How do so many nice couples end up with dud adult children?

[Anonymous]

Affluenza.

Also, the "nice couples" probably never learned how to say no to their kids.

It's an epidemic around here. They aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, it's almost always due to untreated ADHD or ASD.

“Untreated ADHD” is such a cop out and lame excuse.

[Anonymous]

The answer is probably a little bit of everything said on here. I do know of such a family whose college grad son is still living in the basement 10+ years out of college. Yes, in the actual basement. It is a subject of many conversations among the family friends and relatives.

It's easier for families to mollycoddle adult children these days. In the past people had to work or they effectively starved, but at the same time it was also easier to get a low level job and survive on it, having a very simple but decent and uncomplicated life.

And as my mother says, hard work is a great treatment for getting through whatever issues you have. The explosion of "mental" issues doubtlessly derives from our society's willingness to enable these beliefs by allowing such people to avoid working and to live off SSDI or family support, which in turn worsens these beliefs and damages the person in the long run. In the past, the family would just force the person to work in the fields or get a job at a factory and the routine of physical work day in and day out does provide a structure that allows people to deal with their problems and get on with life.

[Anonymous]

Ah, the parent of young ones who thinks "it" will never happen to them because they are just a better person...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, it's almost always due to untreated ADHD or ASD.

“Untreated ADHD” is such a cop out and lame excuse.

I used to think like you until i became close to one of my relatives. He is always offering to help but cannot see anything through. When you talk to him you can see his eyes wandering: you can almost feel how he is struggling with a million thoughts at the same time. His mind is raising 24/7.

Unfortunately, the parents denied the ADHD diagnoses until he was 17. He just struggled and struggled until he no longer cared that his other siblings are very successful and he can't even finish college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, the parent of young ones who thinks "it" will never happen to them because they are just a better person...

You forgot they're also superior parents....

[Anonymous]

Mental illnesses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illnesses

Why is this always the go-to answer? I don't think the number of mental health cases has increased over the years. Awareness and diagnoses, yes. I think wealth is the key, esp. on this forum. Years ago, people with mental health issues didn't have parents with the wealth to support them enough to stay at home indefinitely. The expectation was for children to grow up and leave home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds. Under or unemployed, living at home, sleeping in, don't help around the house, don't help their aging parents and are just a complete burden to their parents, siblings, and society. How does this happen? And how do we avoid it happening? Its impossible to picture now, but I'm guessing there was a time these parents couldn't picture it either.

(My post is prompted by my sweet neighbors who it turns out have been living with undiagnosed dementia and their total dud adult son has been living with them for months and "didn't notice anything" and is completely useless. There was a very dangerous situation recently where everything ended up mostly okay but still...)

Too coddled
Too spoiled
Unmanaged mental disorders
Unintelligent
Lazy
Lack of achievable goals

All of the above.

I understand that you can’t help how ignorant you are, but you should probably refrain from putting it on full display.

-FT employed, happily married homeowner with kids, and no, I’m not a “dud,” so don’t bother with the predictable childish clapback

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, it's almost always due to untreated ADHD or ASD.

“Untreated ADHD” is such a cop out and lame excuse.

Oh, you’re dumb. That’s sad.

[Anonymous]

This is why as a special needs parent I have needed to develop thick skin and make self care a necessity. There is so much ignorance and judgment. Despite getting countless hours of therapies for my child since toddlerhood and finding the right programs, and social skills groups and getting an IEP and hiring an advocate as needed and doing backflips to help him reach his potential there is the chance ina dulthood he might be what some of you consider a dud. Luckily my husband I love him unconditionally. He may just work part time or struggle with jobs. He may or may not make it through college. He may need to live with us for a long time. There will be many bumps and there have been many bumps already.

I have learned to give grace, enjoy the small things and protect myself and care for myself because as this thread further supports....the world can be incredibly cruel and ruthless. Be careful though. I know partners in lawfirms, VPs in Finance, and Doctors who rose up and took horrible tumbles into job loss, legal woes, and even jail time.

Count your blessings and wish people well. Focus on how YOU can be a better person and please stop judging your neighbor's kids. Every life has value and meaning. No matter where my child ends up in adulthood he has a beautiful heart. He would never judge you as harshly as you seem to judge him.

[Anonymous]

That’s great PP. Yes, certain profiles of people need to live close to home or at their parent’s home for many decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why as a special needs parent I have needed to develop thick skin and make self care a necessity. There is so much ignorance and judgment. Despite getting countless hours of therapies for my child since toddlerhood and finding the right programs, and social skills groups and getting an IEP and hiring an advocate as needed and doing backflips to help him reach his potential there is the chance ina dulthood he might be what some of you consider a dud. Luckily my husband I love him unconditionally. He may just work part time or struggle with jobs. He may or may not make it through college. He may need to live with us for a long time. There will be many bumps and there have been many bumps already.

I have learned to give grace, enjoy the small things and protect myself and care for myself because as this thread further supports....the world can be incredibly cruel and ruthless. Be careful though. I know partners in lawfirms, VPs in Finance, and Doctors who rose up and took horrible tumbles into job loss, legal woes, and even jail time.

Count your blessings and wish people well. Focus on how YOU can be a better person and please stop judging your neighbor's kids. Every life has value and meaning. No matter where my child ends up in adulthood he has a beautiful heart. He would never judge you as harshly as you seem to judge him.

No one’s judging here.
The question was a failure to launch (ie dud) one and there are several common drivers of that, whether people want to admit it or not.

When I learn of a 40 yo long term living in their parent’s house I assume it’s one of those and move on to discuss or do other things that I’m there to do. If they are having an emergency or need something and open up about it, I’ll help as I can.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer is probably a little bit of everything said on here. I do know of such a family whose college grad son is still living in the basement 10+ years out of college. Yes, in the actual basement. It is a subject of many conversations among the family friends and relatives.

It's easier for families to mollycoddle adult children these days. In the past people had to work or they effectively starved, but at the same time it was also easier to get a low level job and survive on it, having a very simple but decent and uncomplicated life.

And as my mother says, hard work is a great treatment for getting through whatever issues you have. The explosion of "mental" issues doubtlessly derives from our society's willingness to enable these beliefs by allowing such people to avoid working and to live off SSDI or family support, which in turn worsens these beliefs and damages the person in the long run. In the past, the family would just force the person to work in the fields or get a job at a factory and the routine of physical work day in and day out does provide a structure that allows people to deal with their problems and get on with life.

You sound proud that you and other “family and friends” gossip about this person. How…unbecoming.