is he really going to take the initiative to move out, find a lawyer, provide all the info the lawyer requires, etc.? If I were you I would not "help" him and would not engage in his musings about finding his own apartment, etc. I would, however, without letting him know, find my own lawyer and be ready to respond if he does file. His own inertia may delay things until the kids are older.

This is a good point. My DH threatened me all year and harassed me. I know he retained a lawyer. I quietly retained my own and have not helped him in anyway. He now seems to be over the peak of whatever midlife crisis he was in. I am over him, and am just waiting to see whether he shapes up. In the meantime I’m carving out a separate life and making my preparations. I’m not in a hurry to make any sudden moves as the kids are young.

My DH is incredibly lazy and selfish, I don’t think he wants to go through all the work of the divorce. He just wants to point fingers and blame others for his unhappiness.

There are no objective facts in your post. Only feelings, emotions, demonization, and blame of your spouse.

Well actually one fact. You both retained attorneys but somehow it's a sign of abuse when he didn't, but a sign of cleverness when you did it

Double standard much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

This is spot on.

The divorces I know had AWOL husbands who 12-15 years in to having kids he totally ignored except for photo ops, up and started behaving mean and nasty at home. He was angry he had no relationship or connection with his wife or kids. He quickly blamed the wife and asked for the divorce. All three were too lazy to file and harassed and verbally abused the wife until she did.

And he turned around and told everyone they “grew apart.”

Gosh. I wonder how and why.

Your narrative sounds biased. If all three wanted to get divorced then they would have filed for it. Blaming them for the divorce occurring and then gaslighting by turning around and calling them lazy for not filing for divorces they apparently didn't want as much as the wives who filed for it must be a comfort to you.

Conversely if the wives didn't want to be divorced than obviously they wouldn't have filed.

That you think you know anything about decades of other people's marriages based on listening to the women who filed for divorce but don't want to take responsibility for it says more about your bias than about the marriages or why they ended.

It is far more likely that all these women who filed for divorce took their marriages and husbands for granted based on listening to "friends" like you without realizing the inherently biased nature of their self imposed echo chamber.

Lol. Keep telling yourself that’s how things worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Is it possible he is threatening divorce to try to get you to change? You don't need to "participate" for him to move forward with divorce. When he brings it up, can you just say, well, if that's what you want, I can't stop you? Is he really going to take the initiative to move out, find a lawyer, provide all the info the lawyer requires, etc.? If I were you I would not "help" him and would not engage in his musings about finding his own apartment, etc. I would, however, without letting him know, find my own lawyer and be ready to respond if he does file. His own inertia may delay things until the kids are older.

This is a good point. My DH threatened me all year and harassed me. I know he retained a lawyer. I quietly retained my own and have not helped him in anyway. He now seems to be over the peak of whatever midlife crisis he was in. I am over him, and am just waiting to see whether he shapes up. In the meantime I’m carving out a separate life and making my preparations. I’m not in a hurry to make any sudden moves as the kids are young.

My DH is incredibly lazy and selfish, I don’t think he wants to go through all the work of the divorce. He just wants to point fingers and blame others for his unhappiness.

There are no objective facts in your post. Only feelings, emotions, demonization, and blame of your spouse.

Well actually one fact. You both retained attorneys but somehow it's a sign of abuse when he didn't, but a sign of cleverness when you did it

Double standard much?

#DelusionalTroll

[Anonymous]

This has been fascinating actually. There are a lot of sad hurt/bitter people on here. There’s so much venom in the arguments supporting one spouse or the other. It sounds like we all need more therapy or meditation or something.

I’d say that in our case, we’ve definitely both contributed significantly to the breakdown. It’s just really hard to picture what happens next. I guess i never imagined ending up here, but maybe we’ll both be happier in the long run?