Getting over the fact that your parent-child relationship will never be more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to accept your parents for who they are. Here is my suggestion — don’t call them and see how long it takes them to call you. With my dad, he can go months without calling me. So, that is about what he gets from me. He doesn’t need to have some deep relationship with my kid — he isn’t capable.

Yep. I love my parents, but I realized as a teen that my relationship with them was always going to be superficial. They're human like me, and bottled up inside them they have a wealth of emotions and thoughts just like me... which they will never share, because they're incredibly repressed people. I have made a point of being a better parent for my kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you get 2 chances to create a happy family: The family you are born into
The family you create

Focus on what you can control --- the family you create
They will suffer if you obsess on the family you were born into

Np but it is worthy of self discovery and to do that you have to reflect on your family of origin. Thas not be obsessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have to accept your parents for who they are. Here is my suggestion — don’t call them and see how long it takes them to call you. With my dad, he can go months without calling me. So, that is about what he gets from me. He doesn’t need to have some deep relationship with my kid — he isn’t capable.

Yep. I love my parents, but I realized as a teen that my relationship with them was always going to be superficial. They're human like me, and bottled up inside them they have a wealth of emotions and thoughts just like me... which they will never share, because they're incredibly repressed people. I have made a point of being a better parent for my kids!

Thank you for sharing. (OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound REALLY whiny OP. And to the PP who limits grandparent time bc of this - WTF? Not everyone in life is going to validate one’s feelings all the time. It’s okay if there are one or two of the “buck up, it’s going to be okay” type as long as mom and dad are emotionally supportive.

How do you define "emotional support?" What do you see as the difference between "buck up" and dismissive?

Neither of the examples OP gave was dismissive. In the first, the grandpa was sad that the granddaughter was sad. In the second, the grandpa explained his mistake and tried to rectify it by getting another piece of paper. Okay, so he didn’t have textbook perfect responses. But I can’t see cutting someone off for that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound REALLY whiny OP. And to the PP who limits grandparent time bc of this - WTF? Not everyone in life is going to validate one’s feelings all the time. It’s okay if there are one or two of the “buck up, it’s going to be okay” type as long as mom and dad are emotionally supportive.

How do you define "emotional support?" What do you see as the difference between "buck up" and dismissive?

Neither of the examples OP gave was dismissive. In the first, the grandpa was sad that the granddaughter was sad. In the second, the grandpa explained his mistake and tried to rectify it by getting another piece of paper. Okay, so he didn’t have textbook perfect responses. But I can’t see cutting someone off for that

In the first example, the grandpa wasn't just sad the granddaughter was sad. He told her not to feel the way she was feeling. From the OP: "Don't be sad; I want you to be happy all the time."

[Anonymous]

I am very expo, but many in my family are not.

Like one sibling who never replies when I say (before hanging up), “I love you.”

This person is kind and thoughtful to me. Why do you think they won’t say it back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents don’t sound terrible to me, OP, and you chose to move far away from them so some of the emotional detachment that you feel is squarely on you.

OP here. I haven't said they are terrible; please don't put words in my mouth.

As for being far away, I'll break it down into a few components:
1. We moved for job opportunities, not to get away from them.
2. Even when we lived closer (5-7 hours, instead of 10-12 hours) and I came home more often, they rarely asked to come visit me in return. They visit my brother (who lives further from them than I do) much more often, so it's not that they don't want to travel. They have always been closer to him, so I'm not surprised by the discrepancy in visits, nor am I really complaining about the favoritism, just using it to illustrate their willingness to travel overall.
3. After I moved, they moved. The distance from me is only an hour further (went from a 10 hour drive to an 11 hour drive), but their new location is 2 hours from a major airport, instead of in a metro area, so quick trips by plane are not really possible, making visiting more often harder. They were considering retiring to a community closer to an airport to make it easier for my family and my brother's family to visit them, but decided against it. That's their prerogative and I want them to live where they will be happy, but it means they thought about prioritizing easier visits and decided against it.
4. They have never initiated a visit. I'm always the one to ask them to come or to go on vacation with us or suggesting that we come to them. I'm also the one initiating phone calls and video chats 95% of the time.

Again, they are not terrible people or terrible parents. They're just not capable of building a deep emotional relationship or discussing difficult feelings or subjects.

