Divorce - delaying the inevitable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

Because the women are carrying the weight of everything --kids, their own work, the house, carpools, planning holidays, finding camps, etc.. so they are absolutely exhausted. Some grown babies then feel neglected and lean out and find some woman that will kiss his *ss ----but his wife would have been that person with more help and patience. It's sad but that is what I see with these midlife affairs.

Just imagine how 'fun' and 'sexy' the wife would be if she only saw him to bang a few times a month vs washing his dirty underwear and cooking dinner after her work day before driving the kids to practice.

Np.

Oops, I just wrote a similar thing.
After 10 years of trying to get my apsie work addict spouse semi-involved in big household decisions or even to read his emails, I just stopped that verbally abusive cycle. He’d lash out at questions, reminders, decision making processes or shut down entirely.

Then I noticed he was less grumpy when not notified or spoken to so we did that for years 10-15. Better for me and he kids to not see his temper tantrums.

But then we moved house and he couldn’t handle that new candence and decided he needs a divorce.

I no longer care so will go interview some attorneys. Meanwhile, I work full time, so everything for the kids and house. Not much will change for me. I guess he’ll go on to life in an apartment, date and watch Netflix and try the bachelor life plus some a Disney Dad dinners and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

Because the women are carrying the weight of everything --kids, their own work, the house, carpools, planning holidays, finding camps, etc.. so they are absolutely exhausted. Some grown babies then feel neglected and lean out and find some woman that will kiss his *ss ----but his wife would have been that person with more help and patience. It's sad but that is what I see with these midlife affairs.

Just imagine how 'fun' and 'sexy' the wife would be if she only saw him to bang a few times a month vs washing his dirty underwear and cooking dinner after her work day before driving the kids to practice.

That certainly sounds possible, although the Op here didn’t directly state it. It could also be that the people in the marriage just stopped doing anything to maintain the relationship. Marriages seem to die that way too.

Not everyone is that stupid that they don’t notice the exact life time frame when one partner stopped showing up as a partner. Then they tried everyone, but it was one person trying. Other was an empty suit or listened to the therapist but didn’t do the homework.

The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you aren't prioritizing the kids. You're prioritizing you. You sound like you never really loved or cared for your husband but just used him as means to an end. Dont listen to the bitter anti feminists who are.telking you not to work so you can try to take unfair advantage of him in a divorce.

You are just another one of those low libido women who probably had as.luttle sex with your husband as possible throughout the marriage and then calculated when you had been married long enough you could ignore him entirely using "the kids" as your excuse meanwhile allowing him to support the family.

Get off your rear and get back into the workforce or if you are already working upgrade your job and skills.

And then preorder your card and boxes of wine because frankly you don't sound like you bring much at all to the relationship table.

Other way around.

He used her as a free housekeeper, cook, family manager, and high quality childcare and child raising. Plus her day job income.

Now he’s bored and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you aren't prioritizing the kids. You're prioritizing you. You sound like you never really loved or cared for your husband but just used him as means to an end. Dont listen to the bitter anti feminists who are.telking you not to work so you can try to take unfair advantage of him in a divorce.

You are just another one of those low libido women who probably had as.luttle sex with your husband as possible throughout the marriage and then calculated when you had been married long enough you could ignore him entirely using "the kids" as your excuse meanwhile allowing him to support the family.

Get off your rear and get back into the workforce or if you are already working upgrade your job and skills.

And then preorder your card and boxes of wine because frankly you don't sound like you bring much at all to the relationship table.

Other way around.

He used her as a free housekeeper, cook, family manager, and high quality childcare and child raising. Plus her day job income.

Now he’s bored and done.

Wow, it must have been so hard for her, being a perfect partner and mother to the point where her husband thought “I hate being married to this perfect person, I’d rather be alone.” That makes so much sense.

Now she gets to be alone. She wins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

100%

I read the more they become immersed in work and have less responsibility at home (because the wife -often working too—is accommodating and holding down the fort, often doing the entire after school/nighttime routine, duties so he can workout since he doesn’t have time at lunch like her)…the more they can easily compartmentalize and don’t see why the wife is exhausted at 9pm at night. They start acting like a spoiled baby whose mommy neglects him so they hop on the computer trolling Ashley Madison to find a disgruntled housewife because his wife just isn’t showing as much attention while trying to be perfect in every aspect of life- including appearance, etc….

