How do so many nice couples end up with dud adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does dud even mean? It seems like living with your parents might say more about the cost of housing than anything else. In many European countries it’s common to live with your parents into your 30s.

OP here. He's in his 40's and doesn't have a job or appear to be looking for one. He sleeps past 10am every day, spends hours just sitting in his car (no clue why) and seems to only leave to pickup takeout. There was a health issue with his dad recently and he had NO IDEA where his mom was or how to get ahold of her even though she has significant dementia and doesn't drive. A neighbor and I were there assisting the dad (we called 911 for him) and he was NO help with the paramedics questions even though he's been living there for probably 6 months now. The neighbor and I knew more than he did. A dud.

OP didn't really phrase the topic to address the situation. Elderly neighbors have dementia, the son moved in with them recently, and is not providing adequate supervision. OP and another neighbor [2 neighbor households] were in the house to assist.

The male neighbor with dementia could not call 9 1 1 unassisted and the female with significant dementia was where? Maybe OP and the other neighbor do 1 or more in house checks on them daily? Wonder of 1st responders asked why and how 2 sets of neighbors were in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family, it's almost always due to untreated ADHD or ASD.

“Untreated ADHD” is such a cop out and lame excuse.

I used to think like you until i became close to one of my relatives. He is always offering to help but cannot see anything through. When you talk to him you can see his eyes wandering: you can almost feel how he is struggling with a million thoughts at the same time. His mind is raising 24/7.

Unfortunately, the parents denied the ADHD diagnoses until he was 17. He just struggled and struggled until he no longer cared that his other siblings are very successful and he can't even finish college.

I will never know why society keeps pushing college or even high school. It's not for everyone. They are both hard depending on the school. They are hard for a regular kid. Why do it to people who already struggle in life with other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regression to the mean.

I came on to post this. I have a doctoral degree and hang out with science prize winners regularly. Yes, some produce more MD-PhDs but so many don't. It's crazy. FF to my life. My children, somehow, have learning disabilities. No idea what will become of them but doubt it will be a path familiar to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Came to update for anyone who cares that adult son has been AWOL - not sure if he moved out or is just out of town or what - and professional care has been put in place for the elderly couple in their home. Other son came to town and set it all up. I don't see how they can stay in the house long-term, even with help, but maybe they are just on a waiting list somewhere. They are fortunate to have at least one competent child, too bad he lives out of town. Getting old stinks.

[Anonymous]

Oh no! He sleeps in! I would bet he has a mental illness, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Came to update for anyone who cares that adult son has been AWOL - not sure if he moved out or is just out of town or what - and professional care has been put in place for the elderly couple in their home. Other son came to town and set it all up. I don't see how they can stay in the house long-term, even with help, but maybe they are just on a waiting list somewhere. They are fortunate to have at least one competent child, too bad he lives out of town. Getting old stinks.

Thanks for the update. I posted at 7:47 today. None of our parents had dementia but 1 was in assisted living and we saw some sad dementia progression in some other residents. Had to be moved to SNF- skilled nursing faciities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are too hard on yourself. Owning a business and making 6 figures before 40 is great. You struggled and are overcoming challenges. You should be proud of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are lucky you have a net to fall back on and that your parents had a house you could reside in. If you didn't, your life would have looked much different- you never tried to hold down a job?? Seriously?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are too hard on yourself. Owning a business and making 6 figures before 40 is great. You struggled and are overcoming challenges. You should be proud of yourself.

PP never even attempting to have a job. Never even tried!!! That’s hardly “overcoming.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are too hard on yourself. Owning a business and making 6 figures before 40 is great. You struggled and are overcoming challenges. You should be proud of yourself.

PP never even attempting to have a job. Never even tried!!! That’s hardly “overcoming.”

Oh, zip it, Linda. And pipe down with the Boomer-esque (no, I don’t care about your actual chronological age, so don’t bother) hysterical multiple exclamation points. DP.

[Anonymous]

The ability to live independently or not is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ability to live independently or not is a big deal.

And it can have little to do with SAT s chores, academic grades, or income.

I know some brilliant workers who make good incomes; their home and personal lives are a huge mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between neighbors, family friends, siblings of friends on both mine and DH's side we can think of so many examples of nice, educated, well-off couples that have one, if not multiple, adult children who are complete duds.

This is the issue. It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing to fail to teach your child manners and responsibility. Often it's because the parents are too nice, and they pamper their children without imposing responsibilities on them so that they learn there is an expectation of responsibility. The majority of the failure to launch children that I've seen come from families where the parents have always done everything for the children, have not imposed any household responsibilities on the children and have not given an expectations of what they are supposed to do. So, in effect, the parents are too nice.

Bingo. It is somewhat rare to find HS kids working these days. They’re out there, but many also go on “learning experiences” or “missions” over the summer, along with multiple vacations. People at the community pool were surprised when we made our kids start working at 14 or 15, whenever they could get hired. Our kids also have or had chores and we didn’t but them everything they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are too hard on yourself. Owning a business and making 6 figures before 40 is great. You struggled and are overcoming challenges. You should be proud of yourself.

PP never even attempting to have a job. Never even tried!!! That’s hardly “overcoming.”

PP here. Who cares about a job? Making $150k as a small business owner is, in most cases, more useful for the world and life affirming than making it doing TPS reports for globo corp (or the government for that matter). Ask me how I know.

Overcoming was overcoming mental health challenges early in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m one of the dud children – I’m 39 and live with my parents.

Very smart – 1550 SATs – but it all fell apart in college. I couldn’t get out of bed and was diagnosed with everything up to and including schizophrenia. I never took any medication but also could never hold down a job (actually, never even tried).

I eventually started a little business to at least earn some money. For many years I earned like $50K. Recently, I’ve been able to grow the business and now make over $150K. Fortunately, when you don’t have any expenses, you can still save a ton even on a low income.

Not sure if I’d be considered a dud anymore though I still live with my parents, but that’s my story.

You are too hard on yourself. Owning a business and making 6 figures before 40 is great. You struggled and are overcoming challenges. You should be proud of yourself.

PP never even attempting to have a job. Never even tried!!! That’s hardly “overcoming.”

PP here. Who cares about a job? Making $150k as a small business owner is, in most cases, more useful for the world and life affirming than making it doing TPS reports for globo corp (or the government for that matter). Ask me how I know.

Overcoming was overcoming mental health challenges early in adulthood.

Disagree. He/she has still never managed a household, worked for or with another person, or otherwise had to manage life and work simultaneously. That is not overcoming.