Anonymous wrote:I did. I am just not that interested in sex. DH doesn't make an effort to make me interested in sex, and he is really busy and often just not interested himself. But he still initiates about 3x per month and we are both generally content with the situation.
OP I think that backing off is a good idea. Once you spouse doesn't feel like sex is about appeasing you (so, a choose) he or she might become interested again.
Exactly. And be patient. If it doesn’t work the first year or two, don’t give up. Marriage is a lifetime commitment
I don’t know. Going months without sex sounds intolerable to me. Cheating is inadvisable at best but I don’t really judge people in these situations. The spouse withholding sex is really damaging the relationship and lacking empathy.
-woman
It's really messed up to conceptualize not wanting to have sex as "withholding." It implies that somebody else is entitled to your body. Also, it is unlikely that the one who doesn't want to have sex is the only one to blame for any damage it causes in the relationship. Most of the time the spouse who wants more sex has little empathy for the one who doesn't want sex. Just think of men who complain of women making them jump over hoops for sex when the women are run down by kids and working a full-time job and housework that the men refuse to share.
Messed up or not, marriage confers a responsibility on both parties to try to make the other person happy. You may be exhausted, you may be unhappy with the division of labor, you may be physically unwell, whatever, it is up to both parties in the marriage to communicate and come up with conditions both parties can live with.
Maybe that is opening up the marriage, maybe it is scheduling sex one day a week, maybe it is getting divorced. But you can’t just leave the other person hanging. Someone will always be “more wrong,” someone will always do more chores, someone will always make more money, it doesn’t matter. You can’t sit there counting beans while your partner grows more and more resentful.
+1. I've been married 20 years and firmly believe you cannot separate sex from marriage. Sex is a part of marriage, and a sexless marriage is an unhealthy marriage. That doesn't mean one partner has to give up entirely (either partner), but it's on both partners to work on finding a mutually satisfactory middle ground.
Pp you are responding to and I think there are so many needs in marriage and you cannot leave the other person hanging whether it is a need for intimacy, for rest, for help with housework, for companionship, for conversation, you have to engage with the other person before it becomes a crisis. Sex just tends to be something where people’s needs diverge a lot. You’re better off trying to make the other person happy as often as you can, even if you’re not in the mood, whether it be to do the dishes or have sex!
Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.
It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.
I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.
So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.
I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.
Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?
I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.
The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”
Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…
Maybe.
I haven’t. I take care of the kids all the time. I do chores. Honestly, stop reciting the same tired tropes about why women lose interest in sex. We all know the same 5 or so reasons.
I don’t fall into that category. I have all my hair, work out, am considered attractive and have had tons of girlfriends prior to marriage.
I agree it’s just demoralizing to be with a low libido spouse with a take it or leave it, apathetic attitude toward our sex life. It’s really sad to me. To her it’s just me being too horny. I don’t agree. Why be in a marriage? Why have my libido locked ina cage? It’s unfair.
I don’t really how this situation happens.
You initiate sex every day or every other day or whatever, and she says that you’re too horny, and she somehow thinks this is fine? I don’t see how this same conversation happens every day for weeks, let alone years, without something coming to a head.
It’s variations of the same theme:
I’m not in the mood
I’m tired
I’m hungry
You’re too horny
It turns me off when you nag
I have work
It’s too late
We just did it
You don’t seduce me
And on and on and on, the excuses are infinite and then you give up because you are “nagging.” The dynamic is such that the more you ask the less they want it. Your desperation is unattractive. And for a woman it’s especially maddening because men everywhere are giddy to flirt or talk to you.
Back when I used to initiate more, my wife frequently had vague stomach issues that I needed to hear about early in the evening. Since I stopped initiating, her intestinal challenges have all but disappeared. It's a medical miracle!
So anticipating you might be interested in sex later in the evening, her go to response was to preemptively lay the foundation for her planned rejection?
What a catch she must be.
That's the cynical view. And, if I'm honest, I strongly suspect that's what she was doing. But, maybe they were true ailments with very unlucky timing.
A little bit of serendipity here: just as I'm grumbling about our sex life to the Internet, DW initiated last night. First time we've had sex in 3 or 4 months. None of you needs to know that, I'm just bragging. People of the Internet, *I* had sex.
Why on earth would you tolerate (let alone BRAG about) going sexless for 4 months? If she is not interested, fine for her - just go find another.
Tone doesn't always translate on the Internet, but if you didn't pick up on it, the "brag" was entirely self-deprecating. Our sex life isn't ideal. But it also only part of our relationship. The other parts are very good. Also, my sex life isn't some kind of reflection on my manhood. I'm tall, strong, fast, have a big dick, an extensive record collection, cargo shorts with ample pocket space, a successful rec sports coaching resume, mad grilling skills, and many other manly qualities. So, thanks for the advice, Internet Stranger, but I'm not going to cheat on my wife.
