How do so many nice couples end up with dud adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 brothers that are all duds. There is probably a thread of mental illness but they were all raised to believe they were better than everyone else. Parents provided nice clothes, cars and furnishings but they are all empty suits with big egos.

There may be mental illness etc ... but at the private school I attended most of the people who ended up as "duds" were average students whose parents were very successful, and the kids had access to a lot of money, newish cars, all the clothes they wanted. Didn't have to work, tended to be able to afford to do drugs and drink more, and had super high opinions of themselves.

Oh I see now. This had nothing to do with the actual question in the OP and was really just a sad, passive-aggressive vehicle for you to assert your purported superiority over the cool kids who didn’t like you in HS.

Yes. Many of them are duds. Being a middle-aged woman who needs validation from anonymous strangers that your HS nemeses are losers is running neck and neck with “dud” for exactly what no one wants to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does dud even mean? It seems like living with your parents might say more about the cost of housing than anything else. In many European countries it’s common to live with your parents into your 30s.

OP here. He's in his 40's and doesn't have a job or appear to be looking for one. He sleeps past 10am every day, spends hours just sitting in his car (no clue why) and seems to only leave to pickup takeout. There was a health issue with his dad recently and he had NO IDEA where his mom was or how to get ahold of her even though she has significant dementia and doesn't drive. A neighbor and I were there assisting the dad (we called 911 for him) and he was NO help with the paramedics questions even though he's been living there for probably 6 months now. The neighbor and I knew more than he did. A dud.

So, he has some behaviors that are atypical, you don't understand them, he lacks awareness/knowledge of basic things someone living in a communal household should know - and you assume he's a "dud", that he chooses to be like he is.....Where was he living before he moved back in with his parents? If he's in his 40s, he was living somewhere....what changed?

You suck.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness
Addiction
Burnout
Helicopter/snowplow/otherwise infantilizing or accommodating parents
Failure to teach basic life skills
Kids never had to go without anything so they don't want to start now
Everyone actually likes the multi generational household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does dud even mean? It seems like living with your parents might say more about the cost of housing than anything else. In many European countries it’s common to live with your parents into your 30s.

OP here. He's in his 40's and doesn't have a job or appear to be looking for one. He sleeps past 10am every day, spends hours just sitting in his car (no clue why) and seems to only leave to pickup takeout. There was a health issue with his dad recently and he had NO IDEA where his mom was or how to get ahold of her even though she has significant dementia and doesn't drive. A neighbor and I were there assisting the dad (we called 911 for him) and he was NO help with the paramedics questions even though he's been living there for probably 6 months now. The neighbor and I knew more than he did. A dud.

He doesn’t sound like “a dud”. That man sounds like he has mental illness.

[Anonymous]

In our family this is all mental illness, sometimes very invisible or well hidden mental illness to the outside. I consider addiction a mental illness too.

It’s actually best that lower functioning people decline to get married, when the duds in my family move out and get married it is absolutely catastrophic for everyone involved, including their hapless parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does dud even mean? It seems like living with your parents might say more about the cost of housing than anything else. In many European countries it’s common to live with your parents into your 30s.

OP here. He's in his 40's and doesn't have a job or appear to be looking for one. He sleeps past 10am every day, spends hours just sitting in his car (no clue why) and seems to only leave to pickup takeout. There was a health issue with his dad recently and he had NO IDEA where his mom was or how to get ahold of her even though she has significant dementia and doesn't drive. A neighbor and I were there assisting the dad (we called 911 for him) and he was NO help with the paramedics questions even though he's been living there for probably 6 months now. The neighbor and I knew more than he did. A dud.

He doesn’t sound like “a dud”. That man sounds like he has mental illness.

Then he shouldn't be driving. If he can't even remember basic information about the mother he lives with who is unwell, he is not safe to operate a motor vehicle. And if he IS safe to operate a motor vehicle, why can't he door dash or uber? Or drive for laser ship or anything. He can carry on a conversation, he just doesn't GAF. Thankfully the other son eventually showed up and now has been staying there.

[Anonymous]

Because “nice” does not equate to “effective parenting.”

Do you get that, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds. Under or unemployed, living at home, sleeping in, don't help around the house, don't help their aging parents and are just a complete burden to their parents, siblings, and society. How does this happen? And how do we avoid it happening? Its impossible to picture now, but I'm guessing there was a time these parents couldn't picture it either.

(My post is prompted by my sweet neighbors who it turns out have been living with undiagnosed dementia and their total dud adult son has been living with them for months and "didn't notice anything" and is completely useless. There was a very dangerous situation recently where everything ended up mostly okay but still...)

I suppose my idea of a dud is more broad. Suppose you gave birth to Donald Trump for example. I would consider myself a failure.

Point is you don't know anyone situation unless you are living in the house.

Today Covid has really changed things and some people are giving their neurotypical kids extra time.

This post seems mean. Just another way to blame parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does dud even mean? It seems like living with your parents might say more about the cost of housing than anything else. In many European countries it’s common to live with your parents into your 30s.

