Is it possible to be happy in a marriage that doesn't bring you the lifestyle you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

Yes I have read so many of OP’s threads that I don’t even know what to think anymore. She’s so stuck in a terrible loop.

I wrote threads years ago like OP’s that could have been mistaken for hers. Since then I have quadrupled my income, accepted my husband for who he is (a talented academic who will never earn more than 150k), bought a house, had a baby and now have another on the way. I’m 9/10 happy.

Not saying OP’s husband is the one for her, but just making the point that lot’s of people might have written here with similar ruminating stories.

The answer of course is you have to take responsibility for your own life…

You should do an AMA or start your own thread to tell your story. Seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let anyone stop you from motherhood. Seriously I recommend stopping contraception. If he withholds or actively protest and fights it, quickly end it and get yourself in a relationship asap or get knocked up. Guerrilla tactics? Yes but you don’t know what you are missing. Men come and go but children are forever. To your original question yes you can be happy as a poor church mouse if you are madly in love. You dont sound it.

Hard disagree. Plenty of people who were “madly in love” later divorce because there is not enough money to grease the wheels and they keep fighting about it (or about things like cleaning and childcare bc they can’t afford to throw money at them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried swimming or even splashing in the water? DH was similar but once he saw I was playing splashy-splashy (and enjoying it), he decided to flip his own coin and start up a new undertone. YMMV!

What does this mean? Am I missing some innuendo?

PP, no, it is not innuendo. I mean the simple act of swimming or even just splashing around (I call it splashy-splashy.) There's something about being the water that can right so many wrongs. Is it possible your DH has not recognized this? If so, get him in the water. Last one in's a rotten egg!

Like... just go swimming? That's your advice?

I'm so confused lol

[Anonymous]

Like many Americans, you can't afford a SFH. That's true for lots of people your age and not necessarily his/your fault. One thing that is definitely within his control is whether he agrees to try for kids. I would suggest couples therapy to address this, STAT. Unfortunately given the timing, choosing to separate might move you further away from realizing your goals. However, I'm not saying that is the wrong decision for you.

[Anonymous]

The only pressing matter is your aging eggs. That’s what matters. Get clear. Get real. Give him the road map to please you. Time to make it about you and motherhood. ‘This month we start actively trying. I need this like water. Will you trust me and the process that it’ll be good for us?” However he replies, you’ve got your answer. Put it in a hand written love letter. Also tell him you love him, believe and trust in him bc I sense he needs to hear this. (Don’t threaten to leave or tell him it’s a dealbreaker. That sours the tone.). However, you should know it’s a dealbreaker. Don’t accept half assed attempts. if you break up later you still got your kid. Or just poke a hole in the condom. No man is worth losing out on motherhood.

[Anonymous]

See a divorce lawyer today. Make sure you’re not sleeping with your husband (no risk of pregnancy). Plan to move out in a month. Work on your self esteem. You can still have a good marriage and kids - just not with him, and your time is running out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll make 400K or more this year as the wife and I don't own a SFH here (by choice but also I'd pay 350K for 200 sqft at 8% interest). I'm also suddenly and totally infertile after having had 2 kids that started at age 35. I'm not saying that your wants are unreasonable, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

However, you have a choice. Stay married to this person or not. If my husband truly felt he wanted more kids and it wasn't worth it to stay with me, I would welcome him to leave.

You are comparing your life -- with income of over 400k and two kids -- to OP's life, where she has no child and is financially struggling. Apples to oranges. Not helpful.

You gotta love DCUM for stuff like this. The haves telling the have-nots that “life’s not fair”. So tone deaf and perfectly DCUM.

extremely tone deaf and kind of awful

[Anonymous]

Marriage is not supposed to “bring you a lifestyle ” (in this day and age). A career is.

[Anonymous]

The only unrealistic thing is that you thought you could change him. Even at 20 when we met, DH knew eventually he'd want kids and a house. He wasn't eager for them or dreaming about them and didn't want them before 30, but he had a life plan. Most people have a life plan.

Ditch your dh. Wouldn't you rather be single than to live like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll make 400K or more this year as the wife and I don't own a SFH here (by choice but also I'd pay 350K for 200 sqft at 8% interest). I'm also suddenly and totally infertile after having had 2 kids that started at age 35. I'm not saying that your wants are unreasonable, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

However, you have a choice. Stay married to this person or not. If my husband truly felt he wanted more kids and it wasn't worth it to stay with me, I would welcome him to leave.

You are comparing your life -- with income of over 400k and two kids -- to OP's life, where she has no child and is financially struggling. Apples to oranges. Not helpful.

+2. What and odd comparison, if you can even call it that.

[Anonymous]

This is not about lifestyle wants; it's about life goals. And you have legitimate life goals. Ppl tend to react negatively to "lifestyle" wants as they usually pertain to material, superficial things. You want children and financial stability, which are all normal, worthy goals.

You and your H do not sound like you're on the same page or sharing the same goals. It can be a marriage breaker.

[Anonymous]

OP states she wants three things: (1) baby (2) Not be lower middle class (3) Single Family Home.

You can have a baby while living in an apartment and while being "lower middle class." You can also have birthday parties for your child in an apartment while being lower-middle class.
If what you want is truly "emotional connection" that can also be done in an apartment while being lower middle class.

My guess is that you are nagging about some Instagram lifestyle you feel that you deserve and ruminating on "I'm not happy."
You, most likely think, "if I has X, Y, and Z THEN I'll FEEL happy" but the truth is that whatever X, Y, and Z is will never "make" you happy.
You are going to ruin you marriage (if you haven't already) by doing the things you are doing.

The truth is that it is not your husbands job to make you happy (even though most men try) and men often emotionally shut down when they have ungrateful wives.
The reason is that most men are energized by doing things that result in a happy wife but they become demoralized when try as they might, their wife doesn't find their offerings sufficient.
If this sort of thing is what your family has been telling you, they are not gaslighting you. Rather they are loving you enough to speak truth.

You need to honestly assess if your husband is basically a good man and whether you are acting spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Well OP if I were you and clear minded I would divorce and pursue a sperm donor. You want a kid. You are 37. If you were 30 or even like 33 I would have different thoughts but you are not happy and your window is closing. Ditch the guy and have a kid. It can be done, especially if you could relocate to a lower cost of living area.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you get yourself a full time job and start saving in your own bank account so you can afford to move out. Then move out. Start divorce proceedings and work on having a child.

[Anonymous]

You are not compatible with him and need to leave. My husband and I made sure we are on the same page. Now, I agreed to go the extra mile financially and bring in more of the bacon than him but we invest, own 4 homes and rent 3 of them and now once the market changes, we will be looking for our farmette. I want a certain lifestyle and will not stop until I get it. But, I also bust my ass to get what I want and make no apologies for being ruthless to get it. So, if you want anything in this life worth having, dust yourself off, ditch that limp biscuit and get out there and hustle to get it.