You sound like I'd like to be your friend!
- a man
Yup, I’d hang with him too!
Also a man
I'm sure we're all just a bunch of beta cucks in the eyes of all the Chad Thundercock Alpha Males who like to lecture everyone on marital sex.
Correct: 4 sexless months is an absolute No Go here. But you do you (petty often, I assume)
Your assumption is correct. I'm damn good at it, too.
Anonymous wrote:To the person suggesting they’d have an affair at the one year mark, don’t. Yes, there probably is someone who would like to have sex with you and not disrupt their family.. and it could work for a time. Plan on it going wrong, you start to want to be with this person on the daily and not just for sex. You like the sex but this person shows signs of things you don’t like like they want to meet the kids, they talk of moving to your area (which they are allowed to do) they decide or already coach or are involved in something your kids like, sex with another adult won’t barr them from starting or continuing them doing the same things you do, soccer, church, drums, the same things you may be doing. Your sex partner isn’t a plaything you can just put away when you’re done and never have them turn up again for nothing to do with you but in your mental state, you’ll see it as “they can’t let go” “they’re stalking me” “they might kidnap my kids” when all they want to do is live in an area with good schools same as you do. Try explaining to your wife and kids why you don’t want them taking swim lessons with Ms. Sally or why they can’t join chorus because when the answer is you used to bone the music teacher or still are. Remember that.
Plan on being branded a cheater, people are fine with divorce, they aren’t fine with cheating and nobody will ever believe your version that your partner didn’t want sex with you, or if they do, they’ll think “and if you’d been home with your spouse, you may have just gotten the sex you wanted”.
Secrets have a way of getting out. People see things, hear things, get a vibe something is going on, you aren’t the secret keeper you think you are, and people care way more then you think, at least when it comes to cheating.
Plan for your kids to find out and them being damaged in a way that only comes with cheating, dad screwed around on mom, he didn’t decide he didn’t like her anymore, and oh wait, did he miss my performance because he really did have to work or was he off with his girlfriend? Plan on people saying “You don’t cheat, you drag them to therapy” never mind that you can’t drag an adult anywhere and we don’t have a 911 for therapy. Maybe we should, maybe we do for self=harm but we don’t have it for “my wife won’t f**ck me, something is wrong with her”.
You honestly overestimate the number of people that would care about our marital life or why it broke down. It may be fodder for conversation for five minutes , and then they move on. Divorce or don't, cheat or don't, but don't count on social condemnation to get your way. No one cares.
Anonymous wrote:I did. I am just not that interested in sex. DH doesn't make an effort to make me interested in sex, and he is really busy and often just not interested himself. But he still initiates about 3x per month and we are both generally content with the situation.
OP I think that backing off is a good idea. Once you spouse doesn't feel like sex is about appeasing you (so, a choose) he or she might become interested again.
Exactly. And be patient. If it doesn’t work the first year or two, don’t give up. Marriage is a lifetime commitment
I don’t know. Going months without sex sounds intolerable to me. Cheating is inadvisable at best but I don’t really judge people in these situations. The spouse withholding sex is really damaging the relationship and lacking empathy.
-woman
It's really messed up to conceptualize not wanting to have sex as "withholding." It implies that somebody else is entitled to your body. Also, it is unlikely that the one who doesn't want to have sex is the only one to blame for any damage it causes in the relationship. Most of the time the spouse who wants more sex has little empathy for the one who doesn't want sex. Just think of men who complain of women making them jump over hoops for sex when the women are run down by kids and working a full-time job and housework that the men refuse to share.
But then you turn around and say this person is entitled to ban you from doing certain things with your body, i.e. use it to sleep with someone else. I mean do they control your body or don't they?
Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.
It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.
I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.
So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.
I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.
Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?
I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.
The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”
Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…
Maybe.
I haven’t. I take care of the kids all the time. I do chores. Honestly, stop reciting the same tired tropes about why women lose interest in sex. We all know the same 5 or so reasons.
I don’t fall into that category. I have all my hair, work out, am considered attractive and have had tons of girlfriends prior to marriage.
I agree it’s just demoralizing to be with a low libido spouse with a take it or leave it, apathetic attitude toward our sex life. It’s really sad to me. To her it’s just me being too horny. I don’t agree. Why be in a marriage? Why have my libido locked ina cage? It’s unfair.
I don’t really how this situation happens.
You initiate sex every day or every other day or whatever, and she says that you’re too horny, and she somehow thinks this is fine? I don’t see how this same conversation happens every day for weeks, let alone years, without something coming to a head.
It’s variations of the same theme:
I’m not in the mood
I’m tired
I’m hungry
You’re too horny
It turns me off when you nag
I have work
It’s too late
We just did it
You don’t seduce me
And on and on and on, the excuses are infinite and then you give up because you are “nagging.” The dynamic is such that the more you ask the less they want it. Your desperation is unattractive. And for a woman it’s especially maddening because men everywhere are giddy to flirt or talk to you.
