Anyone else just stop initiating or asking for sex from their partner?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Married twenty-five years. No sex the last nine. Youngest reached 18 I left, left her everything, literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so freeing. Why even bother if the other person doesn’t reciprocate? You’ll save your sanity. A state of indifference seems to be the easiest way. I mean, that’s if you have kids. If not, you should probably leave, but anyone married knows why I’m talking about. You can’t “just leave” a lot of the time until the kids are older. Anyway, kudos to those of you who have a partner with high libido who actually seeks out sex frequently and doesn’t treat it like a chore or a duty. Or rebuffs you when you try.

This sounds like mine situation too. It’s very sad.

[Anonymous]

Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still have sex with my husband a few times a week but my libido in menopause fell off a cliff. I would rather just go to sleep. However, I want to keep my marriage together and I would like to have a relatively happy spouse so I have sex when I don't want to. I want my libido back and I've sought medical treatment and other tricks. etc. Some have helped but it sucks. I understand both sides of this one.

this is me. DW with no libido at all. a response? sure.

what medical treatment were you able to get?

im interested in seeking out a gyno, and figuring out why i have no libido at all. not on birth control. just turned 40.

its prob bc i am a parent of a 5 year old, have a stressful job, no meaningful help at home, just so exhausted. sex is just another thing that needs to be done, like the never ending piles of laundry, drop offs/pick ups, cleaning, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still have sex with my husband a few times a week but my libido in menopause fell off a cliff. I would rather just go to sleep. However, I want to keep my marriage together and I would like to have a relatively happy spouse so I have sex when I don't want to. I want my libido back and I've sought medical treatment and other tricks. etc. Some have helped but it sucks. I understand both sides of this one.

You are a good person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Your wife is telling you in plain language why she won’t have sex with you: she’s busy and tired. Is her busyness and tiredness justified? No way for me to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 5 months into married celibacy; I’m going to wait until it gets to a year then I will attempt to make myself happy. Five separate offers for counseling and I’ve done everything possible to clean up my side of the street but there’s no interest. 7 months to go!

Affair? Or divorce?

Affair usually indicates lying, I’m not going to lie, I’m not looking to hurt anyone by throwing it in their face but surely there is someone out there in the same predicament where life isn’t so horrible it warrants disrupting your children but it isn’t good enough to go on without change.

Hahaha! I had this EXACT same reasoning, and as an attractive woman, I found a man who appealed to me incredibly easily.

It was so terrible. I do NOT recommend. Tell your spouse you can’t go on like this and see if they still refuse counseling. Your integrity matters.

Another woman here. EXACT SAME THING for me as well. Decided to have sex w someone else in a similar situation. It felt awful. And also made me realize that sex is nowhere near the only thing missing from our marriage. Like someone said upthread, its a symptom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 5 months into married celibacy; I’m going to wait until it gets to a year then I will attempt to make myself happy. Five separate offers for counseling and I’ve done everything possible to clean up my side of the street but there’s no interest. 7 months to go!

Affair? Or divorce?

Affair usually indicates lying, I’m not going to lie, I’m not looking to hurt anyone by throwing it in their face but surely there is someone out there in the same predicament where life isn’t so horrible it warrants disrupting your children but it isn’t good enough to go on without change.

I'm in a sexless and childless marriage and I'm not going to have an affair -- but not because I don't want to be lying. I just absolutely do not have the time and energy for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Your wife is telling you in plain language why she won’t have sex with you: she’s busy and tired. Is her busyness and tiredness justified? No way for me to know.

Apparently she's not too busy for yoga class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Your wife is telling you in plain language why she won’t have sex with you: she’s busy and tired. Is her busyness and tiredness justified? No way for me to know.

Pretty sure the point is that these are excuses, not reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish I could get to this point. Every time I say to myself, that’s it, never going to try again. But I eventually cave.

It’s so demoralizing and embarrassing and pathetic to try and initiate only to be told I’m tired, have to go make lunch, have to go shopping in a minute, have to go to yoga, have to feed the f&cking dogs.

I’ve communicated. I’ve said that hey maybe once in a blue moon it would be great if you initiated. Honestly can think of maybe one or two times that’s ever happened in the past 10 years of marriage. But OK, that’s not your thing, can you at least pretend to be into it? Not openly treat it like I just asked you to fold a load of laundry. Nope, apparently that’s asking too much.

So, I end up just asking in some weird transactional kind of way. As romantic as doing your taxes. And 19x in 20 the answer is no. Feels really sh$tty.

I’m all over my husband. But then again, he does the shopping, feeds the kids, and feeds the dog. This gives me time and energy to want him.

Oh STFU. This is such a tired, repetitive response. Do the women saying it over and over again in response to literally any complaint about this issue think they’re making some staggering point?

I do all these things as well; we both do, it’s a marriage. I also do things she doesn’t, and vice versa. That’s not the point, and my wife being stretched too thin isn’t the issue… she’s a SAHM and has support from a full time housekeeper, two kids in school, if that helps you.

The point is: if I’ve got errands to run on a Saturday or whatever, and the rotation of the earth reversed itself such that DW initiated, I’d never be like “sorry no can do, need to be at Home Depot by 11:00.”

Honestly, I think most men let themselves go and expect women to put out. We get our hair, nails and make up done, smell good, go to the gym to lose weight, wear lingerie and you all think a hard penis is good enough. No… there is no reason you aren’t putting in an effort to be attractive. There is a reason she is not reaching for your penis and it’s not because she has to run errands…

Yeah, yeah, all the 50 year old women posting to DCUM look like Elizabeth Hurley.

I read this a lot here. Unfortunately I, like I’m sure most others, spend plenty of time in UC/UMC neighborhoods, at the gym, the local Whole Foods, law firm offices, government offices, balls and charity events, restaurants, school events, kids sports, and neighborhood parties. You all must be hiding indoors 100% of the time.

If anything the 50 yo husband far more often is the more attractive of the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your partner is uninterested in sex, feel free to simply declare the relationship open and go meet your normal healthy sexual needs elsewhere. An uninterested partner gets no vote on this.

This is not how it works