Private school for a "problem" boy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try The Heights.

isn't this the same issue as parochial schools?

No. They would not expel for fighting though they will counsel him through his frustration.

Parochial will expel for fighting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.

OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.

Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.

Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.

OP didn't say DS is violent.

I don't know what a school-based solution looks like, but maybe a therapist and a more supportive environment can make it work.

"...repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him."

True, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're physical. Admittedly, my problems were emotional dysfunction rather than physical aggression, so I can't speak to what schools can do for this child. All I can say is my heart goes out to OP and this child. It's immensely painful to go through life like this.

I cannot think of a boy who fights without getting physical. I feel for him, but I also have my children in private to protect them from kids who might harm them. So.

I guess it's clear I wasn't a boy. I wasn't even expelled or counseled out of my private school, so my experience was obviously very different.

Again, I don't know what OP can or should do here. All I know is that it's important not to put the child in a program that uses abusive tactics.

NP. Got it. Very true. Sorry for your suffering.

OP, maybe ask Jeff to put this on special needs forum. They are known for being incredibly helpful.

This is OP. I am aware there is a special needs forum and I deliberately did not put it there because I am not looking for the whole medical / diagnosis approach here. We have done plenty of that, he’s been seeing psychologists on and off for years. I’m looking to surface private school options I might not have thought of.

I have noticed his emotional control getting steadily better outside of school (basically when I’m with him socially, when he’s with his friends, etc) and if anything worse at school, which is leading me to think about the school environment. Also some evidence that he seems to do better in a more structured classroom.

I am well aware that this is a challenging situation and if people don’t have an answer that’s fine.

Maybe he's entitled to smaller class sizes in the public schools for special needs students. That may well be the right place for him. But fighting isn't okay anywhere.

[Anonymous]

You say "It's also very clear that he benefits from being with a mainstream peer group," but everything else about your post suggests otherwise.

Have you looked into micro schools like Fusion or Templeton Academy?

[Anonymous]

My first thought was Parkmont. I would also look into The Sycamore School in Arlington (I think there’s at least a possibility they’d accept a child with this profile if certain things were put into place and there was a mutual understanding of expectations and what’s realistic). Perhaps The New School of Northern Virginia as well.

Good luck, OP. This sounds like a tough situation and I know you’re doing your best to support your son. A change in environment could make a real difference for him.

[Anonymous]

What about an online school? That way he cannot get kicked out.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on what the psychologists think is driving the frustration tolerance and emotion regulation issues. If you decrease demands, do you see improvement? Maybe Fusion Academy, Parkmont, commonwealth academy, the Newton school?

[Anonymous]

Get him tested
Not Lab or parochial
Maybe Parkmont, Howard Gardner (having so much self-determination might make him feel less stressed and defensive)
Fusion if you can afford it

[Anonymous]

Just make sure that students really get the support they need at Parkmont! I know of smaller schools where they just weaken the expectations for the kids and don't have that many kids so they don't have as many behavior problems, but they're not really developing the kid's skills long-term.

What about a charter school like DCI or Capital City PCS, or Two Rivers? (DCI is hard to get into, I know.) They may have smaller classes and grade size than public schools and there may be fighting, but there's a robust staff of counselors at each that are used to dealing with this type of behavior. You will likely hear some trash talk about all these schools on this forum, but I would consider visiting, at least. Might be a better short-term solution than staying in public school while you help your kid out with external professionals (neuropsych, psychiatrist, etc.)

I'm sorry this is happening. I agree that large schools with lots of online work can be grueling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?

In theory maybe parochial could be good? But we're not really religious and he's not shy about expressing religious skepticism.

But the issue is we can't just stick him into a random private school that seems good in theory and then have them throw him out when he acts up. At least public schools can't do that. We need a school that feels like it can deal with a kid like this.

I would advise staying far away from parochial schools. They are not good for boys or any child that does not behave or does not fit their mold.