Back when I used to initiate more, my wife frequently had vague stomach issues that I needed to hear about early in the evening. Since I stopped initiating, her intestinal challenges have all but disappeared. It's a medical miracle!
So anticipating you might be interested in sex later in the evening, her go to response was to preemptively lay the foundation for her planned rejection?
What a catch she must be.
That's the cynical view. And, if I'm honest, I strongly suspect that's what she was doing. But, maybe they were true ailments with very unlucky timing.
A little bit of serendipity here: just as I'm grumbling about our sex life to the Internet, DW initiated last night. First time we've had sex in 3 or 4 months. None of you needs to know that, I'm just bragging. People of the Internet, *I* had sex.
I hope you made it EXCELLENT for her and took the opportunity to ask her what got her in the mood yesterday in particular!!!
I did make it excellent for her. No way in hell am I going to ruin it by dissecting the situation with a lot of questions. I've made that mistake before. Any conversation that alludes to the fact that we have less sex than I'd like has the result of decreasing our sex life even further and never results in any actionable information.
NP, married woman, and I think that was the right decision. We have less sex than DH would like (this is a constant source of tension in our marriage), and for the sake of our marriage I’ve been making an effort to initiate more often. Over the weekend both kids were out of the house (rare) and I initiated and it was good. Within an hour afterward, DH started peppering with questions about why today but not on that other day 2 weeks ago when DD1 was on a playdate and DD2 was napping and I seemed like I’d rather read… UGH.
I know it was coming from a place of “hey this was cool and how can I get it to happen more often” but it was still such a turnoff. And the true answer - that I wasn’t just suddenly overcome with burning desire but rather it seemed like we “should” have sex if we have the house to ourselves and I knew he’d be pouty if we didn’t - wouldn’t be helpful or what he wanted to hear.
^^I don’t think it’s a ban. Many people have open marriages. Point is if you’re married you can’t go have sex behind your spouse’s back. That goes for many committed relationships, not just marriage. If you’re having trouble you can talk about it and you can leave if you don’t like their answer. But you can’t be a sneak.
Ugh, declare open marriage guy is back. Maybe he never left. Not have sex with your spouse is open. Your partner knows you are not having sex with them. Declaring the marriage open could work if you told your partner you now declare the marriage open. Declaring your marriage open and having sex with another without your partner’s knowledge is lying. Not the same and not ok.
Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.
It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.
I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.
So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.
I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.
Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?
I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.
The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”
Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…
Maybe.
I haven’t. I take care of the kids all the time. I do chores. Honestly, stop reciting the same tired tropes about why women lose interest in sex. We all know the same 5 or so reasons.
I don’t fall into that category. I have all my hair, work out, am considered attractive and have had tons of girlfriends prior to marriage.
I agree it’s just demoralizing to be with a low libido spouse with a take it or leave it, apathetic attitude toward our sex life. It’s really sad to me. To her it’s just me being too horny. I don’t agree. Why be in a marriage? Why have my libido locked ina cage? It’s unfair.
What is it with the hair, men? You are the only ones who care. Some of men recede, some go bald, some just thin, and a few have all of their hair. It just happens and you can't help it. It doesn't matter. To most people, anyway. No decent person is going to judge you because you lost the genetic lottery and have no hair. Although I will judge you if what hair you have left isn't clean or combed or trimmed, though.
Also, what does having tons of girlfriends before you were married signify?! Nothing. As if success with women in your 20s means you are the whole package in your 50s. It doesn't. You need a whole lot MORE to be a catch in your 50s than you did in your 20s.
Working out I'll give you. I love a man who takes care of himself, works out, does yoga, stays fit. Thanks for your continued efforts in that sphere. And of course I love that you are caring for kids and doing errands and taking care of the house. You are a partner to your spouse.
Also, PSA to men everywhere. Take care of your feet. Do you have weird, thick, cracked, ugly toenails? Are your feet a mess? Do you prefer to keep your shoes and socks on so nobody can see your feet? Go to the f&cking podiatrist. You don't need to have "beautiful" feet, but non-fungus, cared for feet is important for your health and your partner's health. You can spread that fungus to your partner, and she's (or he's) not going to be pleased.
There you go, guys. Internet expert says pedicures are the key to fixing sexless marriages.
Yes, indeed, that is exactly what I said. Thank you for noticing and reading carefully.
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, declare open marriage guy is back. Maybe he never left. Not have sex with your spouse is open. Your partner knows you are not having sex with them. Declaring the marriage open could work if you told your partner you now declare the marriage open. Declaring your marriage open and having sex with another without your partner’s knowledge is lying. Not the same and not ok.
Sounds like we are in full agreement. Cheating is never OK, so the only solution to a sexless marriage is to declare the marriage open.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
