Getting over the fact that your parent-child relationship will never be more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all have to evolve! My parents were great role models for us as they both had careers but they had a great relationship and we were their priority. But they now keep their distance as parents but they are very close as grandparents. My mom is there when I need her but she is now just a good listener and expects me to know it all. It’s a different relationship but I understand it. When I watch her with my kids she is like she was with me.

You sound very lucky. My mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist who tries to control me (still) and gives me the silent treatment when I "cross" her. I wish I had your mom, and I plan to be like that with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all have to evolve! My parents were great role models for us as they both had careers but they had a great relationship and we were their priority. But they now keep their distance as parents but they are very close as grandparents. My mom is there when I need her but she is now just a good listener and expects me to know it all. It’s a different relationship but I understand it. When I watch her with my kids she is like she was with me.

You sound very lucky. My mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist who tries to control me (still) and gives me the silent treatment when I "cross" her. I wish I had your mom, and I plan to be like that with my own kids.

OP here just to say:
a. Immediate PP is not me.
b. I'm so sorry to hear that, PP. Emotional abuse is real and so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more that my feelings about it are different than yours. Which is an appropriate lesson for kids to learn. Adults and men don't have the same cares as little girls. It's also not like he didn't help her. He gave her a new sheet of paper to scribble. She can learn that people help in different ways.

It isn't about the feelings of adults vs. kids or men vs. women being different. I think if my dad spent an hour working on something that mattered to him and then my daughter doodled all over it, he would be upset too. (OP)

[Anonymous]

I am facing the opposite. Facing the realization that I may never have an adult relationship with my children. They have always been delayed, but I thought they would catch up, eventually. There are SN challenges that contribute to the delay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am facing the opposite. Facing the realization that I may never have an adult relationship with my children. They have always been delayed, but I thought they would catch up, eventually. There are SN challenges that contribute to the delay.

That's so hard. I have a SN cousin who I was really close with growing up, but it has become more difficult as we've gotten older, but not grown into the same stages of life. I love her dearly and love to see her, but she is very withdrawn (part of her SNs) and it's hard to find the connection we had when we were young. There is not enough literature or support for maintaining connection between neurotypical and neurodivergent/SN people.

Glad for this tangent to the conversation. I hope you find other ways to bring depth and meaning to your relationship with your adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more that my feelings about it are different than yours. Which is an appropriate lesson for kids to learn. Adults and men don't have the same cares as little girls. It's also not like he didn't help her. He gave her a new sheet of paper to scribble. She can learn that people help in different ways.

It isn't about the feelings of adults vs. kids or men vs. women being different. I think if my dad spent an hour working on something that mattered to him and then my daughter doodled all over it, he would be upset too. (OP)

DP.

So you haven't matured to be better at communicating your perspective but you expect your parents to be different.

You pull your kid aside to validate her feelings instead of validating them in front of your parents. You are too coward to stand up for your kid, and she will judge you as harshly as you are judging your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more that my feelings about it are different than yours. Which is an appropriate lesson for kids to learn. Adults and men don't have the same cares as little girls. It's also not like he didn't help her. He gave her a new sheet of paper to scribble. She can learn that people help in different ways.

It isn't about the feelings of adults vs. kids or men vs. women being different. I think if my dad spent an hour working on something that mattered to him and then my daughter doodled all over it, he would be upset too. (OP)

DP.

So you haven't matured to be better at communicating your perspective but you expect your parents to be different.

You pull your kid aside to validate her feelings instead of validating them in front of your parents. You are too coward to stand up for your kid, and she will judge you as harshly as you are judging your parents.

OP here. I'm sorry if the idea of "pulling aside" made it seem like I did it out of earshot of my parents. I just took her to the corner of the room we were all in, so that she would have some space from the situation to calm down. I wasn't hiding the conversation from my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more that my feelings about it are different than yours. Which is an appropriate lesson for kids to learn. Adults and men don't have the same cares as little girls. It's also not like he didn't help her. He gave her a new sheet of paper to scribble. She can learn that people help in different ways.

It isn't about the feelings of adults vs. kids or men vs. women being different. I think if my dad spent an hour working on something that mattered to him and then my daughter doodled all over it, he would be upset too. (OP)

DP.

So you haven't matured to be better at communicating your perspective but you expect your parents to be different.

You pull your kid aside to validate her feelings instead of validating them in front of your parents. You are too coward to stand up for your kid, and she will judge you as harshly as you are judging your parents.

OP here. I'm sorry if the idea of "pulling aside" made it seem like I did it out of earshot of my parents. I just took her to the corner of the room we were all in, so that she would have some space from the situation to calm down. I wasn't hiding the conversation from my parents.

