How do so many nice couples end up with dud adult children?

[Anonymous]

We know several high achieving parents who pushed their kids and the kids may have gone to a good college or average college but have absolutely no idea or passion for a job.

I have 3 kids. 1 kid is a total go getter. Middle is a total slacker. Third is too young to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many reasons but in HHI homes many kids get spoiled and have helicopter parents. When they graduate with low value degrees their parents subsidize them and when they hit 30 they end up as dud children. Sadly, I see it with some of my siblings kids.

This is my experience, too. Educated parents raising kids who are simply not as exceptional as they expected their children to be. Kids who should have been directed toward trades or other lower-level type work are pushed to go to grad school when they can't get a "respectable" job out of college, because the parents simply can't imagine their kid not being a C-suite exec at 30.

I have one friend whose 27-year-old has a business-related job that's OK but hardly impressive. She really wants him to quit and go to grad school for an MBA, when the kid barely made it out of college. The kid also STILL has no idea what he "wants to be when he grows up." And while he finally moved out at age 26, he's comes back "home" pretty much 3 days out of 5. His dad takes his car to get the oil changed. His back account is linked to his parents. He's still basically a child in their eyes.

It's a systemic problem.

[Anonymous]

I’m probably considered a “dud” to most of DCUM. I’m 32, have a bachelors degree, but have never really held down a job for more than a few years. However, I’m a first generation college student and graduate. I was sexually abused as a young child for years by older cousins and my parents had me relatively young and were (and still are) emotionally immature.

I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a mood disorder in my mid-late 20s.

I wish I would have got help sooner; I think I would have achieved more. I spent my teens and 20s literally paralyzed by fear and shame. Unfortunately, my parents were uneducated, poor, and don’t “believe” in psychiatry. I don’t blame them for how I turned out. They did the best they could with what they had. I’m currently a married SAHM and I’m happy for once in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We know several high achieving parents who pushed their kids and the kids may have gone to a good college or average college but have absolutely no idea or passion for a job.

I have 3 kids. 1 kid is a total go getter. Middle is a total slacker. Third is too young to tell.

Middle is subconsciously avoiding competition with eldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably considered a “dud” to most of DCUM. I’m 32, have a bachelors degree, but have never really held down a job for more than a few years. However, I’m a first generation college student and graduate. I was sexually abused as a young child for years by older cousins and my parents had me relatively young and were (and still are) emotionally immature.

I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a mood disorder in my mid-late 20s.

I wish I would have got help sooner; I think I would have achieved more. I spent my teens and 20s literally paralyzed by fear and shame. Unfortunately, my parents were uneducated, poor, and don’t “believe” in psychiatry. I don’t blame them for how I turned out. They did the best they could with what they had. I’m currently a married SAHM and I’m happy for once in my life.

That sounds awful. Glad you persevered and have found happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is all mental illness, the so-called invisible ones. ADHD, ASD, depression, bipolar disorders, anxiety. Usually the adults who are not functional don't just have one of these but several. Comorbidities are frequent, and they are genetically inherited, but perhaps the parents you know are not as affected. Due to gene reassortment, it's possible for their offspring to be more impacted.


You're just noticing now because:

1. Your age. People around you are aging, and their adult children are not that young, so it's becoming apparent.

2. Fewer social taboos around failure: previously families sought to hide this. Thankfully that is less the case, and it's a good thing, because those who really want it can seek help and government services.


There is still so much disparagement of people with these invisible special needs, as evidenced by this thread.


- parent of an ADHD/ASD/OCD young adult. I hope my son will be reasonably functional, but I can see how a slightly more severe form of his profile, or a worsening of his own mental health, could lead to a life of dependency. I have mild ADHD, my husband has a more functioning version of his son's profile.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

We have one in our neighborhood. The son has serious mental health issues. When they developed, I don't know. But it took a happy empty nester couple and has wrecked havoc on their lives.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]We have one in our neighborhood. The son has serious mental health issues. When they developed, I don't know. But it took a happy empty nester couple and has wrecked havoc on their lives. [/quote]

There's more than one. Parents often don't talk about their struggling children. My friend has an adult son who quietly transferred from a 4 year to community college. He was a commuter student before so still living at home. Looks completely normal but suffering from social anxiety and won't participate in most family outings. Developed this in late teens/early 20s.