Episcopal schools would be “parochial”. Most Episcopal schools are religion-light, odd but true. There are several in Virginia which are small and have good support structures for students. If OP’s DC is being bullied or the root cause is school environment, they might be a good option.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there a reason you are not sharing his diagnosis, if he has one? You mention he’s been seeing psychologists for years. If he does have a diagnosis of some kind, you might want to share, as folks can maybe offer more helpful suggestions.

Academically, where does he fall? If he is very bright, there is likely more hope of admission, but if he is middle of the road, or below grade level, many schools are less forgiving. I’ve seen that a bit in my experience. I have a child with a pretty high IQ and adhd and I notice that he gets a bit more leeway than those with similar diagnosis and behavioral issues but less bright. It’s not fair, but what I’ve seen.

[Anonymous]

Mater Dei for him! It is complete Lord of the Flies there and he could displace some of the other Jacks in that crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not totally clear about everything that’s going on here, but some of the all-boys schools work well with the more typical male propensity to jump into a fight. Boys schools are better with boys. They might run them/keep them very physically active, appeal to their sense of competition, and highly structure the environment. On the other hand, they will also have and enforce high behavioral expectations.

Private schools, all-boys or otherwise, can and will expel boys who continue to misbehave. The key is that an all-boys school is more likely to be successful in getting a difficult boy to behave in the first place. They are more tuned in how to channel their physicality and engage their interest.

I would visit open houses at Landon, Mater Dei, and The Heights. Ask your questions and be honest in 1:1 conversions with the admissions teams. See what they think. See what you think. Your son doesn’t have to be religious at Mater Dei or Heights, but would need to be respectful.

These schools can all be competitive to get into without the issues your son is facing, so keep that in mind, but look around!

Respectful sounds like it would be an issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a reason you are not sharing his diagnosis, if he has one? You mention he’s been seeing psychologists for years. If he does have a diagnosis of some kind, you might want to share, as folks can maybe offer more helpful suggestions.

Academically, where does he fall? If he is very bright, there is likely more hope of admission, but if he is middle of the road, or below grade level, many schools are less forgiving. I’ve seen that a bit in my experience. I have a child with a pretty high IQ and adhd and I notice that he gets a bit more leeway than those with similar diagnosis and behavioral issues but less bright. It’s not fair, but what I’ve seen.

Kid sounds average ant best academically based on the OP.

[Anonymous]

There seems to be a misconception that mainstream private schools are primarily for kids who have special needs and/or behavior issues when this really isn’t the case. Hence, there are now specialized, small private schools specifically for children with learning differences (Lab, Commonwealth), kids that need extreme structure (Fushion), and those for behaviorial concerns (which OP’s child is).

OP, your child does not belong in a mainstream private. This is not the environment for him, it isn’t fair to his needs and you’re completely unrealistic thinking this way. You do in fact need to post in the special needs forum for schools that specialize in his needs. There is nothing wrong with posting there. Posters there will help you much greater than here. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?

In theory maybe parochial could be good? But we're not really religious and he's not shy about expressing religious skepticism.

But the issue is we can't just stick him into a random private school that seems good in theory and then have them throw him out when he acts up. At least public schools can't do that. We need a school that feels like it can deal with a kid like this.

I would advise staying far away from parochial schools. They are not good for boys or any child that does not behave or does not fit their mold.

Episcopal schools would be “parochial”. Most Episcopal schools are religion-light, odd but true. There are several in Virginia which are small and have good support structures for students. If OP’s DC is being bullied or the root cause is school environment, they might be a good option.

No, Episocopal are not parochial. They’re mainstream private (Beauvoir, NCS, St. Albania, St. Patrick’s, SSSAS, St. Andrews, EHS). They’re NOTHING like parochial schools. I went to a K-12 episcopal day school and my kids now go to one. They’re as HUGE difference between NCS and Visi or St. Albans and Gonzaga.