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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here just checking in. I’m doing so much better than I was when I posted this. So much so that it’s perplexing to me that in October I actually thought I was out of the depressive episode. I definitely wasn’t. I am better now than I’ve ever been, thanks to finally finding the right combination of drugs and making some huge life changes (quit my job in January and still not working full time which is hard financially but the time off has been such a gift). I also finally (after years of everyone telling me to try it and even trying it) have gotten into mindfulness (specifically Pema Chodron), and I’m spending more time outdoors and walking. I’ve lost 20 lbs. I’m reading books again and listening to audio books all the time and I have never felt this way before.

I used to spend nearly all my time and energy on what I called “problem solving”-basically finding ways to change my external circumstances to hopefully make my life feel more manageable.

I’m finally at a point where I’m better inside and so I feel much less concerned with controlling and changing everything externally.  I have a peace and confidence knowing I can handle whatever comes. I am less afraid.

And this is all happening at a time when my son is sick (a big part of what drove me to despair and I believed I needed to make him better so I could feel better). Well, he’s not better and he may never be better. He might even die. And also he might not. He’s 5. I am finally ok though. I’m so thankful to have him and to love him, whatever comes next.

I do still feel a sense of horror/shame/sorrow when I remember how I was a year ago (June 2023). It’s so weird because i knew I was very unwell, and in October I thought I was better, but it’s only now that I can really fully understand how unwell I was and how disordered my thinking was.

I am so happy I stayed. I am so glad to be alive. Really and truly. It crushes me to think of missing out on this hard and beautiful life I have. And I came so so so so close to dying. I couldn’t know the things I see now.[/quote]

Immediate PP here. Glad you are still earthside! Have you also discussed your suicidality with your providers and spouse? [/quote]

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