Sorry I misunderstood that OP. Glad to hear you stand up for her in their presence!

[Anonymous]

I have accepted that my relationship with my mother will never be what I would have hoped for. I am aiming to avoid emotional abuse and "detach" as much as I can while fulfilling my moral obligation as she and my father rapidly age.

I find myself feeling sorry for her - what would it be like to be 79 years old and have both your children unable to have a relationship with you? For me, it would be my worst nightmare. I know I need to take care of my own psyche at this point - she's done enough damage - but I can't shake these feelings of "letting her down." Anyone else feel this way?

[Anonymous]

I recommend that OP give her parents some grace.

At age 35 (OP's age), it is a fun stage of life. The 30's can be a really great decade for many people.

As someone who is now 55 years old, I can say that this is a more difficult stage of life.

My children are in their early 20's and I am hopeful that they will want to spend time with DH and me. We believe that we gave our children a wonderful childhood, and we consider ourselves close-knit. However, I am sure that our children have their grievances.

You see so many people complaining about their parents. Maybe their parents didn't have a perfect childhood either. If your parents did a decent job of giving you a stable and healthy childhood, then I would show them some grace. After all, in 25 years, your own kids may be complaining about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have accepted that my relationship with my mother will never be what I would have hoped for. I am aiming to avoid emotional abuse and "detach" as much as I can while fulfilling my moral obligation as she and my father rapidly age.

I find myself feeling sorry for her - what would it be like to be 79 years old and have both your children unable to have a relationship with you? For me, it would be my worst nightmare. I know I need to take care of my own psyche at this point - she's done enough damage - but I can't shake these feelings of "letting her down." Anyone else feel this way?

OP here. Yes, I feel like I'm letting my parents down when I don't jump at the chance for a visit (either them coming to me or me going there). Or, more to the point, I feel like I'm letting down the idea of the parent-child relationship I want us to have, while knowing that my hesitation stems from the fact that the visit will be more of the same awkward silences and being-in-the-same-space-without-connecting that it has always been, and will leave me feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. They haven't done anything wrong and so it feels wrong and selfish of me to pull back from them. But when I don't, I'm left so hurt and disappointed that we can't be more than this surface level relationship and that they don't seem to want to know me more deeply or to share more than a simple recounting of their day with me.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update for anyone who cares. Mostly, this is just me venting into the anonymous void, so thank you.

TLDR: My parents don't communicate their needs, even when I specifically ask them (i.e. what do you want to do/eat when you're here?). They spend their visits grumbling or saying one thing and then doing another (i.e. telling us to go on a date night while they babysit and then complaining when we schedule one; telling us pasta will be fine for dinner and then ordering out as I start making it).

After months of my parents asking to come visit, they came New Years weekend. They brought a whole box of my old toys that I didn't want and told them to throw away years ago (including my old recorder from 4th grade that I now have to take away from my kids).

I asked ahead of their visit what groceries they wanted us to have in the house and what food they might want to eat while they were here and they said anything we had would be fine. But then they grumbled every day at lunch about how we didn't have any food before going out to get a burger. To be clear: we had tuna, veggie burgers, chicken (cooked, just needed to be reheated), lots of different fruits and vegetables, frozen french fries and chicken nuggets, mac and cheese or rotini, eggs, and peanut butter and jelly. On their last night here, I asked if they would eat pasta or if I should order them something (DH and I were supposed to go out to dinner; see below) and they said pasta would be fine. Then, an hour later as I started boiling water, my dad announced that he was going out to pick up dinner and came back with enough shrimp for everyone, despite the fact that DH and I and our kids don't eat shellfish and haven't for 12+ years. Last time they visited, they picked up a bunch of breakfast foods "for everyone" that none of us eat, like a giant apple fritter.

For Christmas, my parents sent us a gift card to a restaurant with a note that we should have a date night and they would be happy to babysit. It was a not-subtle plea to come visit us. But then when I took them up on it while they were here and made reservations for us to go out, they were surprised and seemed annoyed that they would have to do bedtime for our kids (who share a room, go to bed at the same time, and are pretty easy to handle). Our youngest ended up being sick and we canceled our reservation in the end. Our daughter, who had a slight fever Saturday night, but then was mostly fine all day Sunday, spiked a super high fever Sunday evening (102 at home, 104 by the time we got to urgent care). My parents commented multiple times that "she had seemed totally normal" as if we were somehow making up her fever or blowing it out of proportion.

