Is it possible to be happy in a marriage that doesn't bring you the lifestyle you want?

[Anonymous]

I think because of low self-esteem I have a hard time understanding what it is that I can or should want and what are things that I am being frivolous about. I guess when I was a child my parents gaslit me a lot and told me my demands were unreasonable or that I should not be feeling what I am feeling. As an adult, I am constantly unsure and do not trust myself.

Anyway, here I am at 37 years old and I find myself in a marriage where almost everything I had aspired to to wanted appear to be unreasonable?
I had wanted intimacy physical and emotional and I am told I am too needy.
I wanted a single family home with 2.5 kids and I was told first that I am acting like I am "40 years old" for wanting that and now "that I should go marry an investment banker" as my husband cannot afford to buy us a house even with the savings I provide.'
I had wanted lots of children and a full house full of parties and fun and my husband says he does not want to be "a boring suburban dad."

So here we are. Childless. Lower middle class. Forever renters in a tiny apartment.

I am told i need to be thankful and not disrespectful to my husband by asking for more.

I can't even think straight. What did I want that was reasonable and what was too much?

[Anonymous]

Well, marriage is about compromise.

At any rate, if your lifestyle isn't enough -- you can work to improve it, right? How about you don't "ask" ... you act. Stop thinking about what is reasonable. Start planning how to get what you want. If you want more money, you need to make more money, not rely on DH to do it.

But the real sticking point here is going to be the desire for kids --if you are 37 and want them and DH doesn't, you are going to need to divorce and move on.

[Anonymous]

There are some things that are just gravy, like having extra money. If you were complaining about not being able to afford lavish vacations or private school or something, I would say that maybe you need a shift in perspective.

But you got married with the intent to have a family and a home, which are pretty standard expectations when you get married (it's totally fine for people to decide to be childless, but that's usually known upfront). And your husband has completely flipped the script. He's done a bait and switch.

You can be happy in any situation as long as you are at peace, but why would someone who loves you want you to give up everything you wanted in life? He sounds cruel and uncaring.

You can leave, you know. You have that power. You don't need his permission to walk away.

[Anonymous]

OP I'll make 400K or more this year as the wife and I don't own a SFH here (by choice but also I'd pay 350K for 200 sqft at 8% interest). I'm also suddenly and totally infertile after having had 2 kids that started at age 35. I'm not saying that your wants are unreasonable, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

However, you have a choice. Stay married to this person or not. If my husband truly felt he wanted more kids and it wasn't worth it to stay with me, I would welcome him to leave.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need approval for what you want? You want to be a parent. Go be a parent. You don’t need to convince anyone about that.

Drop the deadbeat spouse and live your life. This isn’t a dress rehearsal.

[Anonymous]

You can create those things for yourself. Dutch the DH, but or rent a small, cozy home, have kids on your own. He’s deadweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll make 400K or more this year as the wife and I don't own a SFH here (by choice but also I'd pay 350K for 200 sqft at 8% interest). I'm also suddenly and totally infertile after having had 2 kids that started at age 35. I'm not saying that your wants are unreasonable, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

However, you have a choice. Stay married to this person or not. If my husband truly felt he wanted more kids and it wasn't worth it to stay with me, I would welcome him to leave.

You are comparing your life -- with income of over 400k and two kids -- to OP's life, where she has no child and is financially struggling. Apples to oranges. Not helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t think your wishes are unreasonable but they are not going to get met in this relationship. It seems like your husband would have to change in every single way, which is not going to happen. You don’t have kids so why do you stay? Often the fear of the unknown is much much worse than the reality. Research has shown this.
I think the big issue is that he doesn’t know how to achieve these things that you want, so he is pretending he doesn’t want them. That seems incompatible. Or he doesn’t want them. That is also incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Do you work? I don’t really think you can complain about having no money if you don’t work. Does your husband want kids? Have you ever had that conversation? Does he want to live in a city and you want to live in the suburbs? Most people I know who got divorced in their 30s has completely different life plans but didn’t bother communicating about it. Sounds a lot like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll make 400K or more this year as the wife and I don't own a SFH here (by choice but also I'd pay 350K for 200 sqft at 8% interest). I'm also suddenly and totally infertile after having had 2 kids that started at age 35. I'm not saying that your wants are unreasonable, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

However, you have a choice. Stay married to this person or not. If my husband truly felt he wanted more kids and it wasn't worth it to stay with me, I would welcome him to leave.

You are comparing your life -- with income of over 400k and two kids -- to OP's life, where she has no child and is financially struggling. Apples to oranges. Not helpful.

You gotta love DCUM for stuff like this. The haves telling the have-nots that “life’s not fair”. So tone deaf and perfectly DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think because of low self-esteem I have a hard time understanding what it is that I can or should want and what are things that I am being frivolous about. I guess when I was a child my parents gaslit me a lot and told me my demands were unreasonable or that I should not be feeling what I am feeling. As an adult, I am constantly unsure and do not trust myself.

Anyway, here I am at 37 years old and I find myself in a marriage where almost everything I had aspired to to wanted appear to be unreasonable?
I had wanted intimacy physical and emotional and I am told I am too needy.
I wanted a single family home with 2.5 kids and I was told first that I am acting like I am "40 years old" for wanting that and now "that I should go marry an investment banker" as my husband cannot afford to buy us a house even with the savings I provide.'
I had wanted lots of children and a full house full of parties and fun and my husband says he does not want to be "a boring suburban dad."

So here we are. Childless. Lower middle class. Forever renters in a tiny apartment.

I am told i need to be thankful and not disrespectful to my husband by asking for more.

I can't even think straight. What did I want that was reasonable and what was too much?

This is a far more intense situation than the general question you described.

[Anonymous]

Freeze your eggs. (Do 2 cycles at your age. Go abroad to Prague if you can’t afford it here.)

Get divorced.

Go to therapy, the gym, the salon etc. Find the right partner and pursue your dreams as a more self-aware, strong, and attractive person.

[Anonymous]

If you want these things, then work to get them. Your husband isn't responsible for making your Disney Princess life come true.

If you're nagging him to provide these things for you, then I understand his responses. However, he does sound like an ass.

I'm guessing neither of you are getting what you want from your marriage, so maybe the best thing to do would be to split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, marriage is about compromise.

At any rate, if your lifestyle isn't enough -- you can work to improve it, right? How about you don't "ask" ... you act. Stop thinking about what is reasonable. Start planning how to get what you want. If you want more money, you need to make more money, not rely on DH to do it.

But the real sticking point here is going to be the desire for kids --if you are 37 and want them and DH doesn't, you are going to need to divorce and move on.

This! You don't need his permission. You need a plan. Make one!

[Anonymous]

The answer OP is now. My friend is getting divorced - his wife filed. She would love a lifestyle writing a mommy blog, co-op in Manhattan, and lunching with her friends at hotspots. Well then, you don't marry an artsy film editor likey friend, you marry a Wall Street honcho. But of course, that honcho is not going to be home by 6PM to watch the kids.