Is it possible to be happy in a marriage that doesn't bring you the lifestyle you want?

[Anonymous]

"answer is no"

[Anonymous]

I think you need therapy to cope with your feelings about your parents. You seem to be in a permanent victim mindset and need to empower yourself. I’m not sure why you didn’t discuss kids/suburbs before you married or one/both of you changed your mind? I guess it doesn’t matter now if you want kids and he doesn’t time to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Why do you expect your husband to buy all these things for you? Why can't you have kids in an apartment? Millions of people raise families in apartments.

[Anonymous]

This is me and my husband. We are 35 year old college sweethearts. I love my husband and it hurts that we have different standards for our lives.

I started therapy after failed marriage counseling.

Then someone recommended I read The Alchemist. I listened to the audio book in an day and it just pushed me to make a decision.

I can want a better life or I can go get it.

Now I’m freezing my eggs. Next I’m applying for a job out state! Then I will file for separation.

[Anonymous]

You sound too passive OP.

A home in the DMV is very expensive, you have not explained how much money you BOTH bring in.

If your husband does not give you a vote/voice in your marriage, then it is unhealthy and you should leave.

If you want to be a parent, and your husband refuses to go along, not, then you should leave him and make an alternative plan to reach that goal.

You have the power to change your life. But it is not your husband’s responsibility to achieve your goals.

[Anonymous]

Simple. Get a divorce. You and your husband do not have compatible goals.
Then YOU work in getting a good education and good job and build a career to give you income to buy a house. Then as you increase your social network, you will meet other high aspiring achieving people/men with similar goals

But don’t expect to sit back and have a man provide you a nice house and income enough for a family. It takes 2

[Anonymous]

It’s not relevant whether any of these things is “reasonable”. The responses your husband gave are mean. It is impossible to be happy being married to a mean person. He’s not trying to work with you toward a lifestyle I assume you both knew you wanted? He’s just belittling you for wanting it. Mean and unsuccessful men are a dime a billion out there, leave and find someone who wants to e a team.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should get a job and buy your own home? Why does a man have to provide everything for you as you float around with no thoughts or actions of your own? I do think you need therapy to untangle your childhood, because it is clearly still affecting you today. You need to have some agency in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried swimming or even splashing in the water? DH was similar but once he saw I was playing splashy-splashy (and enjoying it), he decided to flip his own coin and start up a new undertone. YMMV!

What does this mean? Am I missing some innuendo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me and my husband. We are 35 year old college sweethearts. I love my husband and it hurts that we have different standards for our lives.

I started therapy after failed marriage counseling.

Then someone recommended I read The Alchemist. I listened to the audio book in an day and it just pushed me to make a decision.

I can want a better life or I can go get it.

Now I’m freezing my eggs. Next I’m applying for a job out state! Then I will file for separation.

Separate, then freeze eggs.

[Anonymous]

You two are not compatible and it will only get worse. With no kids, renting and likely limited assets a divorce would be very simple. But you have to want it and be prepared to make your way on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried swimming or even splashing in the water? DH was similar but once he saw I was playing splashy-splashy (and enjoying it), he decided to flip his own coin and start up a new undertone. YMMV!

What does this mean? Am I missing some innuendo?

Me, too. What with the water?

[Anonymous]

Obviously the splishing splashing water advice is the best advice but I also agree with posters saying you need to take control of your own life. It sounds like DH doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to work towards the same life you want. You need to have a very blunt conversation about the kid part now. You don’t need to be wealthy or married to an investment banker to have kids so what’s his hesitancy? If this is something he just doesn’t want and something you do, the only option is to separate.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the above.

But I also wonder how much of your narrative of your husband's feedback is you being unreliable.

You say your parents gaslit you when you were a kid, telling you your emotional and other needs were unreasonable.

Now you say your DH is telling you your emotional and other needs are unreasonable.

At some point I'd ask: Are your needs and demands and complaints about life unreasonable? And the people around you are tired of your Debbie downer attitude, where you never just fix things yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think because of low self-esteem I have a hard time understanding what it is that I can or should want and what are things that I am being frivolous about. I guess when I was a child my parents gaslit me a lot and told me my demands were unreasonable or that I should not be feeling what I am feeling. As an adult, I am constantly unsure and do not trust myself.

Anyway, here I am at 37 years old and I find myself in a marriage where almost everything I had aspired to to wanted appear to be unreasonable?
I had wanted intimacy physical and emotional and I am told I am too needy.
I wanted a single family home with 2.5 kids and I was told first that I am acting like I am "40 years old" for wanting that and now "that I should go marry an investment banker" as my husband cannot afford to buy us a house even with the savings I provide.'
I had wanted lots of children and a full house full of parties and fun and my husband says he does not want to be "a boring suburban dad."

So here we are. Childless. Lower middle class. Forever renters in a tiny apartment.

I am told i need to be thankful and not disrespectful to my husband by asking for more.

I can't even think straight. What did I want that was reasonable and what was too much?

Who is telling you to think this or that