Anyone else just stop initiating or asking for sex from their partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…

Yeah, yeah, all the 50 year old women posting to DCUM look like Elizabeth Hurley.

I read this a lot here. Unfortunately I, like I’m sure most others, spend plenty of time in UC/UMC neighborhoods, at the gym, the local Whole Foods, law firm offices, government offices, balls and charity events, restaurants, school events, kids sports, and neighborhood parties. You all must be hiding indoors 100% of the time.

If anything the 50 yo husband far more often is the more attractive of the two.

Which Whole Foods do you visit? I need to see this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…

Maybe.

I haven’t. I take care of the kids all the time. I do chores. Honestly, stop reciting the same tired tropes about why women lose interest in sex. We all know the same 5 or so reasons.

I don’t fall into that category. I have all my hair, work out, am considered attractive and have had tons of girlfriends prior to marriage.

I agree it’s just demoralizing to be with a low libido spouse with a take it or leave it, apathetic attitude toward our sex life. It’s really sad to me. To her it’s just me being too horny. I don’t agree. Why be in a marriage? Why have my libido locked ina cage? It’s unfair.

[Anonymous]

My DH got laid off and gained 70 pounds due to health issues about the time I was going through menopause. We were scrambling to get enough work to keep the house and get the kids through high school. With high school starting at an insanely early time we were constantly exhausted between the early wakeup and the late nights with homework and activities.

We have been together 40 years. We had a great sex life for 25 years and a good one for another 7 or so years. I miss the whole package of who we used to be: thin, rested, good jobs, well traveled. The last time we were intimate it simply wasn't fun or comfortable anymore for either of us.

This is life sometimes.

[Anonymous]

DW just let herself go, and that’s made it difficult to maintain interest. Last time, it just wasn’t enjoyable. I appreciate her for other things when she isn’t going out or her way to be difficult, so we are together. We also have kids. That is more important to me than sex, but it’s not ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your partner is uninterested in sex, feel free to simply declare the relationship open and go meet your normal healthy sexual needs elsewhere. An uninterested partner gets no vote on this.

Lol
Do you have some kind of instant alert set up on your phone for these threads? You always show up immediately and say the exact same (myopic) thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 5 months into married celibacy; I’m going to wait until it gets to a year then I will attempt to make myself happy. Five separate offers for counseling and I’ve done everything possible to clean up my side of the street but there’s no interest. 7 months to go!

Affair? Or divorce?

Affair usually indicates lying, I’m not going to lie, I’m not looking to hurt anyone by throwing it in their face but surely there is someone out there in the same predicament where life isn’t so horrible it warrants disrupting your children but it isn’t good enough to go on without change.

Hahaha! I had this EXACT same reasoning, and as an attractive woman, I found a man who appealed to me incredibly easily.

It was so terrible. I do NOT recommend. Tell your spouse you can’t go on like this and see if they still refuse counseling. Your integrity matters.

I’m sure there are limitless possibilities to have an arrangement like this blow up in your face but what was it specifically that made it so terrible?

Well, what is interesting I guess is that it did not really blow up in my face, but I still think it was a terrible thing to do and a terrible experience. The emotional turmoil was too much.

For one thing, I could not handle the guilt. I felt what I was doing was wrong but the validation I got from the other man was so addictive. I had rationalized that we both deserved some happiness from each other. The high was like being on drugs I think. But I constantly felt terrible about it. There was no way for me to know that he and his wife were in a sexless marriage, even though I was. He was lying to her, why wouldn’t he lie to me? And then breaking up with the other man was so terrible. I was falling in love with him and imagining a life with him, and I knew that could never happen. I still have lingering feelings for him and fantasize about him. It was all so so stupid.

DH forgave me and we are working on our marriage. There was no blow up or humiliation. We have sex a lot now: But I hate that I did something like that.

That sounds a little too easy. Your DH just forgave you for falling in love and having sex with another man and now he’s fine with it all?

[Anonymous]

Q

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Congratulations. There are plenty of wives with low libido despite having husbands who are workhorses who have decent hygiene, treat them nicely, and aren't obese. Libido isn't some kind of vending machine where if one side puts in the work, the other side gets horny. There are all kinds of reasons why it might go away, and automatically saying low libido is a function of some kind of failing on the part of the high libido partner is incredibly dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

How long does he say it takes him to "feed the dog?" What percentage of the housecleaning does he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Congratulations. There are plenty of wives with low libido despite having husbands who are workhorses who have decent hygiene, treat them nicely, and aren't obese. Libido isn't some kind of vending machine where if one side puts in the work, the other side gets horny. There are all kinds of reasons why it might go away, and automatically saying low libido is a function of some kind of failing on the part of the high libido partner is incredibly dismissive.

Thank you, PP. This is a thoughtful and true comment. It has nothing to do with my DH.

[Anonymous]

Im another woman who is in a sexless marriage but dont want to divorce bc of kids at home. I decided to find someone else in a similar situation and have sex with them. It might work for some, but it didnt work for me.