[Anonymous]

I think it's harder now than it used to be for folks with limited motivation, skills, and stamina. When it was easier to have a middle class lifestyle on a single salary, women who didn't want to work could get married and keep house (maybe not very well). Men could work in a factory or something else very structured and unchanging, with a simpler application process and less education needed. And they didn't have to do much around the house because their wife did it...and they didn't have to struggle to find a wife because women had fewer options (it was harder to be single or lesbian) and lower expectations for how men would act.

So the folks who look like duds today still existed back then, but it was easier for them to appear functional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably considered a “dud” to most of DCUM. I’m 32, have a bachelors degree, but have never really held down a job for more than a few years. However, I’m a first generation college student and graduate. I was sexually abused as a young child for years by older cousins and my parents had me relatively young and were (and still are) emotionally immature.

I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a mood disorder in my mid-late 20s.

I wish I would have got help sooner; I think I would have achieved more. I spent my teens and 20s literally paralyzed by fear and shame. Unfortunately, my parents were uneducated, poor, and don’t “believe” in psychiatry. I don’t blame them for how I turned out. They did the best they could with what they had. I’m currently a married SAHM and I’m happy for once in my life.

I'm sorry to say that some people definitely think you're a dud - but, really, what should their opinions matter. Many of us know the impact of trauama and mental health challenges. I hope you're can see the 99 things you're doing well/right and not the 1 that could have been different/better. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds. Under or unemployed, living at home, sleeping in, don't help around the house, don't help their aging parents and are just a complete burden to their parents, siblings, and society. How does this happen? And how do we avoid it happening? Its impossible to picture now, but I'm guessing there was a time these parents couldn't picture it either.

(My post is prompted by my sweet neighbors who it turns out have been living with undiagnosed dementia and their total dud adult son has been living with them for months and "didn't notice anything" and is completely useless. There was a very dangerous situation recently where everything ended up mostly okay but still...)

Too coddled
Too spoiled
Unmanaged mental disorders
Unintelligent
Lazy
Lack of achievable goals

All of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's harder now than it used to be for folks with limited motivation, skills, and stamina. When it was easier to have a middle class lifestyle on a single salary, women who didn't want to work could get married and keep house (maybe not very well). Men could work in a factory or something else very structured and unchanging, with a simpler application process and less education needed. And they didn't have to do much around the house because their wife did it...and they didn't have to struggle to find a wife because women had fewer options (it was harder to be single or lesbian) and lower expectations for how men would act.

So the folks who look like duds today still existed back then, but it was easier for them to appear functional.

I think the opposite.

More duds - due to easy computer/tech/app life- are breeding more duds.

Before the dud wouldn’t have graduated college or gotten a computer work from home job, never talking with people. Now they do!

So some women think it’s some nice guy with no life but good at work, marries him, they have a kid, and he goes bonkers trying to get away from them all. Can’t handle it. Unmasked.

And the kid inherits all the disorders.

[Anonymous]

I’m a dcum “dud” child of privilege but I’m perfectly happy (or as happy as anyone can expect to be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's harder now than it used to be for folks with limited motivation, skills, and stamina. When it was easier to have a middle class lifestyle on a single salary, women who didn't want to work could get married and keep house (maybe not very well). Men could work in a factory or something else very structured and unchanging, with a simpler application process and less education needed. And they didn't have to do much around the house because their wife did it...and they didn't have to struggle to find a wife because women had fewer options (it was harder to be single or lesbian) and lower expectations for how men would act.

So the folks who look like duds today still existed back then, but it was easier for them to appear functional.

+1

Very true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's harder now than it used to be for folks with limited motivation, skills, and stamina. When it was easier to have a middle class lifestyle on a single salary, women who didn't want to work could get married and keep house (maybe not very well). Men could work in a factory or something else very structured and unchanging, with a simpler application process and less education needed. And they didn't have to do much around the house because their wife did it...and they didn't have to struggle to find a wife because women had fewer options (it was harder to be single or lesbian) and lower expectations for how men would act.

So the folks who look like duds today still existed back then, but it was easier for them to appear functional.

I think the opposite.

More duds - due to easy computer/tech/app life- are breeding more duds.

Before the dud wouldn’t have graduated college or gotten a computer work from home job, never talking with people. Now they do!

So some women think it’s some nice guy with no life but good at work, marries him, they have a kid, and he goes bonkers trying to get away from them all. Can’t handle it. Unmasked.

And the kid inherits all the disorders.

I think both are true. Pre-technology and technology itself both allow for people to hide out, passing for regular until family passes/life changes happen and then the lack of resilience comes out dramatically. These people used to be called 'weird' or 'nerdy'. Now it has a name- if diagnosed.