OP here. He's in his 40's and doesn't have a job or appear to be looking for one. He sleeps past 10am every day, spends hours just sitting in his car (no clue why) and seems to only leave to pickup takeout. There was a health issue with his dad recently and he had NO IDEA where his mom was or how to get ahold of her even though she has significant dementia and doesn't drive. A neighbor and I were there assisting the dad (we called 911 for him) and he was NO help with the paramedics questions even though he's been living there for probably 6 months now. The neighbor and I knew more than he did. A dud.

He doesn’t sound like “a dud”. That man sounds like he has mental illness.

Then he shouldn't be driving. If he can't even remember basic information about the mother he lives with who is unwell, he is not safe to operate a motor vehicle. And if he IS safe to operate a motor vehicle, why can't he door dash or uber? Or drive for laser ship or anything. He can carry on a conversation, he just doesn't GAF. Thankfully the other son eventually showed up and now has been staying there.

In what state does the drivers license exam have questions about one's mother?

Your full of opinions and judgment, aren't you? A regular neighborhood busy body.

[Anonymous]

OP be careful about being so judgmental. You don't know the family dynamics and seemingly nice parents can refuse to accept and properly treat their own mental health issues and those in their children or they refuse to accept learning disabilities.

Also, my sister was like you OP. So judgmental of her friends' kids-now adults if they didn't launch perfectly. She had her child later and is still parenting. My highly accomplished sister is now divorced (had child on her own post divorce with sperm donor), unemployed (her arrogance caught up with her and she was finally terminated), bitter and allowing our elderly parent to pay her bills so she doesn't have to go into her retirement savings or drain her emergency funds too. She still has to pay an after school nanny so she can job hunt and she can't seem to give up the maid and other luxuries. She is not very employable anymore despite all her fancy degrees and accomplishments because of her attitude.

So she launched and is now back to having mommy support her financially. Her son is having all sorts of mental health issues because my sister cannot handle anything but perfection and keeping up appearances. The fact my sister was so judgmental of everyone around her was a sign of her own mental health issues. Now she is falling apart because she has become one of the people she judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP be careful about being so judgmental. You don't know the family dynamics and seemingly nice parents can refuse to accept and properly treat their own mental health issues and those in their children or they refuse to accept learning disabilities.

Also, my sister was like you OP. So judgmental of her friends' kids-now adults if they didn't launch perfectly. She had her child later and is still parenting. My highly accomplished sister is now divorced (had child on her own post divorce with sperm donor), unemployed (her arrogance caught up with her and she was finally terminated), bitter and allowing our elderly parent to pay her bills so she doesn't have to go into her retirement savings or drain her emergency funds too. She still has to pay an after school nanny so she can job hunt and she can't seem to give up the maid and other luxuries. She is not very employable anymore despite all her fancy degrees and accomplishments because of her attitude.

So she launched and is now back to having mommy support her financially. Her son is having all sorts of mental health issues because my sister cannot handle anything but perfection and keeping up appearances. The fact my sister was so judgmental of everyone around her was a sign of her own mental health issues. Now she is falling apart because she has become one of the people she judged.

Also, OP, my parents were judgmental like you too. Now my elderly mother hangs her head in shame and disbelief that she has a judgmental daughter who has no way to make an income, a child to support and a fancy lifestyle she cannot afford. The best thing you can do is focus on being a good person yourself, figuring out who your kids are-enjoying and noticing their strengths and getting proper help for their struggles. Live with grace and compassion, not nastiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds. Under or unemployed, living at home, sleeping in, don't help around the house, don't help their aging parents and are just a complete burden to their parents, siblings, and society. How does this happen? And how do we avoid it happening? Its impossible to picture now, but I'm guessing there was a time these parents couldn't picture it either.

(My post is prompted by my sweet neighbors who it turns out have been living with undiagnosed dementia and their total dud adult son has been living with them for months and "didn't notice anything" and is completely useless. There was a very dangerous situation recently where everything ended up mostly okay but still...)

I suppose my idea of a dud is more broad. Suppose you gave birth to Donald Trump for example. I would consider myself a failure.

Point is you don't know anyone situation unless you are living in the house.

Today Covid has really changed things and some people are giving their neurotypical kids extra time.

This post seems mean. Just another way to blame parents.

This. I consider raising a mean-spirited person a complete failure. It is incredibly common for loved ones to miss dementia. My mom did in my dad, my siblings missed it in my mother. People go into denial all the time. Op, please get help to figure out why you need to be obsessed with other people's lives. OP, there is a darkness inside you that will grow if you don't address it. I wonder if your loved ones notice or if they have missed it or afraid to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 brothers that are all duds. There is probably a thread of mental illness but they were all raised to believe they were better than everyone else. Parents provided nice clothes, cars and furnishings but they are all empty suits with big egos.

Why do you think that you turned out differently? Did your parents teach you different values?

[Anonymous]

There are many reasons but in HHI homes many kids get spoiled and have helicopter parents. When they graduate with low value degrees their parents subsidize them and when they hit 30 they end up as dud children. Sadly, I see it with some of my siblings kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HHmmmm. I have to wonder about your community and social groups. The only people I know whose kids struggle like you describe have mental/substance abuse issues. Of course, there's more than one family that isn't as 'nice' as some think they are which explains why some of them have mental/substance abuse issues.

MYOB and stop judging others. It's not a good look and your 'superior' parenting isn't as superior as you think it is.

You're disgusting.