And you have the guy: “I would much rather be having intimacy with my wife…but it’s all her fault.” They become negative and critical of everything she does or doesn’t do to justify cheating.

[Anonymous]

Mediation is the way to go. Frankly, you will both be parenting your children in the years to come and having kids in between a bitter court dispute will scar everyone even more deeply. Research mediation firms and in addition hire an attorney to advise you to make sure that you are aware of your rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you aren't prioritizing the kids. You're prioritizing you. You sound like you never really loved or cared for your husband but just used him as means to an end. Dont listen to the bitter anti feminists who are.telking you not to work so you can try to take unfair advantage of him in a divorce.

You are just another one of those low libido women who probably had as.luttle sex with your husband as possible throughout the marriage and then calculated when you had been married long enough you could ignore him entirely using "the kids" as your excuse meanwhile allowing him to support the family.

Get off your rear and get back into the workforce or if you are already working upgrade your job and skills.

And then preorder your card and boxes of wine because frankly you don't sound like you bring much at all to the relationship table.

Other way around.

He used her as a free housekeeper, cook, family manager, and high quality childcare and child raising. Plus her day job income.

Now he’s bored and done.

"High quality"?

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he suddenly in a hurry? It sounds like he has someone else lined up. Maybe you should do some snooping or hire a PI. You'll get a much better settlement in a fault divorce.

You MIGHT get a better settlement in a fault divorce. It depends on the judge, or your lawyer’s ability to blackmail your husband into a settlement.

But you WILL spend more proving fault because the threshold is high. Some sexy texts don’t prove adultery. You will need to pay a PI, and a lot more in billable hours. There will be depositions and discovery, and court appearances.

And while a fault divorce waives the waiting period, it takes a long time to actually get a fault divorce. You might be better just agreeing to no fault and waiting a year.

Not saying OP shouldn’t pursue this, but she should do the math: what will she have to spend in order to potentially get a larger chunk of the marital assets? What is the value of those assets? Do the math.

Dropping $5-$10k on a PI or something makes perfect sense if you're talking high six figures or higher of assets.

First of all, VA is an ass backwards state to have ANY laws regarding either alimony OR adultery. Neither of those should be any concern for the Government.

But, based on the 18th century laws which remain on the books in VA ... marital ASSETS are not impacted by adultery. At most, IF a spouse is entitled to alimony (and as I said this is 18th century stuff that should be abolished) then only ALIMONY might be disallowed. Asset division is unaffected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Growing apart" means stopped having sex. He must have found someone more willing.

This, it’s DW’s fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

100%

I read the more they become immersed in work and have less responsibility at home (because the wife -often working too—is accommodating and holding down the fort, often doing the entire after school/nighttime routine, duties so he can workout since he doesn’t have time at lunch like her)…the more they can easily compartmentalize and don’t see why the wife is exhausted at 9pm at night. They start acting like a spoiled baby whose mommy neglects him so they hop on the computer trolling Ashley Madison to find a disgruntled housewife because his wife just isn’t showing as much attention while trying to be perfect in every aspect of life- including appearance, etc….

And you have the guy: “I would much rather be having intimacy with my wife…but it’s all her fault.” They become negative and critical of everything she does or doesn’t do to justify cheating.

+1.

I also think keeping the peace is overrated. I want my daughters to call their future spouse a worthless sack of shit openly if he acts like their dad.

Might spur the affair sooner but good riddance to bad rubbish. Frankly just cut the intimacy and let them go ham, who cares as long as you don’t get an STD.

Men are the effing worst. Like all of them, including my closest friends, are literally useless at household and child management. At least I enjoy watching their faces when I point it out openly at drinks or dinner. And then laugh and say what? I figured you weren’t an idiot, that you must’ve done it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

^ and their stupid @ss affair partners think they found such a caring gentleman

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Is it possible he is threatening divorce to try to get you to change? You don't need to "participate" for him to move forward with divorce. When he brings it up, can you just say, well, if that's what you want, I can't stop you? Is he really going to take the initiative to move out, find a lawyer, provide all the info the lawyer requires, etc.? If I were you I would not "help" him and would not engage in his musings about finding his own apartment, etc. I would, however, without letting him know, find my own lawyer and be ready to respond if he does file. His own inertia may delay things until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he suddenly in a hurry? It sounds like he has someone else lined up. Maybe you should do some snooping or hire a PI. You'll get a much better settlement in a fault divorce.

