Is it possible to be happy in a marriage that doesn't bring you the lifestyle you want?

[Anonymous]

OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

Yes I have read so many of OP’s threads that I don’t even know what to think anymore. She’s so stuck in a terrible loop.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

This. Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him. He’s bringing you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think because of low self-esteem I have a hard time understanding what it is that I can or should want and what are things that I am being frivolous about. I guess when I was a child my parents gaslit me a lot and told me my demands were unreasonable or that I should not be feeling what I am feeling. As an adult, I am constantly unsure and do not trust myself.

Anyway, here I am at 37 years old and I find myself in a marriage where almost everything I had aspired to to wanted appear to be unreasonable?
I had wanted intimacy physical and emotional and I am told I am too needy.
I wanted a single family home with 2.5 kids and I was told first that I am acting like I am "40 years old" for wanting that and now "that I should go marry an investment banker" as my husband cannot afford to buy us a house even with the savings I provide.'
I had wanted lots of children and a full house full of parties and fun and my husband says he does not want to be "a boring suburban dad."

So here we are. Childless. Lower middle class. Forever renters in a tiny apartment.

I am told i need to be thankful and not disrespectful to my husband by asking for more.

I can't even think straight. What did I want that was reasonable and what was too much?

You don't have kids and husband is clearly not meeting your needs so why stay and be miserable. I think you need therapy to work in your depressed and figure out what you want from life.

[Anonymous]

*on your depression

[Anonymous]

As far as being happy in this marriage, it is very much possible if you change your expectations and seek personal and marital counseling. Forget how it should be and accept what it is so you can improve it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there’s literally nothing in this for you. Why are you still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

She does? I'm on this board a lot and this sounds somewhat familiar but I wouldn't have guesses that. Are you sure this isn't just a somewhat common problem?

I'm almost 10 years older than OP and do have a kid, though I have struggled with similar issues off and on -- my DH will claim he has a similar goal to mine but then when push comes to shove he's lazy and will say "nah, we're good in our apartment/with one kid/at this income/etc. it's silly to want more." So I relate to what she's saying, though I've stuck it out and manage to get a lot of what I want out of the marriage even though it often requires me to push DH or stand up to him claiming we're perfectly happy where we are out and say "no I am not happy, I want to make a plan to do X." It's hard but I have gotten better at standing up for myself.

Maybe I just relate to OP even though I'm not in the same situation anymore. I think it can take time to address this because your partner never truly becomes flexible. You always have to push. I don't view divorce as being on the table because we had a kid, so I've had to make it work. I have found happiness, because I've strategically pushed for the things that make me happy. I've let other stuff go.

[Anonymous]

If your husband thinks that only investment bankers have kids and houses, he is completely mistaken.

You could have a house and a baby virtually tomorrow if you and he really wanted to. There are houses you can rent for less than your current apartment. You just have to prioritize it and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think because of low self-esteem I have a hard time understanding what it is that I can or should want and what are things that I am being frivolous about. I guess when I was a child my parents gaslit me a lot and told me my demands were unreasonable or that I should not be feeling what I am feeling. As an adult, I am constantly unsure and do not trust myself.

Anyway, here I am at 37 years old and I find myself in a marriage where almost everything I had aspired to to wanted appear to be unreasonable?
I had wanted intimacy physical and emotional and I am told I am too needy.
I wanted a single family home with 2.5 kids and I was told first that I am acting like I am "40 years old" for wanting that and now "that I should go marry an investment banker" as my husband cannot afford to buy us a house even with the savings I provide.'
I had wanted lots of children and a full house full of parties and fun and my husband says he does not want to be "a boring suburban dad."

So here we are. Childless. Lower middle class. Forever renters in a tiny apartment.

I am told i need to be thankful and not disrespectful to my husband by asking for more.

I can't even think straight. What did I want that was reasonable and what was too much?

My opinion:
1) Child: reasonable. People at all income levels have children. People live in apartments have children. People living in mud huts have children. This is an excellent reason to torch your current life.
2) SFH: unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with raising your kid in an apartment, townhouse, or condo. My townhouse raised kid is perfectly fine. You’d be dumb to torch your life over this one.
3) Intimacy: reasonable. A pretty good reason to torch your current life.

Go for it, OP. They call it match.com for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Successful marriages are ones where partners have shared values and goals. And complimentary personality traits.

It sounds like you two do not have shared values and goals.

In marriage, it doesn't matter so much how you two decide to live your lives as much as it matter that you both agree that is how you should live your life.

Based on what you said two are not compatible. However, you are trying to turn yourself inside out to make yourself fit this incompatible relationship. It would be better if you moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP probably has close to 50 threads with some version of this sob story. Go to therapy or leave him or whatever. But you're waiting on someone else to change your life. It doesn't work like that.

Yes I have read so many of OP’s threads that I don’t even know what to think anymore. She’s so stuck in a terrible loop.

I wrote threads years ago like OP’s that could have been mistaken for hers. Since then I have quadrupled my income, accepted my husband for who he is (a talented academic who will never earn more than 150k), bought a house, had a baby and now have another on the way. I’m 9/10 happy.

Not saying OP’s husband is the one for her, but just making the point that lot’s of people might have written here with similar ruminating stories.

The answer of course is you have to take responsibility for your own life…

[Anonymous]

Don’t let anyone stop you from motherhood. Seriously I recommend stopping contraception. If he withholds or actively protest and fights it, quickly end it and get yourself in a relationship asap or get knocked up. Guerrilla tactics? Yes but you don’t know what you are missing. Men come and go but children are forever. To your original question yes you can be happy as a poor church mouse if you are madly in love. You dont sound it.