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Reply to "Would you adopt a teen?"

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[quote=Anonymous]
Anonymous wrote:
Calling someone a do gooder for wanting to do this is just plain rude.
The term white savior is rude too. We are white with an adopted black child, now a tween, who we love as our own. Heard that word get thrown around too.

[quote]OP go for it, we have a friend fostering a 12yo because they have 2 slightly older boys and felt they could handle it. He is thriving with them. The end goal is obviously reunification but while he’s with them he’s doing really well.

This hits on an issue not explicitly discussed in this thread. Setting aside adopting a baby or little kid who then grows up, there are really two ways to have an adopted teen:
* foster a teen whose goal starts out as reunification, but eventually goes through termination of parental rights and is adopted
* adopt a teen whose parental rights have already been terminated and is free for adoption

Those are quite different. Most states (including DC and MD) are very very hesitant to TPR without an adoptive placement lined up, so a kid who is legally free is exceptional (and often exceptionally challenging to parent and/or will need lifelong care for disabilities). Kids on the adoptuskids website and similar (where Barker's Project Wait No Longer places kids from) are there because their foster families would not adopt them, there were no relatives willing or able to do so, and the child welfare agency couldn't find any adoptive family within their existing network of foster parents either. [b]There is probably a reason for this, and they are not going to tell you the whole reason when you apply (they may not know it, or they may be so eager to get a kid placed that they gloss over it). T[/b]hose kids still need caring adults in their lives, and if OP is prepared to do that it's great. But it is different than fostering a kid who has been recently removed and letting the court process play out, which usually results in the kid returning to parents or extended family or aging out (where OP could still be an ongoing and helpful presence if the kid is willing). I still think OP should do respite care, volunteer with DCFYI, or find other ways to support kids in or at risk of going into care and then make an informed decision. It is so so hard but someone needs to do it, and maybe OP is someone who can.[/quote]

This is really important to focus on.  I adopted older siblings, one of whom was extremely FASD affected while the older was not.   The issues that I now know stem from the FASD were completely ascribed to emotional trauma.   I know now that if a child has had multiple foster care placements, then something is amiss, and likely due to cognitive/behavioral issues, most likely stemming from pre-natal exposure brain damage.  That is in addition to whatever trauma the child has experienced.  The PP who asked you whether you would be comfortable having your youngest child living in a house witnessing holes getting punched in walls, curses getting hurled at their parents or even potential violence  was spot on, as well as those posters who pointed out that sexual abuse/extreme behaviors are also likely.  Let your youngest child enjoy their remaining teen years at home getting to have their unique relationship with their parents (when they have always been the tag-along youngest).  Do some of the respite or mentoring work  in the meantime, but not anything that  involves having to up-end the life of your child at home.    It just isn't fair to them and they will resent you for it.  [/quote]

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