What you wish you knew at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t pester your parents to get rid of their “stuff” so things will be easier for YOU when they die and are forever gone. Could you be more selfish?

I agree. I have relatively minimalist parents but this always seemed like a non-issue to me. Step 1: Parents collect anything that makes them happy. Step 2: When they die, kids come and get whatever is of value to them. Step 3: Anything left goes to 1-800-JUNK.

So if your parents collect junk, you just proceed right to Step 3, no? The difference between a big job and a small job is just a matter of hundreds or single-thousands dollars, right? Or is the issue that you can’t locate the things that were of value to you in the mess? Something else?

[Anonymous]

the shit-show will start soon.

[Anonymous]

That my husband would always be a good dad, but that we should have separated in our 40s and not be miserable later when we didn't have the kids to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t pester your parents to get rid of their “stuff” so things will be easier for YOU when they die and are forever gone. Could you be more selfish?

I agree. I have relatively minimalist parents but this always seemed like a non-issue to me. Step 1: Parents collect anything that makes them happy. Step 2: When they die, kids come and get whatever is of value to them. Step 3: Anything left goes to 1-800-JUNK.

So if your parents collect junk, you just proceed right to Step 3, no? The difference between a big job and a small job is just a matter of hundreds or single-thousands dollars, right? Or is the issue that you can’t locate the things that were of value to you in the mess? Something else?

Oh honey. No, it's way more expensive than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t pester your parents to get rid of their “stuff” so things will be easier for YOU when they die and are forever gone. Could you be more selfish?

I’m an only child, one parent has passed, the toxic-narcissistic one is in their 80s. I live several states away. The responsibility of that semi-hoarded house will fall on me so kindly shut it.

[Anonymous]

I would add that later in life is not the time to build your dream house out in the middle of nowhere. Family with young kids are not going to uproot themselves and you will not see them often.

Dealing with this on both sides. They also have no plans to leave these homes where it will not be possible to age in place. It is terrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t pester your parents to get rid of their “stuff” so things will be easier for YOU when they die and are forever gone. Could you be more selfish?

Leaving family with a huge mess to clean up is very selfish. Homes are living spaces not museums.

[Anonymous]

1. Cultivate relationships. They take time and care. They are worth it. This includes immediate family, extended family, and friends.

2. Be minimalist. Your kids don’t need all those things (that you will give away a few years later). You don’t need a fancy car or a big house.

3. Your marriage comes first, but so do the kids. Find a balance.

4. Find some hobbies not related to raising children. Once the kids leave, it’s time to move on from all those volunteer roles.

5. Travel and go to live theater. Feed your mind.

6. Eat well. Learn to cook really, really well and eat at fone restaurants, just not all the time.

7. Don’t drink a lot. But when you do, have the fine wine.

8. Work hard but not too hard. Work where you are appreciated and do something that showcases your strengths.

9. Exercise must be part of your life. Menopause changes everything.

10. Get the mammogram done as advised by your dr. Go to your dr regularly.

That’s all I’ve got - keep it simple!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Cultivate relationships. They take time and care. They are worth it. This includes immediate family, extended family, and friends.

2. Be minimalist. Your kids don’t need all those things (that you will give away a few years later). You don’t need a fancy car or a big house.

3. Your marriage comes first, but so do the kids. Find a balance.

4. Find some hobbies not related to raising children. Once the kids leave, it’s time to move on from all those volunteer roles.

5. Travel and go to live theater. Feed your mind.

6. Eat well. Learn to cook really, really well and eat at fone restaurants, just not all the time.

7. Don’t drink a lot. But when you do, have the fine wine.

8. Work hard but not too hard. Work where you are appreciated and do something that showcases your strengths.

9. Exercise must be part of your life. Menopause changes everything.

10. Get the mammogram done as advised by your dr. Go to your dr regularly.

That’s all I’ve got - keep it simple!

This is the best advice. - Soon to be 60

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That when parents stop visiting, sometimes they just aren't up to it anymore. They are older. They are weaker. They, themselves, probably think there will be another trip to visit. But then there's not.

They had plenty of money. I wish I had pressured or wish they had realized, that if they had just paid for me to fly to them, more often, I would have. Just me. Doesn't have to be spouse & kids every time.

Thanks for posting this. This is where I am at with my parents over the last year or two.

I think I may have just hit this and it came sooner than expected. We were all even looking forward to another visit "in the fall" and then came the diagnosis. Parkinson's. Now my dad no longer drives and who knows if he'll ever get on a plane again. I think we will probably just be visiting them from now on. Didn't see it coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That when parents stop visiting, sometimes they just aren't up to it anymore. They are older. They are weaker. They, themselves, probably think there will be another trip to visit. But then there's not.

They had plenty of money. I wish I had pressured or wish they had realized, that if they had just paid for me to fly to them, more often, I would have. Just me. Doesn't have to be spouse & kids every time.

Thanks for posting this. This is where I am at with my parents over the last year or two.

I think I may have just hit this and it came sooner than expected. We were all even looking forward to another visit "in the fall" and then came the diagnosis. Parkinson's. Now my dad no longer drives and who knows if he'll ever get on a plane again. I think we will probably just be visiting them from now on. Didn't see it coming.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad. I'm estranged from my parents, they turned quite toxic which was dumb of them because I was the one most likely to take care of them in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I'm estranged from my parents, they turned quite toxic which was dumb of them because I was the one most likely to take care of them in old age.

too bad they could not estrange themselves from you when you were dependent on them

[Anonymous]

Stay on top of the exercise. More loss of mobility and diabetes are on the way. Listen to the physiotherapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take care of your body. Eat healthy, keep your weight in check--once 45 hits it's a lot harder to stay within your weight goal.

If you haven't already, start weight training--so many benefits.

40s have been a very hectic decade for me (and statistically, a majority of people). The sandwich situation was very very tough. With small kids, ailing and dying parents, and new health challenges.

This! I can't believe how much my metabolism and energy levels have changed. Wish I'd prioritized staying in shape in my 40s so that it would just be about maintenance now.

Also, as another poster mentioned - invest as much as you can. Depending on where you are in life, there could be major expenses ahead where you will need to decrease your investing and potentially even your income (helping your kids and/or elderly parents).