Like pp said, I also fell for this person as more than just a sex partner. I even specifically chose someone with a life so very different from mine re: location in the dmv, kids, career, lifestyle, etc. Because I know that in “the real world” this person just wouldn't fit with me where I am now in life. But I started fantasizing what it would be like if we were really together. I dont know how you can be sleeping with and spending time with someone, basically dating them, and not fall for them. At least I cant.

I ended things w this person pretty quickly bc after sleeping w them. I realized that even entertaining the thought that sleeping with someone else in order to “save my marriage” is ridiculous. But doing so really made me reflect and realize that a lot is missing from my marriage that I was ignoring.

I havent told my dh and never will. There is no way in which his knowing will help our marriage. But I am finally being honest w him about what I need that is missing from our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im another woman who is in a sexless marriage but dont want to divorce bc of kids at home. I decided to find someone else in a similar situation and have sex with them. It might work for some, but it didnt work for me.

Like pp said, I also fell for this person as more than just a sex partner. I even specifically chose someone with a life so very different from mine re: location in the dmv, kids, career, lifestyle, etc. Because I know that in “the real world” this person just wouldn't fit with me where I am now in life. But I started fantasizing what it would be like if we were really together. I dont know how you can be sleeping with and spending time with someone, basically dating them, and not fall for them. At least I cant.

I ended things w this person pretty quickly bc after sleeping w them. I realized that even entertaining the thought that sleeping with someone else in order to “save my marriage” is ridiculous. But doing so really made me reflect and realize that a lot is missing from my marriage that I was ignoring.

I havent told my dh and never will. There is no way in which his knowing will help our marriage. But I am finally being honest w him about what I need that is missing from our marriage.

What is it that’s missing from your marriage? Are the things you need definable, like, I need one Saturday a month on my own and you need to cook 3 nights a week?

I am more after feelings and vibes but those can’t be evoked unless they are truly felt and I don’t know how to get them moving again.

If I told my husband I want him to be funny, happy and flirty like used to be he would look at me like I had two heads. I’m 99% sure that if I found someone decent enough to sleep with I would be head over heels in minutes so then I would just have to deal with a shell of a marriage along with a broken heart, no thanks.

Making peace with a ho-hum existence makes me sort of ill but I can’t figure out a way through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…

Maybe.

I haven’t. I take care of the kids all the time. I do chores. Honestly, stop reciting the same tired tropes about why women lose interest in sex. We all know the same 5 or so reasons.

I don’t fall into that category. I have all my hair, work out, am considered attractive and have had tons of girlfriends prior to marriage.

I agree it’s just demoralizing to be with a low libido spouse with a take it or leave it, apathetic attitude toward our sex life. It’s really sad to me. To her it’s just me being too horny. I don’t agree. Why be in a marriage? Why have my libido locked ina cage? It’s unfair.

Gd damn you're whiny.

It's also unfair for the low libido partner to have sex when they don't want to for reasons that aren't their fault. You're so narcissistic, you really think it's not happening because of you. It's biology and aging. Normal.

[Anonymous]

PP here. The things missing in my marriage arent just a checklist of stuff. We have worked through all of that. Its more fundamentally where we have come as people in the past 15 years and what we want our lives to look like and how we want to live them. We are decent coparents and roommates but we are absolutely not partners or lovers. Im not sure marriage counseling can fix that, but sex w a random man sure didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im another woman who is in a sexless marriage but dont want to divorce bc of kids at home. I decided to find someone else in a similar situation and have sex with them. It might work for some, but it didnt work for me.

Like pp said, I also fell for this person as more than just a sex partner. I even specifically chose someone with a life so very different from mine re: location in the dmv, kids, career, lifestyle, etc. Because I know that in “the real world” this person just wouldn't fit with me where I am now in life. But I started fantasizing what it would be like if we were really together. I dont know how you can be sleeping with and spending time with someone, basically dating them, and not fall for them. At least I cant.

I ended things w this person pretty quickly bc after sleeping w them. I realized that even entertaining the thought that sleeping with someone else in order to “save my marriage” is ridiculous. But doing so really made me reflect and realize that a lot is missing from my marriage that I was ignoring.

I havent told my dh and never will. There is no way in which his knowing will help our marriage. But I am finally being honest w him about what I need that is missing from our marriage.

What is it that’s missing from your marriage? Are the things you need definable, like, I need one Saturday a month on my own and you need to cook 3 nights a week?

I am more after feelings and vibes but those can’t be evoked unless they are truly felt and I don’t know how to get them moving again.

If I told my husband I want him to be funny, happy and flirty like used to be he would look at me like I had two heads. I’m 99% sure that if I found someone decent enough to sleep with I would be head over heels in minutes so then I would just have to deal with a shell of a marriage along with a broken heart, no thanks.

Making peace with a ho-hum existence makes me sort of ill but I can’t figure out a way through.

I think this is a situation where marriage counseling can help because people reach this point of crisis (like I did) and then it may be way too late. Like get help while it is “ho hum” before someone gets depressed and has an affair. A neutral third party can give a bit of a jolt.