Like every time they visit, we had to drag them to do anything other than sit on the couch with their phones or watching TV. We went out to dinner the night they got into town (Thursday) and went to a winery on Sunday. We also invited them to go to a playground with our daughters on Saturday afternoon, but it was too cold and they declined, so I stayed home with them while my husband took the kids out. That was it. They are 61 and very active/mobile. It's not like we wanted to run them all over town, but it was like pulling teeth to go anywhere.

At one point, my nephew (6) called my daughter (5) and they were talking on the phone, until my dad came over to take over the conversation and talk to my nephew.

At another point, my daughters (5 and 3) were playing "jail" with my dad, who was playing along nicely. My kids put him in jail and then started bringing him food from their toy kitchen. My mom kept hissing at him under her breath to stop playing. Presumably because "jail" is not a nice game? I don't know; she didn't elaborate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents don’t sound terrible to me, OP, and you chose to move far away from them so some of the emotional detachment that you feel is squarely on you.

OP here. I haven't said they are terrible; please don't put words in my mouth.

As for being far away, I'll break it down into a few components:
1. We moved for job opportunities, not to get away from them.
2. Even when we lived closer (5-7 hours, instead of 10-12 hours) and I came home more often, they rarely asked to come visit me in return. They visit my brother (who lives further from them than I do) much more often, so it's not that they don't want to travel. They have always been closer to him, so I'm not surprised by the discrepancy in visits, nor am I really complaining about the favoritism, just using it to illustrate their willingness to travel overall.
3. After I moved, they moved. The distance from me is only an hour further (went from a 10 hour drive to an 11 hour drive), but their new location is 2 hours from a major airport, instead of in a metro area, so quick trips by plane are not really possible, making visiting more often harder. They were considering retiring to a community closer to an airport to make it easier for my family and my brother's family to visit them, but decided against it. That's their prerogative and I want them to live where they will be happy, but it means they thought about prioritizing easier visits and decided against it.
4. They have never initiated a visit. I'm always the one to ask them to come or to go on vacation with us or suggesting that we come to them. I'm also the one initiating phone calls and video chats 95% of the time.

Again, they are not terrible people or terrible parents. They're just not capable of building a deep emotional relationship or discussing difficult feelings or subjects.

Maybe you’re a bratty daughter who always wants to get her way and are not capable of understanding their simplicity, which they seem to be perfectly comfortable with.

Op, enjoy the parents you have. We all wish our parents could have done a better job at xyz, but they are their own individuals, not at your service forever. They’re done raising you.

There are things I wish my parents would acknowledge, because it would show me they care, but I know they do, and I don’t need to crush their ego and pride do they can show me.

Grow up and good luck to you.

I agree with PP. Your parents probably struggle with how to act with you. One of my siblings has always had issues with our parents and the rest of us know they aren’t perfect but accept them the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound REALLY whiny OP. And to the PP who limits grandparent time bc of this - WTF? Not everyone in life is going to validate one’s feelings all the time. It’s okay if there are one or two of the “buck up, it’s going to be okay” type as long as mom and dad are emotionally supportive.

How do you define "emotional support?" What do you see as the difference between "buck up" and dismissive?

Neither of the examples OP gave was dismissive. In the first, the grandpa was sad that the granddaughter was sad. In the second, the grandpa explained his mistake and tried to rectify it by getting another piece of paper. Okay, so he didn’t have textbook perfect responses. But I can’t see cutting someone off for that

In the first example, the grandpa wasn't just sad the granddaughter was sad. He told her not to feel the way she was feeling. From the OP: "Don't be sad; I want you to be happy all the time."

I think it was a very sweet response to a young child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound REALLY whiny OP. And to the PP who limits grandparent time bc of this - WTF? Not everyone in life is going to validate one’s feelings all the time. It’s okay if there are one or two of the “buck up, it’s going to be okay” type as long as mom and dad are emotionally supportive.

How do you define "emotional support?" What do you see as the difference between "buck up" and dismissive?

Neither of the examples OP gave was dismissive. In the first, the grandpa was sad that the granddaughter was sad. In the second, the grandpa explained his mistake and tried to rectify it by getting another piece of paper. Okay, so he didn’t have textbook perfect responses. But I can’t see cutting someone off for that

In the first example, the grandpa wasn't just sad the granddaughter was sad. He told her not to feel the way she was feeling. From the OP: "Don't be sad; I want you to be happy all the time."

I think it was a very sweet response to a young child.

It's not. It's the response my parents gave me everytime I was sad or angry. Doing that will get you a large therapy bill later in life when you deal with all the emotions you aren't allowed to have.

Thanks for the update OP! Sadly, your parents sounds like mine: there is only one right way to do things and it's their way. My mom would have also been appalled at the "jail" game.