Private school for a "problem" boy

[Anonymous]

Our son is starting public middle school and has repeated disciplinary issues such as getting into fights, including disrupting class by fighting with or confronting other students he feels have disrespected him. He has low frustration tolerance, an explosive temper, and is generally unmotivated academically. At the same time he is sociable, likable when he's not angry, clever verbally, and I know from working with him and from his tests that he has decent academic capacity -- he can at least keep up with grade level and exceed it in some areas if he was better motivated.

There is obviously a whole special needs/medicalization discussion one could have here (and we've been having it) but I'm also concerned the current public school environment is just the wrong environment for him -- fairly large and often chaotic classes, and an academic curriculum that isn't motivating him (e.g. he hates clicking through computer / web site based exercises and theres a ton of that where we are). He's expressed to me that he finds school very stressful ("I can handle my emotions, but not at school). It's also very clear that he benefits from being with a mainstream peer group.

It used to be that there were some private schools that could handle "problem" boys like this. I'm not sure such a thing exists any longer. Are there any private schools out there that don't steer clear of intelligent kids with "behavior issues" but actually handle them well? I handle him every day at home and know it's possible.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?

[Anonymous]

He needs a neuropsych and one that specializes in more help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?

In theory maybe parochial could be good? But we're not really religious and he's not shy about expressing religious skepticism.

But the issue is we can't just stick him into a random private school that seems good in theory and then have them throw him out when he acts up. At least public schools can't do that. We need a school that feels like it can deal with a kid like this.

[Anonymous]

Right on all fronts. I'm empathetic - we went through a different but not entirely different journey with our HS senior. After trying the private thing, he eventually returned to public and thrived to the point that he's already got a portfolio of Top 100 colleges. I say this not to flex, but to give a bit of compassion to what I know is a difficult experience.

To echo the previous posters, privates have lower tolerance than publics because they can. Talk to the folks at Lab and see what they think. You might always want to talk to external counselors (School Counseling Group, for example). These are expensive choices, for sure, but you may get comfort in know that others have been through it.

[Anonymous]

What about The Lab School?

[Anonymous]

OP unfortunately I think the behavior issues might be a barrier to admission at mainstream private schools. Maybe look at Parkmont?

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.

[Anonymous]

Landon has taken boys like that from our K-8 private. The structure of the day there is really well set up for boys. They will expect an improvement or he won't last there either though.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why PPs suggested parochial. My experience is that parochial might be a little more forgiving/sympathetic than an independent private, but they can and will expel for behavioral issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, many private schools have a lower tolerance for problem behavior than do public schools. But he may indeed benefit from smaller class sizes. Maybe a parochial school?

In theory maybe parochial could be good? But we're not really religious and he's not shy about expressing religious skepticism.

But the issue is we can't just stick him into a random private school that seems good in theory and then have them throw him out when he acts up. At least public schools can't do that. We need a school that feels like it can deal with a kid like this.

You need teacher recommendations to get into schools. Your child won’t be accepted if they have been proven to be a discipline problem.

[Anonymous]

Not sure about the schools, but you should definitely bring him to a psychiatrist if you haven't already. You want to figure out the root of the problem and treat it medically if possible. There are lots of meds that can help these behaviors. Sometimes I think that when kids are having trouble, public is better for them because of the large size/relative anonymity. Small schools can be really tough (and, as other PPs have noted, may have less tolerance for the behaviors). The schools that will tolerate the behaviors are unlikely to be small mainstream schools and you mentioned the understandable desire to keep him around mainstream peers. Best of luck to you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.

OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.

Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a military academy ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a boarding school for problem youth solution.

OP, I don't recommend doing this. They're ultimately short-term remedies, and the kids who go through them often come out with more problems than before.

Disclosure: I survived one of these programs in the 2000s. I was used an example of someone who did "well" in the program, but it left lasting trauma that I'm still discussing in therapy many years later.

Never said I recommended it. I meant no one else will take a violent child.