I’m on the autism spectrum. How I wish people could have helped me socially

[Anonymous]

My college-age daughter is like you and I have tried to tell her that she is going on too long about her topics of interest but she just gets so mad at me and then gets sad about how much I hurt her feelings.

I don’t know what to do because over and over again she makes a friend, it’s going well, and then I hear her overwhelming them and they end up ghosting her. It breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

I am far more comfortable being blunt but kind with someone who introduces themselves as a person with autism. If they don't state up front that they're autistic, there is no way that I'll be that honest.

[Anonymous]

NP. Likely with some ASD traits myself, although never diagnosed.

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of my closest friends is an adult with mild autism who I met when I was in my mid-20s and she was in her early 40s. She had done a lot of work to understand her own experiences and behavior, and also was an expert and very funny explainer of the rules NT were following that she could not readily apprehend without having them explained.

It is one of the relationships in which I have learned and grown the most in my life, and I’m sorry people here are coming at you with this “what do you bring to the friendship/you’re asking too much” biz.

(Yes, inclusivity in private life is a benefit both to the person included and to the person doing the including! What a bizarre question that was in an earlier post.)

I'm including this post for context. I want to point out that you have described this friend as "very funny" as well as an "expert ... explainer." These are both things she brought to the relationship and improved your life. Humor brings energy and ease to a social interaction, and you found you learned and grew from her. This isn't a counterexample to the post below -- in fact, it just reiterates the point. I don't think you understand that.

PP, I hope you realize that in your comment, you directly addressed one of the questions that’s come up a lot. You’ve described your friend as “very funny” and the relationship as one that has helped you grow. I think most here are trying to be both kind and direct in responding to the OP — by suggesting ways that she can get her needs met AND by encouraging her to be consciously aware of why other people might want to go out of their way to make an effort to do this with her.

IMO, pointing out these things — that she may or may not already be aware of — is a direct response to her request for help and feedback.

Agreed. PP, you are very firmly stepping in the way of what OP is trying to do here. This is the feedback she has asked for, and you are trying to deflect, mute, or hide it.

People with autism (and again, I consider myself in this group) have a lot on their plates, and they are dealt a hand of cards that were not asked for at birth. And still -- absolutely still -- nobody owes it to be friends with them, or owes it to them to be a teacher or interpreter. It's nice when it happens, and it should happen (and often does) in the context where there is clearly an exchange between equals. Nobody is there just to be taken pity on.

People with autism can be funny, kind, very good at their jobs, supportive friends, all of that -- sometimes, in the right context, and when they have a sense of self-worth that allows you to withstand some negative feedback and sit with the insight that comes from it. So, as was said, when you bring something to the table, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you mean well op but you say you drone on about stuff that people have no interest in. So if they changed the subject you’d just drone on about something else. These are not your people. You need to find people who love talking and listening about what you love to talk about. If you can’t pick up on social cues, it is what it is. It won’t change and make you more likable to people who are partiers and NT.

I’m OP. So I’m ND but how I differ from people with classic ASD, or at least being a milder version of it, is that some habits I’ve been able to grow out of. I look back at some of the things I subjected my friends to when I was in middle school and high school and cringe. But let me tell you what it’s like to get caught up in one of my obsessions. It’s like I lose myself in a topic when I get engaged in it. It’s like having a romantic affair with a given subject. My heart races and I blush and I feel like I can’t get enough. And I lose sight of how other people are reacting. When my family used to tell me, eventually I would listen and understand how it annoys people, but I’d be in denial or at least unaware of it when I was in the real world. And to this day, while I’m sure I do it a lot less than I used to, I probably still do it without realizing it, and that’s what I wish people could make me more aware of.

As the other person in this conversation, there’s just no polite way to tell another person that they are boring, which is what you are asking. It’s just not going to happen. It’s probably best not to talk about your passions. Can you do small talk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you mean well op but you say you drone on about stuff that people have no interest in. So if they changed the subject you’d just drone on about something else. These are not your people. You need to find people who love talking and listening about what you love to talk about. If you can’t pick up on social cues, it is what it is. It won’t change and make you more likable to people who are partiers and NT.

I’m OP. So I’m ND but how I differ from people with classic ASD, or at least being a milder version of it, is that some habits I’ve been able to grow out of. I look back at some of the things I subjected my friends to when I was in middle school and high school and cringe. But let me tell you what it’s like to get caught up in one of my obsessions. It’s like I lose myself in a topic when I get engaged in it. It’s like having a romantic affair with a given subject. My heart races and I blush and I feel like I can’t get enough. And I lose sight of how other people are reacting. When my family used to tell me, eventually I would listen and understand how it annoys people, but I’d be in denial or at least unaware of it when I was in the real world. And to this day, while I’m sure I do it a lot less than I used to, I probably still do it without realizing it, and that’s what I wish people could make me more aware of.

"Please let me know if I'm boring you."