Maybe you’re a bratty daughter who always wants to get her way and are not capable of understanding their simplicity, which they seem to be perfectly comfortable with.

Op, enjoy the parents you have. We all wish our parents could have done a better job at xyz, but they are their own individuals, not at your service forever. They’re done raising you.

There are things I wish my parents would acknowledge, because it would show me they care, but I know they do, and I don’t need to crush their ego and pride do they can show me.

Grow up and good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for modeling the behavior you want and letting go of trying to change people - will drive you crazy.

Maybe a great opportunity to explain to your child - and model some empathy - about how generations can be raised in different circumstances, with different parenting guidance or understanding of emotional health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through a phase like this in my mid 30s when I realized that my own parents and in-laws had no interest in being as involved in their grandchildren's lives as their own parents were in mine and DHs.

That was a few years ago. I grieved my lost expectations and started creating a new life for our family without involving them unless they asked to be involved. We (DH and I and kids) are a lot happier. I'm not sure how they feel, but that's their problem.

+1

Exact same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents don’t sound terrible to me, OP, and you chose to move far away from them so some of the emotional detachment that you feel is squarely on you.

OP here. I haven't said they are terrible; please don't put words in my mouth.

As for being far away, I'll break it down into a few components:
1. We moved for job opportunities, not to get away from them.
2. Even when we lived closer (5-7 hours, instead of 10-12 hours) and I came home more often, they rarely asked to come visit me in return. They visit my brother (who lives further from them than I do) much more often, so it's not that they don't want to travel. They have always been closer to him, so I'm not surprised by the discrepancy in visits, nor am I really complaining about the favoritism, just using it to illustrate their willingness to travel overall.
3. After I moved, they moved. The distance from me is only an hour further (went from a 10 hour drive to an 11 hour drive), but their new location is 2 hours from a major airport, instead of in a metro area, so quick trips by plane are not really possible, making visiting more often harder. They were considering retiring to a community closer to an airport to make it easier for my family and my brother's family to visit them, but decided against it. That's their prerogative and I want them to live where they will be happy, but it means they thought about prioritizing easier visits and decided against it.
4. They have never initiated a visit. I'm always the one to ask them to come or to go on vacation with us or suggesting that we come to them. I'm also the one initiating phone calls and video chats 95% of the time.

Again, they are not terrible people or terrible parents. They're just not capable of building a deep emotional relationship or discussing difficult feelings or subjects.

Maybe you’re a bratty daughter who always wants to get her way and are not capable of understanding their simplicity, which they seem to be perfectly comfortable with.

Op, enjoy the parents you have. We all wish our parents could have done a better job at xyz, but they are their own individuals, not at your service forever. They’re done raising you.

There are things I wish my parents would acknowledge, because it would show me they care, but I know they do, and I don’t need to crush their ego and pride do they can show me.

Grow up and good luck to you.

Fixed it for you to make it helpful instead of judgey. Try to be less awful in the future, PP.

Op, enjoy the parents you have. We all wish our parents could have done a better job at xyz, but they are their own individuals, and seem to be perfectly comfortable with their simplicity. There are things I wish my parents would acknowledge, because it would show me they care, but I know they do, and I don’t need to crush their ego and pride do they can show me. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe give your parents a little grace. Parenting now looks a lot different than back then. If you are really bothered, seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Have you guys seen "Old Dads"? I don't recommend it (terrible movie), but is the OP really angry at her father for not "validating" the sad feelings of the granddaughter? That seems a little over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you guys seen "Old Dads"? I don't recommend it (terrible movie), but is the OP really angry at her father for not "validating" the sad feelings of the granddaughter? That seems a little over the top.

It's painful for OP to hear this because this is what she heard, herself, as a child. She wants to protect her daughter from the pain of that message - "you're feelings make me uncomfortable, so stuff them back inside."

[Anonymous]

I think it's more that my feelings about it are different than yours. Which is an appropriate lesson for kids to learn. Adults and men don't have the same cares as little girls. It's also not like he didn't help her. He gave her a new sheet of paper to scribble. She can learn that people help in different ways.

[Anonymous]

We all have to evolve! My parents were great role models for us as they both had careers but they had a great relationship and we were their priority. But they now keep their distance as parents but they are very close as grandparents. My mom is there when I need her but she is now just a good listener and expects me to know it all. It’s a different relationship but I understand it. When I watch her with my kids she is like she was with me.