You MIGHT get a better settlement in a fault divorce. It depends on the judge, or your lawyer’s ability to blackmail your husband into a settlement.

But you WILL spend more proving fault because the threshold is high. Some sexy texts don’t prove adultery. You will need to pay a PI, and a lot more in billable hours. There will be depositions and discovery, and court appearances.

And while a fault divorce waives the waiting period, it takes a long time to actually get a fault divorce. You might be better just agreeing to no fault and waiting a year.

Not saying OP shouldn’t pursue this, but she should do the math: what will she have to spend in order to potentially get a larger chunk of the marital assets? What is the value of those assets? Do the math.

Dropping $5-$10k on a PI or something makes perfect sense if you're talking high six figures or higher of assets.

First of all, VA is an ass backwards state to have ANY laws regarding either alimony OR adultery. Neither of those should be any concern for the Government.

But, based on the 18th century laws which remain on the books in VA ... marital ASSETS are not impacted by adultery. At most, IF a spouse is entitled to alimony (and as I said this is 18th century stuff that should be abolished) then only ALIMONY might be disallowed. Asset division is unaffected.

AND it’s not just the $10k to the PI. It’s also the $100k to the lawyer AFTER the PI to litigate a fault divorce. And your spouse’s $100k to defend. All of which is coming out our marital assets. You can’t just roll up to court with some pictures and be like “boom, I get everything.”

- someone who just went through this in NOVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

100%

I read the more they become immersed in work and have less responsibility at home (because the wife -often working too—is accommodating and holding down the fort, often doing the entire after school/nighttime routine, duties so he can workout since he doesn’t have time at lunch like her)…the more they can easily compartmentalize and don’t see why the wife is exhausted at 9pm at night. They start acting like a spoiled baby whose mommy neglects him so they hop on the computer trolling Ashley Madison to find a disgruntled housewife because his wife just isn’t showing as much attention while trying to be perfect in every aspect of life- including appearance, etc….

And you have the guy: “I would much rather be having intimacy with my wife…but it’s all her fault.” They become negative and critical of everything she does or doesn’t do to justify cheating.

+1.

I also think keeping the peace is overrated. I want my daughters to call their future spouse a worthless sack of shit openly if he acts like their dad.

Might spur the affair sooner but good riddance to bad rubbish. Frankly just cut the intimacy and let them go ham, who cares as long as you don’t get an STD.

Men are the effing worst. Like all of them, including my closest friends, are literally useless at household and child management. At least I enjoy watching their faces when I point it out openly at drinks or dinner. And then laugh and say what? I figured you weren’t an idiot, that you must’ve done it on purpose.

Probably it's mostly drinks and not much dinner. Nah let's face it...it's all drinks. Lots of drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you aren't prioritizing the kids. You're prioritizing you. You sound like you never really loved or cared for your husband but just used him as means to an end. Dont listen to the bitter anti feminists who are.telking you not to work so you can try to take unfair advantage of him in a divorce.

You are just another one of those low libido women who probably had as.luttle sex with your husband as possible throughout the marriage and then calculated when you had been married long enough you could ignore him entirely using "the kids" as your excuse meanwhile allowing him to support the family.

Get off your rear and get back into the workforce or if you are already working upgrade your job and skills.

And then preorder your card and boxes of wine because frankly you don't sound like you bring much at all to the relationship table.

Other way around.

He used her as a free housekeeper, cook, family manager, and high quality childcare and child raising. Plus her day job income.

Now he’s bored and done.

Wow, it must have been so hard for her, being a perfect partner and mother to the point where her husband thought “I hate being married to this perfect person, I’d rather be alone.” That makes so much sense.

Now she gets to be alone. She wins!

He wants a mommy, to him. Not k-12 kids.